After the Storm

Posted on | August 13, 2012 | 11 Comments

It’s been a whole year.

Can you believe that? Can you even fathom that it’s been a full year since I sat in the half-empty Chatham County courtroom and sobbed out “yes” when my attorney asked me if my marriage was irretrievably broken?

Because honestly, I can barely believe it myself.

I go back and read the words I typed here, the emotions that poured out of me through the cracks and holes in my heart, and I wonder how so much changed in such a short time.  I wonder how it’s possible to heal so quickly, to mend and stitch and paste together the pieces I thought were gone, the segments of my heart and of myself that I believed were permanently lost.  I look at my life now and I think only “yes” where I used to think “no”‘, I see splashes of sky where I used to see only storm clouds, colors where there used to be merely black and white.

I am a whole, vibrant, and thriving woman.

I am a happy, satisfied, embraced by the world and most importantly myself, divorcee and single mom.

And when I look at where I was just 365 days ago, I can finally believe that anything and everything is possible.

So to any of you, to all of you, who are lost in the world of wondering, adrift in the sea of newly separated or soon-to-be divorced, please know this…

There is life after divorce.

There is love after heartbreak.

There is light at the end of the darkness.

People told me this was true some 365 days ago.  People whispered “you’ll survive” and “you’ll get through this” into my disbelieving ears.  But it all seemed too big, the hurt too real.  It felt as though I would never be able to look in the mirror and see anything other than a broken woman, half-gone.  Divorce feels somehow worse than dying when it first begins.  It feels like losing everything and yet still waking up every morning as though it never happened to the rest of the world.  It feels like a slap in the face, again and again, until you lose every part of yourself in the overwhelming ache of it all.

It feels like being rejected every time you check “Single” on a physician form, every time you say “no” when asked if you’re married, every time you catch yourself referring to your “husband” or your “in-laws.”

Divorce feels like melting.  Like every day there is less of you; less to love, less to embrace, less to know, less to just be.

But oh my God, is the rebirth worth it all… please trust me on that.  Because divorce is not the rejection of you.  Divorce is not the stripping away, the baring of all your fears and shortcomings for the world to see.

It only feels that way.

The truth is this:  Divorce is nothing more nor less than the reconstruction of your soul, the rebuilding of your heart, the re-strengthening of your resolve that you are worthy of being loved the way you need to be loved.  It is nothing more nor less than just exactly what you need in the form and format you least desired.

Divorce is your freedom to be you, after years of being not loved enough, not appreciated enough, not respected enough.

Because no matter the grounds for YOUR divorce, if it comes to divorce then neither of you were who or where you needed to be.

So seek shelter the best you can.  Hunker down and let the tears come as fast and as often as they need to.  Kick, scream, write, draw…  get out the hurt the best you can.  Because at the end of the year, those tears you shed now will bring the peace you deserve.

You will get through this.

You will be stronger.

You will be happier.

You will, you are, you have always been completely worthy of being loved.

Trust me on that.  I’ve been where you are.

And I lived to sit where I am now and tell you all about it.

Comments

11 Responses to “After the Storm”

  1. Alycia Palmer
    August 13th, 2012 @ 10:51 am

    Thank you!!!! You have no idea how much you feel the same things i am feeling. You have helped me tremendously. After 6 years together two months ago we ended it and the fog has not quite lifted yet. i know i desrved better but for him to not wanna be better for me… that cuts deep everytime i think about it!!! it is great to see in real words that “LIFE GOES ON”

  2. Law Momma
    August 13th, 2012 @ 1:09 pm

    I’m so glad I’m helping even a little. And yeah, life does go on… even when you don’t want it to. Trust me, it’s not that he didn’t want to be better… it’s that he couldn’t be the person you need, not the person you deserve. You’re going to be better than fine… hang in there.

  3. Kathryn F Walker
    August 13th, 2012 @ 12:51 pm

    hey cousin–
    even though i was childless when i got divorced, it still was a strange and hard place to be. like everything was one way and then suddenly it wasn’t. the comedian Louis CK says that people needn’t pity folks who get divorced. (i got a lot of sad looks after my first marriage dissolved, and also distance, as if divorce was contagious and they might catch it.) he says divorce is always a good thing–that if two people who were truly in love and got along so well, if those two people got divorced then it would be so sad–but that’s never the case. anyhow, love your blog. so daggum good.

  4. Law Momma
    August 13th, 2012 @ 1:08 pm

    Thanks, cousin. You’re pretty freaking fantastic, just so you know. We should have hung out more when we were smaller ones. 😉

    And I love that from Louis CK… so very true.

  5. Jess
    August 13th, 2012 @ 3:22 pm

    Happy Anniversary, Law Momma. That sounds weird, but it is the anniversary of your evolution and being YOU again. And you’ve done an amazing job handling it. As expected.

  6. Craig
    August 13th, 2012 @ 4:37 pm

    All I can say is thank you, your words are perfect!! I am so glad I saw you and followed you. Hope things keep getting better and better for you!

  7. kristinayellow
    August 13th, 2012 @ 5:50 pm

    I am so happy for you. I remember when you first wrote about the idea of divorce, how sad you were, and how much I wished that I could do something to help you feel better, to glimpse your future which I was certain would be happier. You are amazing and I’m so glad you shared this experience with us all–I can’t tell you how often I have bookmarked or forwarded your posts to friends or family. You truly have a gift and although I hate that you had to go through this painful rebirth, please know how much you are loved, especially by those who have never met you face to face.

  8. Amy Bowman Rorrer
    August 13th, 2012 @ 6:02 pm

    I needed that! Its only been six months, but still very painful at times. You give the rest of us hope!

  9. Elena Sonnino
    August 13th, 2012 @ 11:24 pm

    I am approaching my 4th year post divorce mark—and yes….so very enough. xo

  10. Lola M.
    August 14th, 2012 @ 2:18 pm

    Amen. I am so glad you kept moving even when you couldn’t. And I know that for you writing was absolutely essential for the healing process. Yeah for coming out the other side even more shining and beautiful!

  11. Dre
    August 21st, 2012 @ 8:46 am

    I have been reading your blog for years now (being a Law Momma myself), even before your divorce. I am now almost two months into my divorce process, and this post really lightened my soul today. Of course I know intellectually that things will get better with time, but emotionally, I still struggle. Thank you for this post.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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