The Brutal Truth: Part One

Posted on | April 11, 2012 | 45 Comments

One year ago today I realized my marriage was 100%, irretrievably, never coming back together broken.

“My heart is broken. My soul is wounded. My faith in other people is shaken to the core. But the human heart is resilient. The immortal soul can heal. Faith can be restored even when it is so dark that the only thing I can be sure of is that my tears are the source of the puddles around me and the cries in the night are no ones but my own. I will get through this. I will smile again. I will be okay.”

Those were my words one year ago today.  One year ago as I sat in the bedroom I grew up in, in my parents’ house, and wondered about what came next.

For a year now, I have struggled through the ending of my marriage, the ending of the friendship I shared with my ex-husband, the ending of the nuclear family surrounding my not quite two year old son.  I have tried to take the high road over the past year, tried to muddle through without throwing mud or pointing fingers.  And it is time now, one year later, to tell the whole story… to tell the truth about the end of my marriage.  Not to point fingers or to place blame, but to share with you what I have learned over the past year, because no matter what causes the ultimate split, the end of a marriage is never 100% the fault of one party or the other.

In our case, the beginning of the end happened so much earlier than I had hoped.  Just before we got married, I told one of my best friends that I was scared we were making a mistake.  I was scared because the man I fell in love with was no longer the man I was marrying.  He had changed.  He was different, more harsh and less forgiving.  When we met, he swept me off my feet.  He was attentive and loving and ever-available.  He would spend hours on the phone with me when we were apart, just talking about nothing. 

But then he lost his job and to save money he moved in with his parents.  He began playing a video game, World of Warcraft, and our phone calls ended.  Everything he did was about the game… he spent the money he was saving for our honeymoon on a brand new computer with better memory so he could play faster… our nightly conversations turned into “I don’t like to talk on the phone.”

Everything changed.

But I believed it would get better.  I believed that somehow I could change him back to the person he was when we first met.  And so we got married, days after I told my friend that I thought he loved me as much as he could love anyone and maybe that was enough. 

That is never enough.  Never believe that you can love someone enough for both of you… it isn’t fair to either one of you in the long run.

Six months after our wedding, almost to the day, was the first time I caught him cheating on me.

Six months.  Barely long enough to wipe away the honeymoon phase for any normal couple.  Barely long enough to call yourselves married. 

But still long enough that I felt like I was the failure.  I didn’t want anyone to know.  I didn’t want my mother or my friends to judge me for marrying him, to judge me for not being able to keep him happy.

Six months and I was already playing the role I swore I’d never play.

To be continued…

Comments

45 Responses to “The Brutal Truth: Part One”

  1. Jana A (@jana0926)
    April 11th, 2012 @ 8:52 am

    I’m so very proud of you for sharing the brutal truth. Love ya, girl.

  2. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:50 am

    Thanks and ditto. 🙂

  3. Mrs Trophywife
    April 11th, 2012 @ 8:57 am

    Oh my God, Karen. I had no idea. I really have no words. I know they will fall flat and not get across how my heart reaches out to you and how I wish you were close enough to hug. You are brave and good. Even though you heart was broken, I am so proud of you for doing what is best for you and that sweet little boy.

  4. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:50 am

    Brave? Maybe. But mostly just operating on auto-pilot got me to where I am today. Love you!

  5. Brandy
    April 11th, 2012 @ 9:00 am

    Oh sweety thank you for your story and that.fucking.blows. No other way to say it (well with my mouth that is). ::hugs::

  6. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:50 am

    Hahahaha… I can only imagine how else you might choose to say it… 😉

  7. Jessyca Carr
    April 11th, 2012 @ 9:04 am

    WOW. My heart is breaking for you this morning. But only for your past, that you had to walk that path. I, too, became a woman I swore I never would – the abused excuse-making shadow of a woman married to an alcoholic. But that life is over now, I have sunshine and happiness. And you are getting there – you are going to shed the skin of what you were and you are going to shine brighter and live happier than ever. Love you… Jess

  8. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:49 am

    Love you, too, friend. I am in a much happier place for sure.

  9. Tatter Scoops
    April 11th, 2012 @ 9:09 am

    The Empress lead me to your blog and my heart aches when I read this. I’m so very sorry but I really wish this brave steps you are taking by sharing your stories will help you heal in a way. It’s been over 2 years since the end of my own marriage and I find so much support and healing from others online. Sending you hugs!

  10. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:49 am

    Glad to have you! Welcome, feel free to keep your shoes on. 🙂

  11. JulieMiner
    April 11th, 2012 @ 9:21 am

    Need to read more right now!!! I love you, Julie

  12. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:48 am

    Oh how rude of me, my dear, to make you wait… 😉

  13. Liz
    April 11th, 2012 @ 9:24 am

    my heart ached so deeply with you while reading this. i think it’s so brave of you to tell your story. sending lots of love xoxo

  14. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:48 am

    Brave? Or stupid… that remains to be seen. 😉

  15. Danielle Burris
    April 11th, 2012 @ 9:35 am

    I am very proud of your courage in writing this! You are an amazingly strong woman who I think many women feel inspired by! I know I do. I always enjoy reading your blog. Thank you!

  16. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:49 am

    Nah, I just play strong on the internet.

  17. Allison
    April 11th, 2012 @ 9:54 am

    You are very brave for sharing this. Huge hugs to you today.

