The Brutal Truth: Part Five

Posted on | April 13, 2012 | 31 Comments

Sorry for the delay in an AM installment… this morning I was the happy recipient of a motor vehicle accident that made me late for court.  No injuries except to my pride and my vehicle… But that’s a story for another time.  You’re here for a different tale, today.

It was just a normal Saturday, April 2, to be exact, and I was doing what I normally did when J took a nap… cleaning house.  I’d vacuumed our room and was busily vacuuming the living room when I looked out onto the patio and saw my husband there, playing guitar with his phone on his lap.  I smiled, watching him for a moment, and then stuck my head out of the sliding glass door.

“Whatcha doin?” I asked with a smile, thinking how nice it was to hear him playing… thinking how nice it was to see him happy.

“Nothing!” He snapped at me quickly, dismissing me with a head flip.  I was taken aback but I figured I’d just surprised him.

“Who are you talking to?”

“Michael.” He threw the name out quickly, going back to his phone, and I left him alone.

I went back inside, turning the vacuum cleaner back on and starting back to work.  Only something didn’t feel right.  Something churned in the pit of my stomach and I turned off the noise and stood still for a moment, bracing myself against the machine.  Was I being foolish to suspect him again? Was I overreacting to his snippy manner?  I couldn’t shake that gut feeling that something was wrong so I stepped back outside, drawing in a deep breath and stretching out my hand.

“Can I see?”

He looked surprised, watching me for a moment.

“See what?” His voice was defensive immediately.

“See your phone.  Can I see your message from Michael.” My voice sounded flat against the blood pounding in my head.  I knew something was wrong. 

“I already erased it,” his eyes were shielded from me but I knew he was lying.

We bantered back and forth before he finally admitted it wasn’t Michael.  When he finally admitted the truth the words flew from his mouth like bullets, each one hitting it’s mark on my heart and driving me backwards into the house.  By the time he finished, I was pressed against the cool door of the refridgerator, using it to prop me up as I slid farther and farther away from him.  His words were full of venom, full of what seemed to be four years of pure hatred for me.  He told me he didn’t love me, didn’t want to be married to me, didn’t think we should have ever gotten married and that he never wanted to have a child in the first place.  He told me he hadn’t been happy since J was born and maybe not before.

In retrospect, I know he was looking for a scape goat, looking to blame someone or something for how he felt and how he acted.  I know if he could take those words back now he would… but he can’t.  You can’t unsay things like that, even if you never meant them to begin with.  He picked up his car keys and told me he was leaving, told me he wasn’t sure he’d ever be back, told me he would be happier if he never had to come back to the home I thought we were creating.

I was foolish to believe he was as content with our arrangement as I thought I was.  I was naive to believe that we could carry on the way were were going… two people sharing space and little else. 

And so he left, while our son slept peacefully in the back bedroom.  He left, while his wife vomited onto the newly cleaned kitchen floor and then forced herself to clean like she’d never cleaned before.  He left without knowing how torn I was, how I couldn’t decide if it would be better or worse if he never came back.

He just left.

And I didn’t know if he’d ever come back.

Only he did.  And things just got worse.

To be continued…

Comments

31 Responses to “The Brutal Truth: Part Five”

  1. Mrs Trophywife
    April 13th, 2012 @ 12:57 pm

    You were not the failure. He was for not being brave enough to tell you the truth. To be the husband he promised to be. To change for J’s sake.

    I love you.

  2. Lawmomma77
    April 13th, 2012 @ 1:48 pm

    We both failed in a lot of ways. His are just easier to point to, and easier for me to explain. One thing we’re both equally committed to is making damn sure that J is okay, though… and that’s what matters most.

  3. Mommyattorney
    April 13th, 2012 @ 1:12 pm

    This isis almost brutal to read so I cant imagine what it was like to live. I am amazed you could get out of bed much less be a mom and lawyer. You are a seriously tough lady and I hope you give yourself credit for surviving and moving forward.

  4. Lawmomma77
    April 13th, 2012 @ 1:47 pm

    Oh ask my former boss… I wasn’t much of an attorney. Ha!

