The Brutal Truth: Part Three

Posted on | April 12, 2012 | 24 Comments

We were having a baby.

What could matter more than that? What could possibly ruin our lives from that point on?

I was swept away by the magic of it all; becoming  a mother, growing a child.  I read all the “your baby today” excerpts on every website.  I knew on any given day just how big my little one was getting and which organs were being created and formed.  I knew everything about my tiny son… I knew nothing about my husband.

I stopped caring about his emails and his phone calls.  I stopped being the gate keeper of his life, too concerned with making myself the perfect nine month home for my child.  I could control that; I could monitor my weight gain and the foods that entered my body.  I could make sure that part of my life was perfect, even when nothing else was.   I knew he wasn’t as excited as I was; hell, when I crawled back into bed on December 26th and shared the news he barely opened his eyes and responded “Well, we were trying to be, right?”

I wasn’t important, not to him. 

We went through the motions of creating a home for our child… or rather I did.  I went to consignment sales and bought used cribs and gliders that we could afford.  I registered online by myself for the items I wanted; I painted the nursery when I was seven months pregnant… much to my Mother in Law’s chagrin.  I didn’t want to depend on my husband for anything; I didn’t want to give him the chance to let me down again.

He was an attentive husband in the weeks leading up to J’s birth.  He did the hospital tours, attended the child birthing classes, and dutifully drove me to the hospital every time I thought the baby was coming… even though it seemed he never would.  When we finally had J, finally brought him home to the world we’d created, the attentiveness stopped again.  I lost myself in the world of my child and he lost himself in the world of his game.  For the first week J was home, he had to reside under bili rubin lights at all times.  My mother, my mother in law, my sister and I took turns sitting up to make sure he was okay… my husband played his video game.

It didn’t take long after J’s arrival for the secrets to start again, the late night “raiding” sessions on World of Warcraft, the text messages from friends I didn’t know, people I’d never heard of.  I was too tired to care about it then, too deeply ensconsed in the anxiety of new motherhood and the love of my son.  I didn’t want to rock the boat, didn’t want to know if there was something wrong.  We had to be a family. We had a son.

We had to stay together.

When J was less than six months old, I found emails where my husband was promising to find time to drive north and spend a weekend in a mountain cabin with an old girlfriend.  I didn’t confront him.  I didn’t even ever bring it up, at least not to him.  I sent an email to her, begging her to understand that he was married, begging her to let me have him as the father of my child.  She promised to stop all contact with him.  To my knowledge, she did.

We were a family.  It was my job to make sure we stayed together.

I was convinced we had to be a family for J’s sake.

To be continued…

Comments

24 Responses to “The Brutal Truth: Part Three”

  1. Jana A (@jana0926)
    April 12th, 2012 @ 9:59 am

    There’s a lump in my throat. I’m kinda at a loss for words. But I’m so proud of you for telling the whole story. I think it’s going to bring you much peace.

  2. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:17 am

    It does bring me peace… it’s like with each word I’m letting it all go.

  3. Kacia
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:03 am

    I don’t have anything to say, except that I’m so proud of you.
    I can’t imagine or even pretend to say I understand how difficult it is to write your story. Praying it gives hope to others.

    xoxo

  4. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:17 am

    I hope it just lets people know they aren’t alone.

  5. Robbie K
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:05 am

    Good for you for having the balls to confront her.

  6. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:17 am

    She didn’t know about me… she felt horrible. I just wish I’d brought it up to him.

  7. jessesco
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:24 am

    My dear friend. I’m so sorry. You are amazingly strong and you did what you needed to survive.

  8. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:33 am

    I was a coward… I didn’t give him the chance to explain or fix things. I just pretended like I could forget it ever happened. Maybe if I’d been more up front with him we could have sought counseling and made a genuine effort to fix things.

    It takes two to destroy a marriage… I certainly did my part.

  9. Momalegal
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:36 am

    I have to admit that I see a lot of myself in your story. None of us are alone in these all too common problems in marriage. I hope to one day have the guts to blog about our story, but right now it’s too fresh. We are trying to recover and rebuild our marriage, but it’s still a fledgling hope on wobbly legs.

