My Child Does NOT Belong on Anyone’s “Con” List

Posted on | June 13, 2012 | 20 Comments

One of the hardest things to get used to, now that I’m single again, is the concept that there are men out there who will not and do not love my child.  There are men who actually think that J is a mark in the negative column of their pro/con list on me… men who do not understand that he is the greatest “Pro” ever to be listed.

Yesterday afternoon, I got a text from the guy I’d gone out with on Saturday and Monday.  He was up front and honest, which I appreciated, but he basically said he wasn’t 100% sure about dating a woman with a child.

He basically said that J was in the “con” box and was outweighing any and all “pros” he had listed.

My first instinct, as a mother, was to claw his eyes out for even hinting that my child was a drawback… a reason not to date me.  But ultimately I realized he was doing me a favor.  Because I don’t need a man in my life who doesn’t understand who the most important person in the world is to me.   I don’t need a man who even STARTS to list J in the con list…. didn’t I already go through that once with a different man?

Still, it is hard to bear the weight of two souls in this new world of dating.  It is hard to know that there are people out there who will try to separate me from J, wondering if there’s a way to date only one of us.

To any interested in knowing?

There isn’t.

We’re a package deal.

We’re two peas in a pod.

We’re joined at the heart and if given the option to decide between a lover and my child?

I will always choose my child.

Always.

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Category: about me, dating, single parenting

Comments

  • guest

    I agree! And you may not watch the Bachelorette, but she went thru this on Monday night. She sent a guy home immediately when she found out he said her daughter was “baggage”. She said that whoever she is meant to be with will know her daughter is a blessing. I agree with this!

    • lawmomma

      Good for her. GOOD FOR HER!

  • pinkflipflops44

    well that blows, but i completely agree with you. i’m sorry.

    • lawmomma

      :D

  • Meghan

    I agree! Once upon a time I was a single mom of 3. I know where you’re coming from, and I also know that there ARE men who would never consider your son a con! You and J deserve and will find better!

    • lawmomma

      Yes we do. We absolutely do.

  • Andrea

    There will be good ones who love him, and those are the best ones to have. My FIL is one of them, met and married my MIL when hubby was a toddler. I thank God at least every Father’s Day that he was the man that raised him and not his biological.

    • lawmomma

      Keeping my fingers crossed I’ll find THAT guy… and not have to go through too many blegh guys to get to him. :)

  • http://twitter.com/NoStylePoints Adrienne Jones

    When I met him, my husband didn’t want to date anyone without children because he didn’t think a non-parent could understand how important his own son was to him. He never saw my kids as a problem to be overcome. Someone out there will know that J can only ever be a pro.

    • lawmomma

      I hope so.

  • http://www.facebook.com/HeatherGriffittsClark Heather Griffitts Clark

    Well, the positive side to that is that the guy knew his own mind and heart without wasting a ton of your time and emotion. That’s actually a commendable thing. Not that you’re saying this, because you’re not, but it doesn’t make him a bad guy – it makes him exactly what you said he is: not the guy for you.

    I wish more people in this world knew they didn’t want little ones long before the little ones were involved. It’d make the life for millions of children a whole lot better.

    And the life of their parents better too – because trust me, you really, really don’t want to be in a relationship with a person that is not into kids the way you are. Like you said, you’ve already been there and done that. I’m pretty sure you bought the T-shirt too.

    So – while it completely sucks – good for him for being upfront about that.

    And you – well you got a little practice at the whole dating thing – and at having a “date” when the kids are asleep (it’s a useful skill when you DO find the right guy….or are even married to the right guy), you’re just as awesome as you always are and doing what a mama should. The guy that knows that’s the kind of woman for him? He’ll come along….he will….and it will rock your socks off.
    :)

    • lawmomma

      I totally agree. He’s not a bad guy… he knew that he didn’t want this to go anywhere and I respect that. Totally. I just would have preferred to know before a second date, since he probably knew before we went out at all that he wasn’t interested in kids.

  • Merrill Boykin

    Well that stinks! But at least he was honest with you now instead of later. One of my first thoughts was of the Bachelorette, which someone else has already mentioned. As single moms, our children do come first. For me, it took finding a single dad to find someone who understood that. Not always the case, but that was my experience. You will find just the right someone!

    • lawmomma

      Apparently I should watch that show! haha.

  • Smith24

    I respect that he is not 100% sure about dating a single mother – I can understand that sentiment and its a rational consideration. However for him to say that it outweighs any positive attributes about you sounds harsh and fishy to me. Maybe count it as a blessing. I am sorry that happened.

    • lawmomma

      Oh no, he didn’t say that! He was very nice about it. I actually didn’t mean to make it sound like there was anything wrong with him… it was more that it had really just never occurred to me that people would not want to date me JUST because I have a child.

      • Smith24

        Ah I see…I misread. Well maybe he needs time to just think it over. Some times guys get all wrapped up and confused in their own minds and just need to work it out!

  • beachmum

    And the fact that he texted you to inform you of this puts him on my ‘con’ list. Better off without him. Period.

  • http://twitter.com/MomMadeItLookEZ Jennifer Williams

    I agree with you. If I were ever in your position it would be a package deal. But I’m glad that he told you now instead of waiting until a few more dates. Or until he had actually met J. Or have never said anything had resentment towards him.

  • http://www.abigailgorton.com/ Abigail Gorton

    Do you believe in love above logic? In a mighty powerful, overwhelming feeling??? I do. And the day WILL come when it hits you again. And the day will come when it hits this guy again.

    But Saturday and Monday were not that day for either of you.

    If it had hit you that strong, you’d tell us. If it had hit him that strong he’d have been just fine with J. More than just fine.

    I’m assuming he knew about J before the first and the second date. If a child was really the issue, he would be saving himself the time and effort of dating anyone with a child. Unless he, like you is newly returned to the dating scene and he is just figuring out what is a limit for him. If he is just starting out, we’ll cut him some slack. We all learn our limits as we try things out. We all have boundaries. We figure out whether we can or cannot date outside our city limits, our faith, our ethnicity or our parental status… just whatever it is that works and does not work for each of us.

    See us voyeurs (or Opera Chorus) are way more full of confidence for you than you are for yourself. You are so going to find someone wonderful!




  • I'm a divorced, single mom to a pre-schooler, a full-time attorney, and a semi-reluctant vegetarian. I work hard and when given the chance, I play hard... but I'm almost never given the chance.

    I think fart jokes are funny, I'm pretty sure magic is real, and my life long dream is to buy a farm and write a novel while watching horses run around at a respectable distance. (Because horses are scary up close. Seriously.)

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