  5. Brittany
    April 13th, 2012 @ 1:28 pm

    I want to type put every curse word I know and then kick is guy 20 times in the face. How could he say those things about your sweet innocent baby. I’ve bee cheated on, it’s the worst. Worse than the worst but with a sweet baby involved I can’t imagine your pain. You’re strong enough to overcome this your boy will admire you so much.i am so sorry. I can’t even read the story anymore it is so hard to read.

  6. Lawmomma77
    April 13th, 2012 @ 1:47 pm

    He didn’t mean them. I know that now. He needed to have a way to hurt me and I think he felt like that was the best way to do it.

    He wouldn’t hurt his son for all the money in the world.

  7. Courtney
    April 13th, 2012 @ 1:55 pm

    I have been gritting my teeth with each installment wanting to kick him in the balls and grab you and hug you (weird coming from an internet stranger!)
    People like him will never know true love and what a family should be. Sure he loves your son, but he is too selfish to really put another person before himself.
    People like you and me, we would bend over backwards for our children. We have a true unconditional love. He seems like there has always been conditions surrounding his love.
    I know you’ve thought it and been told it a million times, but you gained the BEST thing from this relationship in your son. And you are a strong, hard working mother, friend, daughter and person and your son will grow up with all of those amazing traits because you are there providing for him…teaching him…loving him.
    As for your ex…he can suck it:-)

  8. Lawmomma77
    April 13th, 2012 @ 2:17 pm

    this is just MY story… I am so sure that he could tell you horrors about what it was like living with me. He did the best he could… it just wasn’t good enough for me.

  9. Steph
    April 13th, 2012 @ 1:59 pm

    I think this story is beautifully written, and it is painful to read, but true and real and honest. I think you are doing a wonderful job of telling your side of the story. Part of my practice is being a divorce attorney, so I will not naively assume that he’s 100% the problem or the devil in disguise. I am very aware that it takes two to contribute to problems in a relationship. Anyway, having said all that, it is still hard for me to feel anything but anger toward him reading this… probably because I’ve read your blog for a really long time and felt very sympathetic to you for what you’ve gone through. I only say this because I wonder what J will think as time goes on… will you share this story with him? I know that you acknowledge he didn’t mean the things he said, and I am sure that’s true. I am sure he would take them back if he could. I am just wondering how J would take this all in.

    Just random musings for someone who spent the morning trying to combat parental alienation claims…

    Thanks for your courage in sharing this story. I think it’s very important for your healing and progress.

  10. Lawmomma77
    April 13th, 2012 @ 2:19 pm

    I think honesty is so important with children. And the honest truth is, I wanted a baby because I thought it would bring us closer and he didn’t want a baby because he thought it would drive us farther apart.

    That being said, once he arrived? Both of us love the hell out of our child. We do so differently, we do so in our own ways, but I don’t think J will ever have to wonder if his father or I love him.

  11. Taryn
    April 13th, 2012 @ 2:11 pm

    reading your story these last few days has made me rethink all of the things that happened in my marriage. it’s strange how similar our stories are… in my story you could just swap WoW with running/gym and add in a 26yr old who he cheated with for 6 months while i was pregnant.
    I feel for you. I know exactly what you’re going through. Here I am, a year later… finally moved into my own place and feeling kind of like I’m starting life over again. There are so many of us out here that feel the ring of truth when we read your words; we feel sympathy and empathy and compassion for you, because we have all gone through a similar scenario. Hang in there!

  12. Lawmomma77
    April 13th, 2012 @ 2:28 pm

    Isn’t it amazing the clarity that comes with a year? I’m sorry you had to go through anything similar… but I’m also sort of glad I’m not alone. 🙂

  13. Kristinayellow
    April 13th, 2012 @ 3:30 pm

    HUGS.

  14. Lawmomma77
    April 13th, 2012 @ 4:03 pm

    backatcha.

  15. Brandy Bruce
    April 13th, 2012 @ 4:46 pm

    I think you’re so brave just for being so transparent and authentic for your readers! You are an awesome momma!

