The Brutal Truth: Part Seven

Posted on | April 16, 2012 | 18 Comments

I waited until he had left to call because I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face him.   I wanted full control… again.  I needed full access… again.

He happily gave me the passwords to his accounts and I went studiously about the business of checking up after him.  I ran through his emails, his purchases, and his phone records.  I scanned and searched and delved into any and everything I could… searching for something I knew I would find… somewhere. And then, in the last place I looked, in his deleted sent email messages, I found what I wish I’d never found, but what needed to be discovered.

Finality.

The details are irrelevant.  What I found in his email is irrelevant. 

What I found in myself, was very relevant.  I was mind-numbingly angry.  I was grotesquely upset.  I was heartbroken and sad and hurt… and deep within my soul, I was also heart achingly relieved.   I was relieved to have what I needed to make the right decision.  I was relieved to know what I had to do.  I was relieved to have an ending to the pain of little by little, day by day, minute by minute, losing my best friend.

I made a reservation at a local hotel and started to pack mine and J’s things.  I called my husband and told him just what I thought about him and what he was doing.  I told him I was leaving and that I didn’t care if he ever came back again.  I told him it was over.

He begged me to reconsider.  He apologized for what I’d found, apologized for what he’d done… what he’d been doing. He turned around and headed back to Savannah, asking me to stay and talk, asking me to do anything other than leave.

I left.

My former employer was kind enough to understand, giving me time to go home to be with my family, time to think about what would come next… time to grieve what would never be again.  And so J and I left Georgia behind, we left his father, my husband behind… and though we would return, temporarily, to Savannah, we would never be a family again.

The rest is well documented.  The rest is written in the archives of my blog and the archives of my heart.  The rest does not need re-hashing.  There was so much heartache.  There were so many tears.  There was so much anger and yelling and not enough making amends.

Now, I sit, a year later, a year wiser.  I still have unanswered questions.  I still have unaddressed concerns, unspoken fears, and unforgiven sins.  My biggest regret will always and only be that we couldn’t find our way to an amicable ending to our marriage.  I regret that neither of us was strong enough to say what it really was: we weren’t right for each other; we weren’t happy together.  I regret that it took infidelity, and anger, and yelling to make us realize that we were always and only meant to love each other long enough and big enough to create J.

And oh how I regret the ending of what was a wonderful friendship, the deletion of six years of photographs, and the removal of six years of memories.  I miss my best friend; I ache over the necessary erasure of him from my life and my heart. 

But finally, and forever more, I do not regret the ending of my marriage.  I no longer regret the ending of the family I thought I had or the life I wanted to live. 

We went about it poorly.  We broke things that didn’t need to be broken. 

But ultimately we made the right decision, the very best decision…

For all three of us.

Comments

18 Responses to “The Brutal Truth: Part Seven”

  1. Jana A (@jana0926)
    April 16th, 2012 @ 7:47 pm

    ::sigh:: I”m so very proud of you for writing this out. And for being strong and brave enough to open your heart… for yourself and for others that your story will help. Love you. xoxo

  2. Lawmomma77
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:34 am

    I hope it WILL help someone… I really do. Otherwise, I’m just being stupid and over-sharing. hahahahaha!

  3. Mom on a Line
    April 16th, 2012 @ 8:40 pm

    I have been reading and not commenting because I simply didn’t know what to say for a long time now, but I just want to thank you for sharing so honestly. While I am not in the same position, your words still touched me very much and acted as a good reminder to keep perspective as to why I chose who I did and why it is so important for husband and I to continue to be honest with each other as we grow and change.

  4. Lawmomma77
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:33 am

    Thanks for reading… and I wish you only the happiest of marriages as you both grow… hopefully together. 🙂

  5. Kate Sluiter
    April 16th, 2012 @ 8:50 pm

    I, too, have been reading this whole story unfold figuring I would save my comments for the end. But I have no comments. The story is heartbreaking, but I am so happy you are finding some peace. You are strong, friend. And so very brave. J is so lucky to have you as his momma.

  6. Lawmomma77
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:33 am

    I hope he will always feel that way… although lets face it… he won’t. 🙂

  7. Taminginsanity
    April 16th, 2012 @ 10:00 pm

    Mwah. Marvelously illustrated.

    Sorry for lurking the past few months (commenting from my phone is excruciating) but I think your writing has never been truer.