  18. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:48 am

    Thanks! 🙂

  19. Momalegal
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:20 am

    My heart just breaks for you. But you are so strong and truly an inspiration. It’s not always easy, but it will be okay. Thank you for telling your story!

  20. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:48 am

    Thanks… it was a heart break for sure, but definitely one I let myself fall right into. It wasn’t all him.

  21. lawmhcgirl
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:23 am

    You are so brave for sharing that hurt. You are absoluely not a failure. I admire you. I think your pretty amazing….and I only know of you what I read here.

  22. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:47 am

    Thank you so much… I’m not that amazing, though. I’m just stupid enough to share it all with the world. 😉

  23. ann @ mylifeasprose.
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:36 am

    i don’t have any of the right words to say, but i wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us, friend.

  24. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:47 am

    Thanks for reading!

  25. Steph
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:44 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I am where you are a year ago, just beginning the process of ending my marriage and facing life as a single parent to a three year old. Posts like this give me hope that I too can push through and will come out alright.

  26. MaconMom
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:46 am

    Constantly aamzed at your ability to share so much and get it out there. Thank you so much for being so brave and honest – a rare gift!! And, it is truly a gift.
    You rock!

  27. KeAnne
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:49 am

    Thank you for being brave and strong enough to share your story. You are not a failure, and I hope you know that!

  28. Deecee36
    April 11th, 2012 @ 10:51 am

    Thank you. I did the same thing 23 years ago. I knew I was making a mistake by marrying him. But my pride caused me to go through with it. He too was unemployed right after we got engaged and was unemployed at the wedding, and on the honeymoon. But I thought it would all change. That he would change. Do not fault yourself for living with hope. Your son was meant to be born, so the marriage served a purpose. And no matter what happens, your ‘ex’ has lost the best thing that will ever happen to him. End of that chapter. Keep on writing the new chapters. You are amazing. xoxo deb

  29. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 1:27 pm

    It’s a terrible thing, isn’t it? I think deep down we were both too scared to pull the plug after all the arrangements had been made. It was almost a mutual desperation that propelled us into marriage, thinking we had no other options.

  30. Roxanne Piskel
    April 11th, 2012 @ 11:22 am

    Oh, LM. My heart. It’s too often that it’s as if you speak words from my own head. Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. You give me hope in a world that has shattered me.

  31. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 1:10 pm

    I hate that you had to go through so much of this. 🙁

  32. Cristina
    April 11th, 2012 @ 11:43 am

    so glad you are choosing to share. sharing for me was hard – i waited a long time before i did so – but has been one of the most cathartic experiences in my divorce.

  33. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 1:09 pm

    Agreed. It’s been SO cathartic.

  34. Mommakiss
    April 11th, 2012 @ 12:39 pm

    Oh my dear – this can NOT be easy to write about. I hope it’s helping you – and thank you for sharing it with the world.

  35. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 1:08 pm

    It’s so much easier than I thought it would be!

  36. Kristinayellow
    April 11th, 2012 @ 1:05 pm

    Oh. HUGS.

  37. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 1:08 pm

    Back atcha. 🙂

  38. Lola M.
    April 11th, 2012 @ 1:42 pm

    I read your posts when they hit my email. What you are brave enough to write always resonates. When I read today’s post it was like reading about my marriage (w/o the computer games). I should have listened to the pre marriage counselor who said we should NOT be getting married … but didn’t and I paid and paid and paid. In some ways I am still paying for that mistake.
    Like you, I have an amazing son who is the light of my life. Aren’t they just the best thing ever?!

    Thanks and I can’t wait ’til you share more.

  39. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 2:55 pm

    Wouldn’t change one second of my marriage if it meant not having J. Not one second.

  40. rusti
    April 11th, 2012 @ 2:40 pm

    I can’t even imagine… you are so brave, and amazing. keep doing what you’re doing lady! xo

  41. Law Momma
    April 11th, 2012 @ 2:56 pm

    I am neither brave NOR amazing… I’m mostly foolish and impulsive and a hopeless romantic.

  42. kelster
    April 11th, 2012 @ 7:34 pm

    We all have our foolish moments. I’m glad that today you’re standing strong.

  43. Robbie K
    April 12th, 2012 @ 9:55 am

    I don’t really know what to say except it sucks that your marriage was not what you thought it would be.

  44. Melissa221128
    April 14th, 2012 @ 9:02 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. I can’t relate to your divorce situation but I totally get where you’re coming from about not knowing how to be a wife. Within 3 months of being married I got pregnant with our first daughter so I’ve been a Mom almost as long as I’ve been a wife. Its something we as a couple struggle with. Him not understanding that after the kids are in bed I can’t just turn my mind off and become wife. And me not trying hard enough. He is understanding 90% of the time but sometimes I wonder if that 10% would push him into a relationship with someone else. O guess I want to thank you for opening my eyes and making me realize this is a 2 way street.

  45. Jamie Bolander Weitl
    April 15th, 2012 @ 12:18 pm

    My husband was addicted to Everquest before I met him and at the beginning of our relationship. It caused many problems in his life and I eventually had to say – “It’s me or the game.” I definitely understand how addictive and invasive the games can be and how they can change people. I am so sorry that it changed your ex so dramatically. I’ll be interested to hear the rest of your story as you seem so strong.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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