A Mending of Hearts

Posted on | May 4, 2012 | 11 Comments

I had my first heartbreak when I was a senior in college.

I remember calling and calling when it was finally over, wondering what went wrong and how to fix it… isn’t that the way with first heartbreaks? No matter what age?  Looking back, I shudder when I think about how lost I was for the better part of six months following our split.  He was my first love, my first “real” boyfriend, my first hopelessly horrific heartache.  I still can’t listen to “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt without shuddering a little with the memories.

Approximately four years later, I suffered through my second, barely making it off the sofa to eat or drink, barely doing anything other than crying.  I remember my friends forcing me to come to their apartment and they sat at their kitchen table and whispered in hushed tones while I tried to muffle my sobs.  I couldn’t move without crying.  I couldn’t breathe without crying.  Every tiny part of me cried out, wondering why he didn’t love me, wondering why I was so alone.  But I had asked for the heartache.  I had put myself out there when normally I wouldn’t, and the tears were bittersweet and heavy on my heart.

Photo Courtesy of the talented: http://sarah-wade.blogspot.com/2008/11/mended-heart.html

Seven years later, I had my third… a smoother, easier break in so many ways.  Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing, but somehow it didn’t shatter me quite as much.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and wiser or just that deep down I knew our marriage was little more than a sham from six months in.  Yes, ultimately, I think that’s what it was.  My heart break happened in May of 2008, the year after we got married, the weeks and months of sorrow and regret… and again in March of 2010.  By the time the end rolled around, I no longer really thought of my husband as one of the great loves of my life.

Isn’t that sad?

Or is it…

Because who I do consider to be the greatest love of of my life, the person who patched together my piece meal heart, sprung from that not-so-great love I had for my husband.  The greatest love of my life grew slowly, changing me… changing my marriage… changing what I expected for myself and from my husband.

Without J, I would have remained softly content, waiting in the wings for a husband who didn’t want me, didn’t want the life I wanted, didn’t need the things I needed.  Without J, my eyes would have stayed downcast, slowly nodding… slowly fading… slowly becoming someone I never should have been…. not even for a moment.  With J, I knew he deserved more… knew he deserved to see a healthy relationship, a healthy marriage.  With J, I knew I deserved more… I deserved love, I deserved a man who would support and love me, who would treasure me the way I deserved to be treasured.

So in all the best ways, my son and my divorce created a world where I can be myself… where I can be happy.  Without both, without either, I would not be here today.  I would be a shell of a woman.  I would be a frightened stone of a girl, wondering when the next verbal blow would rain down, wondering when he’d remind me just how terrible I was in every way.

My first heartbreak taught me to let go.

My second heartbreak taught me to try.

My third heartbreak taught me to mend.

And now I am whole.  Scarred but together, chipped but complete.  I believe that I am a better person, a better woman, and a better mother because of the heartbreaks I have weathered.  I believe that I am a stronger soul, a braver heart, and a fuller conscience because of the tears I have shed.

And above all else, I am thankful for the person I am.  I am thankful for the heartbreaks that lead me to her, that helped to create her, that shaped and molded her into the woman who types this post.  I am not perfect.  I am flawed and curved where I should be straight.  I am bent and off-kilter but I am me.

I am stronger.

And I am happy.

Comments

11 Responses to “A Mending of Hearts”

  1. Jennifer O.
    May 4th, 2012 @ 9:49 am

    Awesome!! Your words give me chills because the healing process is so important.

  2. lawmomma
    May 4th, 2012 @ 1:48 pm

    It really is… I couldn’t have typed this post this time last year.

  3. MaconMom
    May 4th, 2012 @ 11:06 am

    beautiful!

  4. lawmomma
    May 4th, 2012 @ 1:48 pm

    Mwah!

  5. molly
    May 4th, 2012 @ 12:11 pm

    This is beautiful. I have had many heartbreaks in life and I suppose they all taught me something. You know, after the anger and such resolved. My first heartbreak changed me more than anything in my life. I was so young and it was my first time learning that not everyone is a good person. I grew up in a happy bubble and so my first break up was a SHOCKER.

  6. lawmomma
    May 4th, 2012 @ 1:48 pm

    Mine, too. I thought that we were FOREVER… the way you do when you’re head over heels. It was like a shattering of everything I thought was true… BUT, I survived. We both did. 🙂

  7. Jana A (@jana0926)
    May 4th, 2012 @ 5:59 pm

    Wow. I don’t even know what to say. This is so beautiful. Just like you… inside and out.

  8. Jo
    May 4th, 2012 @ 11:07 pm

    There is a song by the band Rilo Kiley called More Adventurous that goes “with every broken heart we should become more adventurous.” I love that. It’s too easy to let heartbreak let us withdraw. Glad to see you aren’t letting that happen.

  9. facie
    May 5th, 2012 @ 10:46 am

    My first instinct was to write beautiful, because those words are, and I see I am in good company. You truly have a gift for writing.

    Too many people stay together for the kids, but you really do have it “right.” So glad you are mending and in a good place.

  10. Chrisa93
    May 5th, 2012 @ 9:59 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxPT3O-X4vc
    Very lovely and so true- above is a link for a Carrie Underwood song “It starts with goodbye” which seems like this could be your theme song for this post 🙂

  11. Happy after it all « The News Are Good
    May 10th, 2012 @ 7:54 pm

    […] has had her heart broken, but she is happy. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. Categories […]

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