A Time To Fly

Posted on | July 27, 2012 | 4 Comments

Friday usually means a day of anticipation for the weekend, a day of wrapping up things around the office and preparing for the week ahead.  Friday usually means… relief.

But this Friday is a little different.  There is relief, but it is a bittersweet, birdsong of release rather than the mundane cycle of another work week.  There is anticipation, but it is for the years of life stretched out before me.  There is wrapping up, but it is of the loose ends of a lost girl and the tied heartstrings binding her into a woman.

It’s been a stressful week for a lot of reasons. 

I’ve been doing a lot of soul and heart and gut searching and trying to figure out what this week means for the next little while in my life.  I’ve been listening to the words and the hearts of my friends, my co-workers, my blog readers, my twitter friends, trying to parse out the answer for how I feel about where and who I am at this particular moment.

When I was married, I spent 99.9% of my time doing whatever my husband wanted me to do.  I’m sure he’d tell you otherwise, but in my mind, that’s what I did.  I wanted to keep the waters placid.  I didn’t want to rock the boat, didn’t want to startle the surf… didn’t want to ruffle even the smallest of feathers.  Because life just ran smoother if I did whatever I thought would bother him the least.  And that wasn’t his fault, it was mine. 

I was afraid that if I said what I thought, he’d leave.  And I was afraid if he left, there would never be anyone else.

This week, I’ve done a lot of thinking about my role in the destruction of my marriage.  I’ve thought about the person I became the instant I found that first text message on his phone.  I’ve thought about how I let myself dissolve, creating in my place a Stepford wife… ready to bend and bow and please as requested.  I lost my voice, my personality, my sense of self.  I lost everything about myself. And that was on me…. not on him.  That was my decision, to my detriment, based on my fear and self-loathing. Saying “yes” meant I was being agreeable, being polite, being kind.  Saying “yes” meant everything was okay with my self and my marriage.

Two days ago, in the midst of a text message argument, I told J’s father “no” to what he was requesting.  I stood my ground.   I refused to give in.  I told him I was not being rude, it was just not something I was going to do.  He agreed that I wasn’t being rude and then, probably without meaning to, he offered me a gift.

“You’re not being YOU.”

There.  Tucked into the midst of a silly argument about silly things.  There was the peace and comfort and truth that I’ve been searching for.

For four plus years, I lost myself in my husband and in my role as “wife.”

For four plus years, I said “yes” when my heart screamed “no,” when the word tasted sour on my lips… when the syllable struck fear in my heart and built up, pound after pound on my frame and soul.

For four plus years, I was someone else.

He was so right.

When I said “No” to him on Wednesday I was not being the me that he was accustomed to.

I was being the me I’ve been meaning to be…

For a very long time.  

And suddenly… I can actually feel my wings unfurl and I am ready and able to fly again.

Finally.

A well-loved reader sent me this quote on a postcard when I first got divorced. It has now been passed along to another single mom.
Image courtesy of: www.simplequotesblog.blogspot.com

Comments

4 Responses to “A Time To Fly”

  1. R's Mom
    July 27th, 2012 @ 12:03 pm

    I am so happy for you, for so many reasons. And I’m glad you built your wings! Your post made me teary (in a good way). Hugs, and happy flying!

  2. KeAnne
    July 27th, 2012 @ 3:36 pm

    I’m very proud of you!

  3. kristinayellow
    July 28th, 2012 @ 9:46 am

    This post is amazing-I am going to bookmark it so that I can read it often to remind myself that I cannot lose myself in this marriage. I cannot be afraid to be myself and to actually know who I am. If I pretend, like I have been for so long, things will not get better and it is not what I want my daughter (and coming soon baby 2) to see as a model of a marriage. I need to say no. I need to have a voice, an opinion and it’s ok. I wish all people getting married could read this and really understand this–it’s so easy to lose yourself in marriage, esp when one of you has fears or concerns (in my case, low confidence and definitely “who is gonna want me if he leaves because I say whatever”). You and I have never met in person (if ever in Charlotte, let me know!) but you have definitely impacted my life. HUGS.

  4. Heather White
    July 29th, 2012 @ 6:24 pm

    Thank you for your honesty. I am lost. Fake. Amenable. Not myself. My very close friend went out with my AND my husband for the very first time the other night. She was stunned at how different I was around him. In her words–I was not me at all. I was thankful for her candor–and thankful for you.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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