Mommy is Special?

Posted on | July 11, 2012 | 6 Comments

You know that moment when you’re just about to do something stupid and the air sort of shimmers and the world around you slows down?  You sort of know that you’re going to do something that’s going to embarass you greatly but you can’t actually do anything about it because you’re standing in quicksand and you’re feet won’t work no matter how hard you try to get yourself out of that damn situation.

That was my morning.

I don’t know if everything was wonky because it was so foggy out or if it was foggy out because my life was so damn … wonky.  First, I woke up to J stumbling in from his room just after 5 and asking me in a loud whisper if today was his birthday.  When I assured him it was not, he went right back to bed and slept until just after 7. (I feel ya, kid.  Birthdays are awesome.) Meanwhile, I was wide awake so I got up and fed the dogs… only instead of putting the food in their bowls, apparently my hands believed pouring the food onto the floor was a better option.

Fail number one.

Once we were dressed and ready to go and J had announced that “Gray smells good” for some inexplicable reason, we headed out to school.   He then looked at me and said “Mommy, you so special.” And my heart exploded and I thought “Yep, today is going to be a kick ass day.”

Have I mentioned that I also have “interesting” dogs?  Like not in the good way.  They poop outside and all but the idea of pooping in the grass? Yeah, no.  They’re not fans of that.  Give them a nice smooth sidewalk or poured concrete of any kind and their asses pooch out and there’s crap everywhere.  So getting to the car in the mornings is sometimes a bit of an obstacle course… step over this, avoid that… because it’s not like a nice neat pile… it’s little dots of crap all along the places normal people walk.

This is important because J announced several times on the ride to school that my car was dirty and I sort of ignored him.

He wasn’t kidding.

Kiddo had stepped in dog… droppings… and proceeded to smear it all over the back of the passenger seat.  Like a 40 pound Picasso of poop.

Once he was safely at school and his shoes had been washed off along with the seat back, I headed on to work only to find that my gas light was on.  I pulled into the station near my work and got out of the car.

Here is where my morning completed itself in a glorious fireworks display of awesome.

First, I spent the better part of three minutes trying to shove the diesel fuel nozzle into my non-diesel car.  It took the assistance of a very bemused ELDERLY MAN… like the guy had a cane and couldn’t stand up straight…  to direct me otherwise. 

Second, I happily put the correct nozzle in and began to pump fuel, watching the price tag soar up over $30 (not terrible) before I went to stop the madness.

That’s when the world got all shimmery and a little fairy popped out on the side of my head with a “tsk tsk” and told me that I was about to royally screw something up.  It would have been more helpful if she’d just hit me with a toaster and said “STOP PUSHING THE BUTTON” because what I did was draw back the nozzle WHILE STILL HOLDING THE SPRAY BUTTON and doused myself with gasoline. 

At my crotch.  All over my crotch.

Like I toxic peed my pants.

Perhaps, when J smiled at me this morning and said “Mommy, you so special,” I should have realized he didn’t mean it as a compliment.

Comments

6 Responses to “Mommy is Special?”

  1. Jessica Applegate
    July 11th, 2012 @ 9:13 am

    hahahahhaha, you made my day better? Does that count for anything?

  2. Jana Anthoine
    July 11th, 2012 @ 9:15 am

    Hahahahahah! Sorry. Laughing WITH you 🙂

  3. KeAnne
    July 11th, 2012 @ 9:23 am

    Bless your heart. I have so had those days! Mine usually begin with putting the cat food into the water bowl. Don’t light any matches, ok? Wouldn’t want your crotch to explode LOL

  4. JennB
    July 11th, 2012 @ 11:38 am

    Hands you the trophy, and claps!

    It’s not that bad… I purposely took the 2 yr old to daycare in my pajamas, which today consist of a too small tank top and yoga pants from 1992 or earlier. (traces of paint, holes in them).
    I made a pizza for breakfast and accidentally ate it all. That’s a lie, I dipped each slice in a little ranch dressing and LOVED it.
    I’m supposed to be cutting the grass (preparing for parents visit this weekend) and I lied to myself and said I had A LOT of work to do first (i’m working from home today bc boss is traveling). I almost convinced myself it was going to rain.. the room looks gloomy from inside, it could happen.

    And now I’m making a list for the grocery store…
    I haven’t showered yet, glasses still on my face and no plans to catch up on either.

    Back to you… did you go home and change before going to work? How do you explain toxic crotch to work folks?

    I really really hope you’re day gets better!

    Mine is doomed because I’m having way too much fun goofing off and telling myself lies about what I should be doing.

  5. Jackie Henson
    July 11th, 2012 @ 12:32 pm

    awww we all have those days but i admit i had to laugh a little 😛 hope it gets better & no more picasso poop paintings in you’re car & no more toxic pee’d on pants 🙂

    i had my little moment last week while practice driving, it was funny yet scary at the same time, thank goodness i had two other people with me 😛

  6. Violina23
    July 11th, 2012 @ 1:38 pm

    Too funny! Here’s hoping your day ends cleaner than it started. At least you’re laughing at yourself! (Well, maybe not about the poop, I’ll give you that…)

    My 2.5 year old just transitioned into a “big girl bed” and the first few times, she got out of bed and got into the drawer with the diaper cream and had smeared desatin all over her face (probably thought it was like mommy’s facial creams). I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically when I saw her!

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
  • Twitter

  • Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

  •  


  • Grab my button for your blog!