Feeling Small

Posted on | January 30, 2012 | 6 Comments

There are days when I wake up and I think I can conquer the world.  Some mornings, I wake up with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  I wake up and get dressed and think “Man, my clothes fit awesome this morning!” and “Wow, I look pretty!”   I snuggle up to J on the sofa while we eat our breakfast and think to myself, “what a wonderful world.”

And then… there are days.

I want so desperately to change the world, y’all.  I want to make it safe and bright and cheerful.  I want to stamp out racism and hate and fear and anger.  I want politics to be about doing what’s right and good and not about winning or beating the other guy.  I want a cure for cancer and a cure for depression and a cure for heartache.  I want to do more than just mail cards or respond to emails.  I want to do more than donate money or coats or dole out food at a soup kitchen.

There are days when I wake up and I can barely get out of bed, barely scrape away the hurt and horror at the world around me.  There are days when I just want to stay there, safe and warm under my covers, clutching my son close to my heart and protecting him from all of the truth and reality around us.

See, I carry your pain with me… all of you.  My friends, my family, my co-workers.  I carry you all.  You who I’ve never met, you who email me, who “tweet” me, who text me.  I carry you who hurt on the pages of my newspaper, on the images of my television, on the words of your own blogs.  I tuck you all away in the pockets of my soul and I nurture you with prayer and thought and soft, salty tears.  There are days when you weigh down my steps, when I worry that I’m not doing enough to change what is around me… to cheer what needs cheering.  There are days when I wonder why I can’t do more, why I can’t do anything right or good or helpful.

But even on those days when I feel the smallest, even on those days when I know that every tear I shed is simply falling unnoticed in the pool of sadness that swirls this world… even on those days, I can still find a way to smile.

Because even on those smallest of days, I carry your hearts in the pockets of my soul. 

And I wouldn’t change that for all the carefree days in the world.

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