Mommy Friends

Posted on | October 5, 2011 | 34 Comments

In middle school, I knew how to make friends.  I didn’t necessarily run with the “in” crowd, but I had a group of friends and I was happy.  In high school, it was more of the same and then college was the same, and even in law school I had no real problem making friends.  But my friendship making badge must have fallen off during the delivery of my son because in all honesty, I don’t have the slightest clue how to make friends now that I’m a mom.

Let’s face it, having other mom friends is not just important, it’s freaking necessary… especially if you’re a single mom.  Who else do you call at 7:30 in the morning on your way to work when you need a rational voice on the other end of the phone… one who is not screaming over and over “NO! Watch the BIRD MOVIE! YOU STOP MOMMY!”   Who else understands that you don’t go to bed at 9pm, you STAY UP til 9pm.  Without friends who are going through the same things as you, you start to feel like you’re standing on the only steady piece of ground in the entire fire swamp and your child has morphed into a rodent of unusual size.

Lately, I’ve been realizing a severe shortage of “mommy friends” in my life.  Part of that has to do with the fact that many of my local friends are not interested in procreating and part of that has to do with my own “irrational” insecurities as they apply to walking up to interesting looking women and saying “Hey, can I have your number?”  How on earth do you even MAKE friends as a mother? 

I feel like I’m putting on my hooker shoes and parading the sidewalk these days.  I see a mom out with her kids and immediately go into “Show Mode; ” you know what I mean, right? I find myself talking a little bit louder and saying things like “Oh! J, how WONDERFUL! You’ve just done MARVELOUSLY today!”  and “No, no, my precious flower, we can’t put that in our mouths, now can we? You silly little munchkin who I love dearly and no, I’m not going to yell because nice, friendly mommies don’t yell.”

I’m so busy putting out “I’m an awesome Mommy and you totally want to be my friend” vibes that I don’t even know what I’m doing any more.  My across the street neighbor had her second baby last week and she seems nice.  So the crazy semi-stalker in need of mommy friends part of me went out and bought food and took it to her.  Desperate? Maybe.  Helpful? Sure, why not.  But the underlying theme of it all is quite simple…  Please be my friend.

I may as well make myself a T-shirt that says “Desperate and Lonely” or maybe “Have Wine, will babysit.”  I want a few women in my phone that I can call and say “Bring over the kids and let’s order pizza.”  I want some women who will call me and say “I have the babysitter, let’s go see a movie.” I want to spend time with people who are not three feet tall… is that so much to ask?

There are no Saturday play groups in my town.  There are no Saturday library trips because the libraries are CLOSED on Saturdays.  There are no stroller strides on Saturdays.  And part of me wants to start those things.  Part of me wants to roll up my sleeves and say “Okay, I’m going to take the helm and figure out a way to connect all these working moms who hopefully feel a bit like I do!” But the rest of me still finds herself sitting on the sofa, wondering if anyone would even show up.

Making Mommy friends is hard.

Especially when you’ve lost your Friendship badge.

Comments

34 Responses to “Mommy Friends”

  1. Nikki Hall
    October 5th, 2011 @ 9:45 am

    If I lived in Macon I would totally be your Mommy Friend!!! You are a wonderful person and have helped me so much b/c I have been going through almost the same exact marital situation and even though I have a few select Mommy Friends, none of them understand what I am going through. Reading your blog everyday helps me know that I am stronger and I can get through these horrible times. So thanks for being such an inspiration!!!

  2. Mama T
    October 5th, 2011 @ 9:46 am

    OMGosh! This sounds like the soundtrack right outta my head. It* is* hard making mommy friends – especially when you work full time too. .. I can totally relate.

  3. Marta Murray
    October 5th, 2011 @ 10:01 am

    I know what you mean – when we moved with my husband Lilia was two weeks old – I did not know a single person so if there would be a person tell me in a grocery store that I have a cute child I would be like “Really? Yu want to talk about it?” Meetup.com was the way to start for me!!!! I hope you will find some mommies soon I am really cheering for you

  4. Carm O
    October 5th, 2011 @ 10:04 am

    Sounds like you may have to get go about meeting Mom’s “backwards” since you work FT? Check out meetup.com in your area and see if you can maybe do a Mom’s night out…meeting the Mom’s first and having toddler time at a future date. I am home with my son and STILL find it difficult to meet people and have used meetup to find things to do/people to meet. Good luck….love your blog.