    You did the best you could with what you had at the moment. You did what you felt was best for J and that’s all a mother can do. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story.

  10. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:40 am

    I wish you all the best of luck. You’re so right… I did the best I could. He did the best he could.

    We just, neither of us, tried to do what was best for each other.

  11. Heather Griffitts Clark
    April 12th, 2012 @ 10:49 am

    My heart just breaks for the you of the past years… And I am so happy for the you that is now. It does take two to break a marriage – and it’s good to recognize and own that.

    It is also good that you decided to do what was right for you and for J – and I think you did give him the opportunity to join you in that – it wasn’t what was right for him. I may not understand that decision – that a father wouldn’t want that – but at the least it allows you to go and create the new nuclear family for J….and most importantly – for yourself.

    We often forget that as parents, one of the most important things we can do for our children is to live a life that’s healthy for ourselves. Healthy bodies, healthy minds, healthy spirit and giving them an example of healthy love. You’re free to do that now – and it’s so very important.

  12. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 11:22 am

    Amen.

    Though it isn’t fair of me to really say how my ex felt about being a father… that would be his story to tell. I can only write how it felt to me… how I believed he felt.

  13. Heather Griffitts Clark
    April 12th, 2012 @ 1:56 pm

    I agree with you – and I don’t really think you’re doing that. That is a leap I’m making on my own – based on having ready your blog since before this all happened and my own personal experiences in parenting and being related to parents, friends with parents, etc.

    It is my *personal* belief that he has not prioritized J. I’m not saying that he had to be married to you to do so. I’ve seen enough that I don’t think he did – even as a divorced dad.

    And that doesn’t make him a bad guy…it just makes me not understand his priorities.

    Hugs to you lady (even though you don’t like them :D). I’ve mentioned before my husband is gone ALOT – so I understand the challenges of being a single parent to some degree…..and I think you do it so well and with so much grace, thoughtfulness and sincerity.

  14. Alecia
    April 12th, 2012 @ 11:26 am

    My heart is just breaking…the emotions are so raw. But there is something else in your writing…like this is cathartic. Healing. That saying it out loud releases some of the pain. Good for you girl. Say the words and let it go…..it’s over. You are still here, strong, supported by us all.

  15. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 1:36 pm

    That’s exactly it. Exactly. By letting myself write it all out, I’m letting it all go. It’s very cathartic.

  16. rusti
    April 12th, 2012 @ 11:28 am

    not sure what to say… you are so brave for sharing, and I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of this… *hugs*

  17. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 1:35 pm

    Thanks… I’m okay with it, honestly. It made me who I am today and I kind of like me. 🙂

  18. Diana
    April 12th, 2012 @ 12:16 pm

    No real words here except I do understand part of this. A lot of what I read feels like what we went through only with alcohol. I am taken back to that time as I sit here and understand some of your pain and frustration. ((hugs))

  19. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 1:35 pm

    I have always been so impressed by your ability to move forward… you rock, lady. 🙂

  20. Kristinayellow
    April 12th, 2012 @ 12:19 pm

    This must be so freeing to write it all out. Not being judgemental or hurtful or blaming–just being honest. You kick ass. But I still wish I could have saved you from going through all of the pain–you didn’t deserve any of it.

  21. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 1:11 pm

    It very much is. 🙂

  22. Lyndsay
    April 12th, 2012 @ 12:55 pm

    “I didn’t want to depend on my husband for anything; I didn’t want to give him the chance to let me down again.”

    Ah yes…. THIS.

  23. Lawmomma77
    April 12th, 2012 @ 1:38 pm

    It’s that self-preservation mode that kicks in… like “I can do this on my own, thank you very much, because you’re totally going to screw it all up.” It’s not necessarily fair to anyone, but it happens.

  24. facie
    April 12th, 2012 @ 6:34 pm

    One thing I have learned while being married is that pretty much no one’s marriage is as good as you, the outsider, thinks it is.

    I hope laying it all out there is helping you, and I admire you for being so brave in being able to share this heartbreaking story.

    Keep swimming. You deserve better.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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