A Long Week

Posted on | October 12, 2011 | 15 Comments

It’s been raining in Georgia all week.   We need the rain, so I can’t “officially” complain, but getting out of bed every morning would have been hard enough this week without the dark gray sky bleeding its hurt alongside my tears.

I didn’t realize this week was going to be so hard.

Every morning, I open my eyes earlier and earlier.  Every morning I stare at the rippled ceiling of the house we bought together and wonder what went wrong.  Every morning I wish I could crawl back into the cavern of covers on my bed and spend the day sobbing into my pillow.

I am not handling things as well as I would like.

When do you reach the point that you’re no longer doing things for him?  When will I wake up and want to get out of bed for myself, and not to show him I can?  When will I feel whole and complete and, dare I even ask, happy?  When will I want those things, not as a slap in his face, but as a spring in my own step?

I’m tired.  I’m lonely.  I wish there were voices in my house other than myself and my son.  I miss the bustle of friendship and camaraderie that came with being married.  I miss the comfortable settle of evenings and the Mr and Mrs on cards and invitations.  I feel like some huge part of me died but I’m still forced to pull it alongside of me, dragging around the dead weight of our love like a rusted lunch pail or over-sized purse.  When can I put that weight down? When is it okay to just put it all down?

I didn’t know seeing him Saturday would be so hard.  I didn’t know hearing that he was sleeping with other women would be so hard.  I just didn’t know it was going to hurt so much to remember that four years ago I was surrounded by my best girl friends in the world, having breakfast and laughing.  I didn’t know that remembering all of us piled together on sofas for pictures would one day make me cry onto the empty space on my left ring finger.  

I just didn’t know this week was going to be so hard.

Comments

15 Responses to “A Long Week”

  1. Jana Anthoine
    October 12th, 2011 @ 9:01 am

    ((hugs)) I’m so sorry it’s been a crap week. I hope you get through tomorrow and the weekend brings sun, warmth and millions and billions of smiles for you and J.

  2. Joanna @ Growing up in Oz
    October 12th, 2011 @ 9:15 am

    I’m so sorry. I don’t think there is any timeline when things will feel normal again. Don’t you just wish there was a magic time and then suddenly it would be okay? I wish I could say something to make you feel better but like I’ve said from the beginning… you’ve got girlfriends all over the country that love you & we’re always there for a drink…. even if it is over the computer!

  3. Anonymous
    October 12th, 2011 @ 10:06 am

    I wish I were going to be in town this weekend, because I would come take you for a drink…but we’ll do it soon! I think making new memories is definitely helpful, but it is so hard to forget the old. And honestly? Sometimes you just need to scream how much life sucks at that moment! A good scream into a pillow is always nice…with some wine and a good movie 🙂 I realize that my words aren’t really an answer, but I know how strong you are and I know you’re gonna get stronger and stronger everyday!

  4. Maria
    October 12th, 2011 @ 10:33 am

    Your words are so moving! Maybe you should take a day off and dedicate it to yourself: wine, movies, shopping. Something just for you.

  5. Taming Insanity
    October 12th, 2011 @ 11:17 am

    Each milestone will be hard. It’s part of that damned healing process. Why does healing hurt so much?

    Big hug, dear one.

  6. Heather Griffitts Clark
    October 12th, 2011 @ 11:35 am

    Oh LM – my heart aches for you. It just aches. Hang in there.

  7. MaconMom
    October 12th, 2011 @ 11:43 am

    Ugh it hurts! I think it’s the old one step forward and two steps back. One day you might notice that he wasn’t the very first thought in your head when you woke up, before you went to bed, or the main thought that consumed your day. You’ll notice slowly that it lessens (even if it’s only for an hour – five or twn minutes here and there).

    You are grieving. It is a huge loss – the loss of your best friend, husband, (a lot more) and your dreams for the future. It’s easy for me to say it will get better, but you’re going through it. I do promise that this time next year, you will be in a much different place!! 🙂

    It’s okay for you to put all that weight down and give yourself a break. Seriously, maybe just say one day is your free day to not think about it all knowing it will be there tomorrow if you wish to go back to it. Okay, a day may be asking a lot… baby steps up the mountain! 🙂

    Just blare Sara Evans, “Stronger” and scream it out loud!

    The sun will come out soon too!
    Thinking of you!

  8. Michelle Davis
    October 12th, 2011 @ 12:22 pm

    while i’m just fresh into my breakup and impending divorce, i know all of these feelings too well. you keep getting up for you, you keep moving on, finding happiness for you. your son will benefit but you have to do it for you.

    i’m sorry this week is hard. that the day will be something you think about for awhile (i’m sure). remember YOU though and take care of yourself.

  9. Kpiccini
    October 12th, 2011 @ 2:43 pm

    Thinking of you this week…sending lots of hugs. You said it all with such humility and beautiful words…I’m so sorry it hurts so much today.

  10. Chunky Mama
    October 12th, 2011 @ 2:51 pm

    So sorry it’s been tough. Thinking about you! *hugs*

  11. Nellie
    October 12th, 2011 @ 3:06 pm

    While reading this post, ” A little bit stronger” came on the radio. It’s a country song, and I don’t know if country is your thing, but it sounded like a song that might be good for you to hear. Perhaps something to help lift you up when the blues are making you feel low?

  12. Nellie
    October 12th, 2011 @ 3:07 pm

    And you already mentioned it, now I feel silly.

  13. elizabeth
    October 12th, 2011 @ 3:32 pm

    You and I have such similar personalities! Both perfectionists, ambitious, and both wounded deeply. Sometimes i think my perfectionist nature makes the hurt more painful… for the first time I’m facing something I can’t fix on my own, an obstacle I can’t surmount and “make right” no matter how hard I try. But thoughts of doing so will still haunt us. I feel like I’ve “failed” at the one thing that meant the world to me.

    Part of a poem by Kahlil Gibran has stuck with me:

    “For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
    So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”

    You’re beautiful, mermaid 🙂 And no one can take that, or your beautiful way with words, from you.

  14. Debbie
    October 12th, 2011 @ 5:06 pm

    (((Hugs))) …Time helps but it doesn’t heal. Love heals. Love yourself for being the brilliant, kind, beautiful, loving person that you are. Love yourself for being a fantastic Mom. Love yourself for getting up in the morning and pulling it all together well enough to get out the door to work. And soon, in time, you will love another again. And another will love you. Because you are YOU and there is no one else like you. xoxo deb

    p.s. There will always be an ache for ‘what was’ for what could have been. But the ache will become duller as time goes on. xoxo

  15. Amanda
    October 13th, 2011 @ 11:02 am

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. My mom and dad split when I was really little (under a year old) and I have to say that I can’t imagine what you are going through but I can tell you this. My mom was and is amazing in every way and even more so knowing she did it all on her own.

    I am certain she felt lonely like you do, sad for what she lost and hopeless more often then not. Just don’t forget that you are a strong woman and you have a beautiful little boy. Those two things put together will make you a better person and an amazing mom I promise.

    Hang in there 😉

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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