  5. Maria
    October 5th, 2011 @ 10:18 am

    I’m in the same boat! I yearn for that company but I got nothing. Plus, we’ll be moving soon and I’d rather invest in friendships when I’m in a more permanent place. Sounds weird? Maybe I’ll move to Macon and we can stalk Mommies together. Not weird at all. I don’t like living in these closed-door societies where people don’t go out of their way to be friendly or help someone out. Then again, I guess I’m guilty of it too 🙁
    Hope your neighbor enjoyed the food. Good luck!

  6. Ashley Mellott
    October 5th, 2011 @ 10:26 am

    Making mom-friends is SO hard. So, so hard. Seriously? It’s like first-date hard. I mean, when I strike up conversation with random mommies out and about? I swear I break into a cold sweat and get clammy hands. WHAT THE HELL!? I’m a former Stroller Strides drop out- as in, I did the class for two months and met ONE singular amazing mom-friend. She’s my go-to. We both share an equal love of wine and our children. But? Thats ONLY ONE. I feel like I’m putting all my eggs into one Mom-Friend basket. Sigh. I wish you so much luck, friend. I know how hard it is. If you need a good laugh- here’s a post I wrote about mom-friend failure? 🙂 http://www.iloveyoumorethancarrots.com/2010/11/some-friendly-mom-etition.html

  7. Mary
    October 5th, 2011 @ 11:42 am

    I hear you–meeting other moms is tough, even for stay-at-home moms. Here’s my idea: plan a park playdate. Put a flyer at J’s daycare (because you know all those parents need weekend activities too) and at your church or library. I think a park date is perfect because you don’t have to put any time or money into it, other moms don’t have to worry about taking their child to a stranger’s house, and if no one shows, you and J just have a fun time at the park.

    I wouldn’t specifically mention working moms on your flyer because SAHMs’ are always looking for weekend stuff as well. Although I stay at home, some of my closest mom friends work. Even though I don’t know exactly what they go through, I can always be a shoulder to cry on. And I often have more flexibility to help them out in case of an emergency, etc. Good luck–I bet you’ll meet some moms soon.

  8. Heather Griffitts Clark
    October 5th, 2011 @ 11:45 am

    I wish the distance between Macon and Seattle were a whole lot shorter – I have so many resources for you here and it’s not going to help you one little bit and MAN is that frustrating.

    Know that you’re so not alone in trying to make Mommy friends and having it be a bit daunting.

    I’m glad folks have recommended Meetup.com – my other thought was the local chat board for your area on thebump.com – but it looking at the map – Macon is right smack dab in the middle of the dang state and hours away from the boards that are there (Atlanta being the only one for GA).

    And – I think you should start a stroller strides or a meet up group if there isn’t one. I’ll guarantee you that maybe ont a ton of people will show up at first – but give it time and they will. You can’t be the only single mom in town You might be the COOLEST and STRONGEST and HIPPEST and PRETTIEST single mom in town, but you’re not the only one….I’m sure they’re wishing they had more friends in their phone too, they just need someone to link them up.

  9. Leah Danielson
    October 5th, 2011 @ 1:30 pm

    I don’t think it matters if you have a spouse/boyfriend/partner or not, you still always crave that “friend” time. I just started reading your blog and love it. You are a great writer and your posts are very useful and I think many of us can relate. Thank you for that.

  10. MaconMom
    October 5th, 2011 @ 1:43 pm

    Yes, I would attend! I long for Saturday activities with my little guy. You’re right, Macon just doesn’t have a lot for us.

    In January, there will be a Music Discovery class on Saturdays at the Lutheran Redeemer Church (Pierce and Ingleside). We are doing it! I need something.

