Never Underestimate the Power of a Promise

Posted on | November 29, 2011 | 8 Comments

I had a rough weekend and got some pretty heart breaking news on Sunday.

I thought long and hard about writing it all out here but ultimately, I decided to keep it private, to keep it close to me and turn it over and over like a coin, examining it from every side and wondering if the spinning between my fingers would somehow leave it shiny and new.   Ultimately, I decided that though I strive for honesty here, there are some things that are too painful to even write about.  There are some things that when you hear them or think about them, they shatter you into a million pieces, even when you’ve already been shattered enough times that there should be no pieces left.  There are some things that are so wrong that even writing them out can’t make them right again.

This weekend, my Ex did something unforgivable.  He made a decision that, for lack of a better way to put it, drove the final nail into the coffin of my love for him.

And instead of feeling better, I felt worse.  Because as much as it freed me from any remaining feelings for him, it also shackled me into a new prison.  It shackled me to the knowledge that this is the person who my son looks to as a father.  It shackled me to the fear that this person who is supposed to help me shape and mold the heart and mind of my son will, instead, scar and wound him with words and actions.

So I spent most of my Monday mulling it all over in my head.  I spent the day in knots, wondering and worrying and in general thinking I was in this alone… for real.

At the end of the day, I drug my tired body out of the office and down the back stairs.  I trudged my way down the darkened hallway and out into the gray evening, overcast and windy. I was thinking about the evening ahead of me, and the days after that and on and on ad nauseum.  I thought about the gray sky above me and believed, for just a moment, that my life was going to be a series of grayer and grayer days, as I grew grayer and grayer with age.

But as I tried to wedge myself deeper and deeper into the mud beneath my feet, I took a quick moment to look up.

And isn’t it something? Isn’t it amazing that when we take a moment to do what we’re supposed to do, we find the hope we never knew we lost?  I left work feeling like I was all alone, feeling like I would be alone forever.  I felt lost and scared and worried that I would fail in raising my boy and teaching him to be a man.

And then I looked up and saw this:

And in that moment,  I remembered a promise made a long, long time ago…. and I knew I was most definitely not alone.

Comments

8 Responses to “Never Underestimate the Power of a Promise”

  1. Anonymous
    November 29th, 2011 @ 8:30 pm

    Here if you need me! Hugs and rainbows 🙂

  2. Anonymous
    November 29th, 2011 @ 8:42 pm

    I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I don’t often comment, and I have no idea what you must be feeling, aside from what you share here so beautifully. But I pray that you can continue to find hope and strength through it all, and that your son grows to be the kind, sweet, funny man that he shows all the potential to be.

  3. Anonymous
    November 29th, 2011 @ 9:31 pm

    Wasn’t it beautiful? I was busy running from one place to the next, all the while questioning some big decisions I have made, wondering if I could handle it all. And I suddenly looked up and saw the most amazing, bright colors stretched all across the sky – I saw hope and comfort and confirmation that I am doing the right thing. It’s like God was talking directly to me, to each of us.

  4. Heather Griffitts Clark
    November 30th, 2011 @ 3:53 am

    I was so angry for you on Sunday. SO angry! And I want you to have faith in this rainbow and in knowing that your son will not be scarred. He may experience hurt – and that’s unfathomable as a mother – but he will not be scarred. He is surrounded by a sea of love – from you, from your family and others. He is loved and he will know it.

  5. Erica Snipes
    November 30th, 2011 @ 7:03 am

    Thinking of you…just a follower on your blog here, and knowing you have close and personal confidantes that know the intimate details of what you don’t post, and hoping that you get all the support you need from them. My thanks is that despite everything, including the current heartbreak, you are an awesome mom, a fine writer, and you still have the courage to look up and choose hope. Blessings.

  6. MaconMom
    November 30th, 2011 @ 10:24 am

    That rainbow gave me so much hope.

    You will not fail; that’s simply impossible (you are far too awesome a mom). He has you as the safe constant in his life. He is so loved and that will help him overcome any not so pleasant experiences.

    My husband lives in the same house and I have those same worries/fears at times.

    Thinking of you and sending rainbows full of hope!

  7. Taming Insanity
    November 30th, 2011 @ 10:51 am

    And he signed it with a rainbow.

    Love you.

  8. Jason Hotchkiss
    December 1st, 2011 @ 12:11 pm

    This is tragic, but just as inspiring.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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