Posted on | May 22, 2012 | 18 Comments
It’s Tuesday and my sublime happiness has returned from its Monday hibernation.
This morning, I got up at 5:30 to finish prepping for my 9:30 court appearance. I let the dogs outside and sat in the cool morning stillness of my house, listening to the slow drip of the coffee maker and the whirr of the fan over my head. In between reading depositions and medical records, I got myself ready for work and sipped cup after cup of hot coffee.
Around 6:15, J got up in a happy mood, dancing down the hallway and singing “What do you do with a scurvy pirate?” over and over again. (Thanks, Backyardigans). He settled down to watch Dora and Diego while I finished prepping and getting ready.
And then something amazing happened.
I decided to try on an old suit, one that I haven’t been able to wear since my first year of law school. I drew in a deep breath and stepped into the skirt, wondering just how high the zipper would go THIS time (cause yeah, I try it on every so often to remind myself that I used to be thin).
And it zipped.
All the way.
More than that, the jacket buttoned.
And by 7:00, I found myself actually wearing the smallest size in my closet… the size I haven’t worn since 7 or 8 years ago.
And I smiled the biggest I’ve smiled in a while… not because it’s a smaller size or because I’ve lost weight, even though those are great things for me.
I’m smiling because I have a secret… I know a secret…
I know that the reason I’ve lost weight is because I am deliriously happy with my life right now. I know that the reason I feel beautiful and sexy and thin for the first time since 2004/2005 is because I’m actually HAPPY for the first time since 2004/2005. Hindsight really is 20/20. I wish I could go back to that girl, stranded on the side of the road in late 2005, and whisper in her ear that although he would seem charming and attentive, he would not make her happy. I wish I could slide my hand in hers and pull her away from him, shaking my head and pointing her down a different road.
Though, of course, then I wouldn’t be who I am today… a homeowner, a lawyer, and most importantly a mother. And without being those things, I wouldn’t be nearly as content. So perhaps I would simply slide my hand in hers and squeeze it gently, knowing the heartache that lay out before her, knowing what she would put herself through to make him happy. Maybe I would just lay my head against hers and whisper in her ear that it would hurt… badly… but it would be worth every moment of pain.
And it has been.
And it will be.
Worth every second.