    As an older mom (40 soon to be 41..yikes) of an almost 19 month old, most of the people I know have older children and don’t need to supervise their playing like I do. Monkey will be at the top of the ladder as soon as I turn my head.

    Seriously, Stroller Strides… I’m in! I know another working mom who would be there as well.

    Wishing you all the best!

  11. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2011 @ 2:02 pm

    Okay let’s do it! Not this Saturday but next Saturday? Maybe meet down at The Riverwalk? How would that work for you? Or, would you prefer to do Water Works Park so they can play on the playground?

  12. MaconMom
    October 5th, 2011 @ 2:30 pm

    Next Saturday works!
    Water Works is a great idea. There is a trail for strolling/walking, if the little ones want an adventure.

  13. Kella
    October 5th, 2011 @ 1:43 pm

    It’s like you read my mind. I just wrote about this same topic yesterday. It’s lonely being a working mommma with no working momma friends.

  14. Bjhamill
    October 5th, 2011 @ 2:26 pm

    Yes yes yes, it’s hard! It can feel really isolating, I know. Here’s what I did when I decided I just needed some mommy friends and wasn’t too proud to beg: throw a party. J goes to daycare right? He’s got friends there, so that’s a place to start. And it’s fall, so throw a halloween party. It doesn’t have to cost much. You can buy a poster with some random background on it and buy pumpkin stickers and kids can play “stick the pumpkin in the patch” blindfolded, they can bob for (smallish) apples, they can paint small pumpkins with washable paint on newspaper ( you can even say,” hey bring a small pumpkin and we’ll have a pumpkin painting contest!” of course, everyone wins). And the rest of the time they can run around outside like crazy people b/c that’s what kids like to do anyway. In costume! There’s even some useful self-selection b/c the mommies that are likely to come are the ones who want to be friends! And it’s OK to say, we’ve been a bit lonely since we moved back here and I could really use some mommy friends. Believe me, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE!!! They have too. No one will look at you like you have 3 heads ( unless that’s actually part of your costume). Do it. Throw a party. You will make at least one friend. And that is a huge first step.

  15. Bjhamill
    October 5th, 2011 @ 2:39 pm

    Sorry, forgot about the food. Potluck! Say something like, “bring your favorite fall treat to share”. Here’s the thing, I hated the idea of hosting potlucks, I thought if I’m inviting you, I feed you-basic rule of hospitality. But you know what? You can EITHER throw a fun party for the kids and everyone chips in a little something, or no one gets a party. This was my little epiphany and now I embrace it. And no doubt my upper-crust grandmother is spinning in her grave, but there it is. Is someone going to think it’s tacky and not come. Yep. Are they friend material for you? Probably not.

  16. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2011 @ 2:51 pm

    I love this idea. His school is doing a Halloween party but maybe I can do a fun Christmas party at the beginning of December!! Thanks!

  17. Bjhamill
    October 5th, 2011 @ 4:09 pm

    cookie party! Instant theme, everyone bring 2 dozen of their favorite christmas (kwanzaa, hanukkah, solstice, etc etc) cookie to share. And the kids can cut “snowflakes” from construction paper. Serious sugar highs!! The point, throw a party and the fun mommies will come.

  18. courtney murphy
    October 5th, 2011 @ 2:49 pm

    Anyone would be lucky have to you as a mommy friend. And you know, ask for that number. Most moms I know are ALWAYS looking for another mom to relate to. Go for it!

  19. Roxanne Piskel
    October 5th, 2011 @ 2:54 pm

    My friends are all just now having babies. I’d like a few mommy friends who have children around my kid’s age. People who are where I am, or have been there recently. You know? People to relate to. I get some of that via the internet, but internet friends don’t come over for pizza and a beer while we let the kids run amok.

  20. Amy Bradshaw
    October 5th, 2011 @ 4:41 pm

    You should check out an online forum call The Mommies Network (http://www.themommiesnetwork.org/index.shtml). They have area sites all over the country and there might be one in your area. I’ve met some amazing friends through my area mommies network and they have a subgroup called “Moms on the Clock” so for us working moms they plan playdates and activities on evenings and weekends. Check it out, it’s a great resource too.

