Merry Christmas

Posted on | December 20, 2011 | 18 Comments

What a difference a year can make, yeah?

This time last year, I was packing and planning for a very similar trip to the one I will make this year.  We spent Christmas with my family last year, going to Christmas Eve at the church I grew up in, the church we were married in.  We went to my sisters’ house for a brunch on Christmas and then shortly after returning to my parents’ house, I asked my husband to leave J and I in North Carolina and to go on home.  We made excuses to my parents and told them that he couldn’t risk being stuck in North Carolina with the snow coming.  We smiled and nodded and pretended everything was okay.

But the truth was, everything was not okay.  The truth was, I’d spent Christmas Eve in tears, wondering what I’d done and what I could do to fix things with my husband.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was really the beginning of the end, the beginning of understanding that some things can not last forever, the beginning of what would culminate on a warm April evening in Savannah.

This year, Christmas Eve will be different.

This year, when the pastor who married me calls out to the children of the congregation, I will squeeze my son’s hand and walk with him down the aisle to enjoy a Christmas story in a sanctuary that holds a mix of beautifully painful memories for me.  This year, when we light the candles and sing “Silent Night” I will be battling a two year old who will, I’m sure, want to hold and touch the flame.  This year, when we return home, there will be no laptops, no tears, and no sadness.  There will, instead, be snuggles and kisses and promises of Santa.

For the first time in probably 20 some years, I will leave out cookies and milk for Santa and for the first time ever, I will nibble on those cookies and sip that milk. 

For the first time, I will stuff a stocking by myself and set up toys.  I will sit with my mother and father on the sofa and drink a glass of wine, watching the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree that my parents decorated, and I will think about how very, very, VERY lucky we are to be there… all of us, together.  Because Christmas is not a time to be sad.  It is a time to remember the past, when a very powerful being let himself become a very vulnerable baby, and to celebrate the future he made possible. 

So even though I feel stripped bare this year, I am in good company. 

Even though I feel scared and cold and worried about what lays out beyond my horizon, I know that many, many years ago, a baby boy must have felt the same.  I know that many, many years ago, a young mother cradled her baby the way I used to cradle mine, and wondered so many of the same questions that I wonder on a daily basis.

And I’m sure she questioned.  She had to.  But you know what? She did okay by her kid.

And at the end of the day… at the end of this hard, hard year, it’s enough for me to know that I’m doing okay by my kid, too.

May you enjoy the rest of this week spending time with your families and your loved ones.  May you face Christmas with smiles on your face and love in your heart. 

Thank you all for being a part of this journey I’ve been on… you don’t know how much I lean on your words and your support on the tough days.  This blog, this community of voyeurs, has become an integral part of my day and if I could send you all a Christmas card full of granted wishes, I would do it.  

Merry, Merry Merry Christmas to all of you.

Comments

18 Responses to “Merry Christmas”

  1. Roxanne Piskel
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:07 pm

    Merry Christmas LM and J! <3

  2. Lawmomma77
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:11 pm

    Merry Christmas to you, oh Brilliant one. 🙂

  3. Heather Griffitts Clark
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:13 pm

    You teared me up, LM. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas with your family and J. Soak all of his joy and excitement up – it’s good for the soul. And here’s to a wonderful 2012 for you. You certainly deserve it!!!

  4. Lawmomma77
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:25 pm

    It IS good for the soul! You have a Merry Christmas, friend… hope all your Christmas wishes come true.

  5. Jana Anthoine
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:17 pm

    I love you, K… I hope you have a wonderfully bright and happy Christmas.

  6. Lawmomma77
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:25 pm

    Love to you, too, m’dear! 2012 is the year we sit down face to face for coffee or wine, yeah? 🙂

  7. Jana Anthoine
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:27 pm

    Uh, YES! I’m going to just come down there one weekend when J isn’t there… how bout that?

  8. Anonymous
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:28 pm

    That would be awesome! 🙂 You me and MaconMom can hang out… 🙂

  9. Jana Anthoine
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:33 pm

    Yay!! We’ll make it a date then. And choose a date soon!

  10. beachmum
    December 20th, 2011 @ 4:52 pm

    I think you should leave a glass of red out for Santa. He doesn’t even really do the driving anyway… the reindeer do. Loved your post today. Merry Christmas to you and yours. May your heart be light and your glass be full. xo

  11. Jennifer Donovan DiDonato
    December 20th, 2011 @ 6:16 pm

    Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  12. Lyndsay
    December 20th, 2011 @ 9:47 pm

    Aye – this one has me teary Law Momma! I hope your Christmas is full of smiles and love this year. Enjoy the magic of Christmas through the eyes of your sweet, sweet boy!

  13. Alecia
    December 20th, 2011 @ 10:19 pm

    Right back atcha!! Merry Christmas to you and J.

  14. Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments
    December 21st, 2011 @ 12:21 pm

    I wish that next year at this time you;ll be able to look back at all the wonderful happenings in 2012 and think “what a difference a year can make”.

    Merry Christmas!

    Maija

  15. Anonymous
    December 22nd, 2011 @ 7:53 am

    Merry Christmas, Maija!!! Have a glorious holiday and yes, let’s hope 2012 is AMAZING

  16. Carrie
    December 21st, 2011 @ 9:23 pm

    K, I hope you have a Merry Merry Christmas. I also want you to know that you really helped me during a very hard time this year, a whole lot, more than you know. I love how after all these years, true friends are there when you really need them. I am so thankful for that. You are a beautiful, strong, loving friend and mother. J is such a blessed angel to have such a great mom. Take lots of precious pictures and I have to agree wine instead of milk!

  17. Anonymous
    December 22nd, 2011 @ 7:52 am

    Merry Christmas to you, friend… I am glad we were able to reconnect!!! We must find a time to get together soon.

  18. Alexmommy626
    December 24th, 2011 @ 3:18 pm

    Merry Christmas LawMomma and handsome Jude! May 2012 be filled with an over abundance of blessings and happiness!

    Love,

    Alexmommy626

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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