  8. Lawmomma77
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:32 am

    I love you more than my luggage. I also owe you a BIGGER apology since you’ve all moved and birthed a baby and stuff and I haven’t done ANYTHING for you. I’m so sucky as a friend. 🙁

  9. TheNextMartha
    April 16th, 2012 @ 11:08 pm

    I waited too. You are incredible for writing your ass off. I mean. You’ve written more posts in 4 days than I do in practically a year. The story is gut wrenching yet I know that you are now better. Better for knowing what you need. Better for knowing yourself. Though, I do think that throughout some of this story, you are a bit harsh on yourself. Your dreams were not selfish. Not over eager. Not without warrant. Your dreams were to have a wonderful life and you know what? That’s ok to want. Your life may not be that picture you had, but seeing those pictures of your Easter weekend IS the complete picture.

  10. Lawmomma77
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:02 am

    Thank you so much, friend. You don’t know how much I treasure your words.

  11. Jackie Henson
    April 17th, 2012 @ 12:34 am

    I too, like all the other ladies here have been a silent reader, I never knew what too say, I was too afraid to say anything for sometimes it hit too close to home. You are so strong for knowing your strengths & your weaknesses, learning from them & growing. You are a wonderful person, an amazing mama & J is lucky to have you. thank you for sharing your heartbreak, your anger, your tears, your sadness, your hope, you patience, your laughter, and most of all your ability to be okay with the end result of everything.

    You are my inspiration for hopefully I will eventually reach the same conclusion in my separation/divorce when my husband decides to file, I am trying to not think of it every day so not to drive myself bonkers, he left as I am refusing to file as its not what I want.

  12. Lawmomma77
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:01 am

    Oh my heart breaks for you.

    Divorce is a terrible thing, especially when both parties are not equally involved in wanting the divorce… at least not at the same time. I’ll send you all the love and hugs I have to offer, and I’m always just an email away if you need a friendly ear.

  13. Jackie Henson
    April 18th, 2012 @ 12:20 am

    thank you lawmomma, your blog helps me get through to know its okay to feel everything i am feeling with out feeling like i am the worst person on the face of the earth or feeling like i am letting my daughter down by not being there as much as i used to be now that I have to work to take care of her.

    I agree it is hard when its a one sided divorce, it is also harder as he has not filed and he keeps telling me he will & he wants one but yet is not doing it. it is making it harder for me to move forward. I did send an email & I had a hard time writing parts of that as I havent really dealt with any of those feelings in almost 2 years.

  14. facie
    April 17th, 2012 @ 9:29 am

    Pretty much what everyone else said.

    None of this is ever easy. But it is wonderful (not the right word, I know) that you can now say that you ultimately made the right and best decision.

    Thanks for sharing your story. It was very engrossing, heart-breaking, and brutally honest. I hope you are still working on that book (or will write a different one some day).

  15. Lawmomma77
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:00 am

    Thank you for the kind words. Maybe a book is in my future… when I have spare time. (Cue laughter)

  16. Joanna @Growing up in Oz
    April 17th, 2012 @ 11:40 am

    I’ll admit throughout the past year there have been posts of yours that have been hard to read because I feel like a voyeur in a relationship that I had no business being “involved” in. Not because what you were writing was wrong or inappropriate, just because you have always been very raw in writing out your feelings and emotion. But once I got beyond feeling like I was reading something I shouldn’t it was amazing to watch you grow and change.

    I know there has been so much more to the past year than this blog but you really have taken us on your journey and we’ve watched you become an even stronger woman than you were before and continue to be a kick ass mother.

    Telling the whole story really feels like you have come full circle and are moving forward to kick some serious ass in the rest of your life and I’m so proud of you.

  17. Julie Sancken
    April 18th, 2012 @ 4:42 pm

    My heart aches for you reading this, but as I have been silent here for a year, I just wanted to tell you that I admire your strength and courage. J is lucky to have a mother like you! 🙂

  18. Olivia
    April 30th, 2012 @ 8:37 am

    “I fell in love with Carl when we were sixteen, but after HighSchool we lost touch. After all this time, I couldn’t get him off my mind. Then I tried your online Love Spell. Believe it or not, the very next day I ran into him at the mall! We have a date tonight, and right after this I’m going to cast another spell for Good Luck.” thanks to Dr. Gboco. email: gbocotemple@yahoo.com

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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