  21. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2011 @ 4:55 pm

    Oh fun!! Sadly there isn’t one near me. 🙁 But maybe I can start one…

  22. Dre
    October 5th, 2011 @ 4:48 pm

    Oh, how I wish we were close (or even in the same state)! I would be that girl. I have a TON of college/law school friends that I keep in touch with, but they are all spread out and not in town. It is too hard to coordinate schedules to meet up. Even with a husband, I am LONELY! Great ideas below… once you meet them, they will LOVE you! Oh, and I love the Princess Bride reference… can I come over and watch it with you??

  23. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2011 @ 4:59 pm

    Yes please! Bring cookies and I’ll have doritos and wine. (What?! They TOTALLY Go together!)

  24. Kristinayellow
    October 5th, 2011 @ 7:53 pm

    Can I come too? I’ll bring another kid to entertain J and lots of baked goods!!!! (Wow, I sound desperate)

  25. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2011 @ 7:57 pm

    You can DEFINITELY come!!! (Especially if you bring baked goods… ;))

  26. Kristinayellow
    October 5th, 2011 @ 7:50 pm

    I think I’ve lost my “friend’ badge too. I was like–fine through college. Then I graduated and moved and now I have a child and well, it’s hard to find new friends. Less (much less) free time and less energy….sigh. Still-I got lucky and found an online group of local moms (well, some have since moved so now it’s just an online group of people from all over who meet when they can) and it’s really good. I can check our Facebook (private which is key) group and catch up when I can–we plan mom nights, playdates, helping new moms/sick moms/exasperated moms, and just chat. It’s so much less stressful for me than trying to approach people. I totally agree you feel like you have to be your best self and sell it! I wish you lived closer but please know, if you are interested, I’d be happy to add you to our Facebook mommy group. Our mantra is “We support and love all mommies, no judging or belittling or disrespecting”.
    I wonder if there are any good groups out there that do something like “speed dating” for moms? 🙂

  27. Chunky Mama
    October 5th, 2011 @ 10:18 pm

    Find your local MOMS Club International chapter and JOIN IT. Even if you can’t make weekday playgroups, the chapters usually have message boards for all the club members. (It costs $20-30/yr to be a member.) Then, you just go on the message board, tell everyone you are new the area, and ask if anyone would like to meet you for an outing on the weekend. (Maybe a local pumpkin/harvest festival or corn maze?) I’ve done this, and I’ve had awesomely great experiences with the organization over the years. I cannot recommend it enough.

    My old chapter usually has some event in the evening around Halloween. Maybe the chapter near you does as well!

  28. Katherine (Ry's Mom)
    October 7th, 2011 @ 11:47 am

    I feel the same way! I feel like there are NO options for weekends and that is the only time I actually have the time to go “make friends”. None of my current friends a) have kids or b) live in town…and it sucks. I so feel you on this one.

  29. Amber
    October 8th, 2011 @ 10:37 pm

    I live in Macon (ironically, my cousin who lives in Texas showed me your blog). I work full time also and agree that there are not many groups that seem to be open to working moms. I looked into the local MOMS group, but it just didn’t seem like there would be anything I could attend. I’ve made friends with some great ladies that live in the Warner Robins area, but I’d love to meet some moms who aren’t 30 minutes away.

    If you guys meet up I’d be interested in joining you. I have a son that just turned 2 in September.

  30. MaconMom
    October 10th, 2011 @ 9:19 am

    Great! Saturday at Amerson Water Works Park! My son is 19 months today and loves being with the big kids.

  31. MaconMom
    October 10th, 2011 @ 9:19 am

    Don’t have a time yet….

  32. Anonymous
    October 10th, 2011 @ 9:21 am

    9:30! Be there or be… not there. 🙂

  33. Amber
    October 10th, 2011 @ 12:12 pm

    Ok. 9:30 Saturday. We’ll be there. 🙂

  34. MaconMom
    October 11th, 2011 @ 8:27 am

    See you guys at 9:30!
    Thanks!

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
  • Twitter

  • Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

  •  


  • Grab my button for your blog!