Posted on | October 17, 2011 | 15 Comments
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the concept of putting one foot in front of the other. I know it’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I know that I’m supposed to be the grown-up, supposed to get dressed and go to work every day, supposed to keep everything running smoothly.
But it’s hard to do all of that sometimes.
Lately, I’ve been waking up in the mornings wondering why on earth I went to law school. I’ve been wondering if I’m ever going to be a decent lawyer. I’ve been wondering if I’m ever going to have enough money to pay all my bills and still afford a pumpkin for Halloween. I’ve been wondering if I’m doing anything right, anything appropriately, and anything at all worth being proud of.
Sometime last night, I lost my voice. J graciously shared his germs from last week and I’m a sniffling, coughing mess of a mommy today with very little voice to speak with. And on my drive to work this morning I realized something infinitely important…
With the exception of today, I have a voice.
I live in a country that is flawed, but that allows me the opportunity to vote, work, and for the most part, live my life the way I want to live my life. No one forced me to get married. No one forced me to have children. No one forced me to go to school, educate myself, and get a job. Do you know how many women in this world WISH they had the opportunities I have? Do you know how many women in this world are wondering if they have enough money to feed their children and never even think twice about a stupid Halloween pumpkin.
It’s hard to remember all the good things when I’m staring down at the stack of things on my desk and searching desperately for the motivation to start somewhere… anywhere… It’s hard to remember that not so very far from me at this very moment, a mother is waking up on the streets of downtown Macon, staring down at the hungry eyes of her son or daughter and wondering how in the hell they ended up there.
I hate not being able to spend time with my son all day every day… but I am so very fortunate that I don’t have to. I hate getting up and going to work and leaving him in the care of others… but I am so lucky to have my job. I hate being a lawyer sometimes, but oh my God, I was able to go to law school, graduate law school, and pass the bar… and there are women fighting just to go to elementary school.
It’s really easy for me to wallow in the self-obsessed world in my head. It’s easy for me to swim around in the mud of my mind until I’m figuratively stuck in the rut of thinking that everything is just blegh. But the truth of the matter is, I get up every day in a house that I pay for and put on clothes that I bought and picked out myself. I take my son to a daycare where they love and cherish him and I drive the car that I bought and picked out myself to the job that I earned from my own sweat and tears. I sit in an office that is cool in the summer and warm in the winter, and I bring home the effing bacon.
So what if I can’t afford a stupid Jack ‘o Lantern this year. So freaking what. We’ll draw one on a piece of paper and color it together and you know what? J will love it just as much. There are people with real problems in this world… and when I think about their faces and their struggles? Well, I don’t really have the right to complain, do I?
So yeah… good morning, my little voyeurs… let’s count our many, many blessings today, shall we? Even if it is Monday.