I’m Not Fighting Alone

Posted on | February 8, 2012 | 11 Comments

One of the hardest things about being an attorney, or really any type of professional, is when you are faced with weeks like this one.  Weeks when what you want to do is stay tucked in bed, letting the world pass you by at a slow, snail’s pace, while you try to remember what the point of it all is anyway.  Weeks when you feel like if you have to put on make up one more day, your face is going to fall off and your hands are going to revolt and honestly, you still look like crap even with the make up on, so what’s the point.

Weeks where you just wonder what the hell is the point.

Normally, on weeks like this, I try to remind myself that J is the point, that I work and get out of bed every morning because of him.  But it’s hard to remember that when your legs are heavy and your head is aching and you feel the weight of the world pressing down on you until you just want to scream or break something… a bone, a heart, a precious picture… just to remember what it’s like to feel something other than, well, nothing.

I struggle with depression.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me or to anyone who has read this blog for any significant period of time. 

I struggle with it.  I fight it off morning after morning.  I pop little blue pills to tell it to clear out and leave room for being happy and joyous and… me.  I go round after round, being pounded into a corner one moment and landing a strong right hook the next.   This is a week when I am losing.  This is a week where I find myself bruised and beaten, using the ropes of this arena just to hold myself steady… just to hold myself together.

It is a hard fight… especially on weeks like this.  Especially when I’m the only person who can answer the questions, calm the fears, cheer the sadness.  Especially when my son needs his mommy to be, well, Mommy… and not to sit quietly by.

Fighting depression is hard. Especially when there are children watching… especially when there is anyone watching.  

But if I’ve discovered anything in my life it is this:   Fighting depression alone is even harder.

Comments

11 Responses to “I’m Not Fighting Alone”

  1. Deana
    February 8th, 2012 @ 8:40 am

    Depression is hard. My kids know whats going on even though I never tell them. Sometimes I find it hard to leave the house. My kids and my husband are my normal. I try so hard for them.

  2. Caitlin MidAtlantic
    February 8th, 2012 @ 8:46 am

    You’re not alone.

  3. Alecia
    February 8th, 2012 @ 10:08 am

    You are not alone. Your loyal readers are hear for you.

  4. Anonymous
    February 8th, 2012 @ 10:11 am

    On Monday, I had to travel about an hour by car for work. On the way home, I was just so tired, exhausted… as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE my daughter, I just didn’t want to deal with being a mom at that moment.

    I had one of those moments where I was driving in the left lane of a 4-lane highway and the car in the center lane was veering a LITTLE into my lane. I kinda of clenched the wheel and was focusing really hard on the road to make sure nobody hit anything, ready to honk if he got any closer. One of those moments that just get your heart-rate up a bit.

    But then I had this thought — if I *had* gotten into an accident, and I was in the hospital for a few days… I’d have a break. And I wouldn’t have to feel guilty, like I was slacking off. I wouldn’t have to feel bad for willfully choosing to get away from my responsibilities for a few days.

    Don’t misunderstand — I’m not suicidal, I value my life, trust me. But it was a real thought, driven by exhaustion and, yes, depression. A thought that people who haven’t been down that road can’t even comprehend it. And as awful as I feel admitting that I had it, I doubt I’m the only one who has thought that way.

    It’s extra hard for you being a single mom, I realize, but it’s important to acknowledge, get help [which you are doing!] and get support from others who understand. You are NOT alone. *hugs*

  5. Heather Griffitts Clark
    February 8th, 2012 @ 10:44 am

    You are SO not alone. You can be in a room of people who love you, but unless they understand what depression feels like you can sure enough feel alone.

    Know that there are so many of us here that no matter our circumstances – married or single, working in or working out of the home, one child, multiple children or none – understand exactly how you’re feeling.

    Exactly.

    And we’re here. Talk to us, we’re here.

  6. MaconMom
    February 8th, 2012 @ 10:54 am

    so you follow the old…fake it till you make it mantra 🙂
    can’t be easy as a single mommy
    I have to say you are succeeding. Pretty awesome…you are !

  7. Kristinayellow
    February 8th, 2012 @ 2:58 pm

    You aren’t alone but that’s the trick of depression. It makes you think that. I take a little pill to help me fight too and lately it’s been less helpful than normal due to the craziness of life. Still. I get up and remind myself to smile (cause it’s hard to be sad when you smile at yourself goofily in the mirror) and think the better times are coming soon. HUGS

  8. L Michaels
    February 8th, 2012 @ 5:52 pm

    My week (month) is mirroring yours. In some ways I am just a little happy to know I’m not wandering around in this position all by myself. And it makes me want to help you in some way – which takes my mind off myself. Interesting.

    There are all sorts of positive things I’m supposed to be thinking … yes, I’m stronger, but I would rather be loved than strong. I envy those women who are not as strong but blissfully happy and deeply loved.

    There are, however, these moments of goodness that I am noticing here and there like a cup of Starbucks, the full moon coming up as the sun sets and the amazing wash of colors on the foothills, an NPR broadcast on the way home to an empty house that makes me snort with laughter in spite of myself, a cat in the shelter who has an entire conversation with me (I go for pet therapy when things are really black), Swedish Fish, and your blog. I guess it’s kind of like swimming in underwater murk only to surface every once in awhile to find fresh air and a quick wind.

    Last night, it was Wimp.com … I watched 3 weeks worth of short videos and was giggling madly … go there!

    Sending good thoughts.

  9. Allie
    February 8th, 2012 @ 10:38 pm

    You are definitely not alone, Law Momma! You give a voice to many of us other mommies fighting the same battle. Sending positivity your way 🙂

  10. Nikki Hall
    February 9th, 2012 @ 12:04 pm

    You are not alone…I pop little white pills to fight off mine and some days are good and some days are bad. But you’re fight about it being harder to fight it alone…which makes me glad i have your blog to read and let me know that one day we will all be okay. hugs from houston tx!

  11. Tracy@Liberating Working Moms
    February 10th, 2012 @ 10:37 am

    I’m just seeing this now…but hope it’s not too late to tell you that you aren’t alone. gchat date anytime momma!

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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