  16. Law Momma
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:04 am

    Thanks… sometimes people just need to know they aren’t alone.

  17. Jackie Henson
    April 13th, 2012 @ 6:10 pm

    I think it is wonderful that you can open yourself up to people with the hardest parts of your life. Thank you for sharing & I am grateful to read your posts & you are a wonderful mama.

  18. Law Momma
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:04 am

    Thanks so much! I do the best I can, but don’t we all? 🙂

  19. Adriane Carpenter
    April 13th, 2012 @ 6:41 pm

    Hanging on to every word…

  20. Lawmomma77
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:05 am

    Ha! It’s like my own personal soap opera, right?

  21. Carolinecb
    April 14th, 2012 @ 12:10 am

    I love your responses to the comments most of all. I think they speak volumes about your character; you are the type of mother that will stand up for your son’s father so there is family unity (you’re insuring that your son is raised in a two parent home, and you’re not letting pride stand in the way because their are two roofs in your family). You’re the ype of wife (no matter that there is now a formal ‘ex’ infront of your title) that will defend her husband to the outside world (even if he got the ass chewing he deserved behind closed doors). And, you are the type of attorney that prioritizes your job and still swings it
    in the professional world. I hope I grow up to be just like you, and that my virtual and real world friends can see in me the honesty and integrity that is so apparent in you.

  22. Carolinecb
    April 14th, 2012 @ 12:14 am

    By ‘prioritizes your job’ I meant your job as a parent comes first 🙂

  23. Lawmomma77
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:06 am

    Thank you so much, honestly. I get very worried that people will think I’m trying to be all “My ex is a shit.” And that’s not it at all. I just want to be REAL about what happened.

  24. Angie Lang
    April 14th, 2012 @ 10:31 am

    I agree with all these words Carlinecb said about you LawMamma!! I have been following your blog for a long time now, since the beginning of last year, and I just want to thank you for your honesty. My parents split up just a few months before your marriage ended, and so I have walked the journey from a very different perspective than you have, as an adult child in all of this, but it has been so helpful to see your side of things. Thank you for being transparent and real, and for carrying yourself with a grace and dignity most of us can’t seem to have in difficult situations. 🙂

  25. KeAnne
    April 14th, 2012 @ 10:53 am

    I hate to say how much I am enjoying these installments b/c it’s not simply a riveting story: it’s your life. Thank you again for sharing something so personal

  26. Lawmomma77
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:07 am

    I know… my sister calls it a “page turner.” Kinda wish it WAS fiction so I could re-work the ending.

  27. MamaHudd
    April 14th, 2012 @ 9:20 pm

    All the snide comments I could make aside, I would just like to say how I am in awe of your ability to vacuum while J slept! Seriously, I’m sure E would sleep through it, but I have always been too scared to try! Hugs, lady.

  28. Lawmomma77
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:08 am

    HA! The vacuum cleaner was the only thing that would put J to sleep when he was little. We used to leave it on and just let it run.

  29. Griffitts
    April 15th, 2012 @ 12:15 am

    Oh my goodness….. What Caroline said!!!!

  30. Abigail Gorton
    April 15th, 2012 @ 1:21 am

    I was following your bLog day by day a year ago. Having read parts 1 to 5 in the last couple days, I went back and re-read April to May 2011. A.m.a.z.i.n.g… The hints of the depths and all the truths where in there, but they were deeply crafted hints that did not fully form without the keys of this ‘brutal truth’. The brutal truths as I see them now are that he had ‘checked out’ of the marriage months if not years before he finally left. This blog should be printed as a novel and it could be the defining text on why to ‘face the confrontation and leave already’ rather than stay and cheat. A long time ago, I was cheated on too. Ireacted the way you did too. Too much hope for the future and denial of the reality of the present situation. The roadmap was in front of me. I just could not, would not, did not read it.

  31. Lawmomma77
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:09 am

    No one likes to admit mistakes… no one likes to say “okay, it’s time to call it” on their marriage.

    And also thank you. You are too kind.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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