Seven Minutes

Posted on | June 18, 2012 | 11 Comments

You know that moment when you realize that your life is about to drastically change in all the wrong ways?

Yeah.

That moment happened this weekend.

For almost the entirety of J’s young life, he has been a really good kid.  He listens … pretty well.  He obeys… most of the time.  He knows right from wrong… sort of.  And above all else, he’s always been quite content to watch television or play quietly with his toys while I do the “necessaries.”  You know, things like going to the bathroom, cooking dinner, taking a shower… things that just plain HAVE to be done. Without 2 year old supervision.

So it was without any trepidation whatsoever that I left him happily engaged in Wow Wow Wubzy on Saturday morning while I ran to the restroom and jumped in the shower.  They had to be done.  We had plans that afternoon and I’d been exercising.  These things, this shower and this bathroom break, they had to be done.

I take really fast showers.  Like SUPER fast.  Call it the mom in me, but honestly it dates back to being a camper/camp counselor and knowing the warmish water was going to disappear in a matter of moments.  So the entire trip to the restroom lasted no more than 7 minutes.  Tops.  I was relieved, showered, dressed and out the bathroom door in less than seven minutes.

Does anyone remember that game “Seven Minutes in Heaven?”  The one where you would get locked in a closet with a boy for seven minutes and everyone outside would oooh and ahh and wonder exactly what was going on in there while usually, NOTHING was going on except two middle school kids feeling awkward and giggling?  Seven minutes was a really long time then.

Seven minutes is still a REALLY long time.

Because in the seven minutes I was “indisposed” and “unavailable” for my child, he managed to climb up onto the island in the kitchen, grab my purse, open my purse, dig through my purse until he found his weapon of choice…. bright pink glitter nail polish… and then run around the house like a fairy on speed, sprinkling pink glitter nail polish on every surface of the house.

The white cabinets in the kitchen? Pink.

The white countertops? Pink.

My brand new purse? Pink.

The sliding glass doors, the white french doors, the laminate flooring in the kitchen, the kitchen table, three chairs and part of the living room carpet?  Mother effing pink.

THE G-D TELEVISION SCREEN WAS PAINTED PINK.

Seven minutes in hell.

Seven minutes of decorative expression from my two year old which resulted in twenty plus minutes of muttering, grumbling, angst ridden cleaning which left my house smelling like a two-bit nail salon which was inexplicably STILL PINK.

It’s clear that I need a new plan for showering in the mornings. 

Is velcro frowned upon?

Comments

11 Responses to “Seven Minutes”

  1. Mel
    June 18th, 2012 @ 8:50 am

    I feel your pain girl. Luckily, my hubby is home during the week – but on Saturdays when he works, I usually have to throw my son in the shower with me — or what you wrote is exactly what happens. I am hoping he outgrows that before he is too old to shower with me anymore lol. Can you shower before he wakes up maybe? I try to sneak one in like that if I can…Good luck 🙂

  2. Violina23
    June 18th, 2012 @ 9:16 am

    You are not alone. There is even a website dedicated to this:
    http://www.shitmykidsruined.com/

  3. Michelle Stibbs
    June 18th, 2012 @ 11:26 am

    I have three, 3 and under. we all three shower together. It’s basically the opposite of relaxing. But this morning, even with me awake and around the youngest (14months) managed to push a fan out the window, pulled down a lamp and bedside table, and shoved his peanut butter toast into the dvd player. And the middle one crapped in the corner. Not joking. I’m seriously thinking about kennels.

  4. nitnelion
    June 19th, 2012 @ 7:00 pm

    OMG…. I just burst out laughing (at work) at your post Michelle…. most of all because I could see my own kids doing exactly these same things. Hope you own a good carpet cleaner!

  5. KeAnne
    June 18th, 2012 @ 1:15 pm

    Oh wow. It’s amazing how destructive little ones can be in only a few minutes.My little boy is starting to move from the innocently destructive phase to the willingly destructive phase to see what my reaction will be.

  6. Stacey Levin-Esar
    June 18th, 2012 @ 1:52 pm

    My unsolicited advice: Either keep him in his crib for his own safety, or take him into the shower with you.

  7. cr
    June 18th, 2012 @ 4:54 pm

    Sometimes I am so grateful for the tantrums I get instead of this…. I have resorted to her stroller or booster seat (it has straps, and a tray that clicks on. Cheerios can keep a buckled in kid busy for 7 min. (we actually put her in he bathroom facing the shower so we am chat.

  8. facie
    June 18th, 2012 @ 8:51 pm

    I hope you took pics. You will laugh about this someday, I bet. 🙂

  9. Abigail Gorton
    June 18th, 2012 @ 11:50 pm

    Ha ha! When the last Harry Potter book came out I got it at midnight. Reading in the garden the next day with my 3 yo playing with makeup. The garden, right? She was clown painting her face. How wrong could it go? Well I finally looked up and realized she had painted her face with nail polish not lipstick.

  10. Amy R
    June 19th, 2012 @ 8:19 pm

    Yep, each new age bring a new “REALLY? How DID you do that?? and Why?” Welcome to the next stage of the mommyhood club.

  11. Eli Pacheco
    June 23rd, 2012 @ 11:26 am

    I just saw a picture of a blissfully happy baby, duct-taped to a wall with her favorite toy.

    But duct tape is SO expensive.

    My vote is for the Velcro.

    Try, and blog it?

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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