Discontent Lives Here

Posted on | August 15, 2012 | 22 Comments

I worked a long day yesterday.

It was a hard day, full of disappointments and set backs, and I left the office in a really lousy mood.  I got to daycare only to be handed two bags of dirty clothes and a conversation with his teacher about what we needed to do to work on the potty training.

J cried the whole way home because he wanted juice I didn’t have and when we got home, the dogs jumped and scratched at my legs until their dinners were basically hurled at them by my tired and frustrated hands.  I slapped together a healthy PB&J for J and sank down onto the sofa to watch The Lorax with him for the nine jillionth time since purchasing it on Friday.  I was exhausted.

The house was a wreck, crumbs on the table and counters, dog hair on the floor, dishes in the sink, and unmade beds.  The sofa smelled like pee from our weekend attempts at potty training and the washing machine was churning out the fourth load of soiled underwear in as many days.  I’m on day 11 of a gluten free, dairy free, vegetarian diet and I’m tired as hell and hungry for biscuits smothered with gooey cheese.  I’m on medication that prohibits me from drinking so I sat there sipping my water and wondering what would happen if I just hurled the glass across the room and let it shatter against the wall.

I wanted to break something.

All I could think as I looked around my house and my life was “Seriously? THIS is my life?”

I had big dreams.  I was a young co-ed once who imagined a future in politics, a life of travel, a best-selling novel.  I believed in bigger and better things, strewn out before me like berries ripe for the picking.  I believed that I would be something more, something better, something… amazing.  And yesterday as I looked around at my soiled house from my seat on the soiled sofa, all I could see was mediocrity: scattered smothered and covered like a double order of greasy hash browns.

I wanted more for myself than this.

I wanted more than bills I can’t pay, a job that haunts and taunts me from every angle, and a house I can’t keep clean.  I expected more than get up, go to work, come home, fall asleep.  I believed in the American Dream of greatness, the idea that I could be something special… something epic.  I believed that it was always just around the corner, waiting for me to find the right balance, strike the right chord, pen the right missive that would have me hurtling full speed into the life I deserved, the life I knew was waiting.

And last night, I realized that this is my life.

This.

This mundane monotony of paying the bills with a paycheck that never stretches far enough.

This rote repetition of answering phones and emails and letters at a job I still wonder if I’m even cut out for.

This endless cycle of housework that is never enough and never finished.

Last night, I wanted to give it all up, wanted to spend the next few days or weeks or potentially even months curled up in bed with the covers up to my chin, wondering why and how and when it all went wrong.  And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a little of that morose mentality followed me into today.  But I did what we all do… I got up and showered and put on my work clothes.  I readied myself and my child for another day of disappointments and failures and hoped, as I always do, that somehow they wouldn’t overshadow the successes.

I worked a long day yesterday; and I’ll do it all again today.  Because that’s what it means, I suppose, to actually be an adult.

Comments

22 Responses to “Discontent Lives Here”

  1. aim
    August 15th, 2012 @ 9:36 am

    That my dear sister? That is called detox. No alcohol, no gluten, no dairy, etc? Dairy has opiates, and we all know that wine makes everything hazily better. You’ll feel better in a couple of days…chin up! I write you from the land of dog hair, chicken shit, strewn toys, and dirty dishes…xoxoxo!!!

  2. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 9:49 am

    LOL! You’re probably right. I was so pissed about not being able to have a glass of wine last night!!

  3. Tiffany @MomNom
    August 15th, 2012 @ 9:42 am

    Don’t lose sight of what you’re really doing, dear. You’re raising a man. In those days that seem mundane and boring and ordinary, YOU are doing something extroidinary. You are a mom. You are shaping his life, his future, his dreams. And, these moments are fleeting…so soak them up (with the sheets) and know that you will NEVER have the chance to potty train that boy again. This is it. This is IMPORTANT work. God has given you the most important job of all, to love that boy like it’s your only job. And, you’re ROCKING at it.

  4. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 9:49 am

    Thanks, lady. There are just days when it seems like I’m just… barely surviving.

    I hate those days.

  5. Q's Mom
    August 15th, 2012 @ 10:39 am

    I hear you – know that you’re not alone! Sometimes I find myself wondering the same things…why can’t I ever just sit down & relax, why (in my case) I’m not using my degree, etc etc. And this, after having come off a completely unexpected illness (initially misdiagnosed by 5 doctors, no less) that forced me to use up ALL my carefully saved-up-all-the-way-from-when-I-was-back-from-maternity-leave personal time, and which made me send my precious 20-month-old to stay with his father and grandmother (since they initially thought I was contagious) for weeks…I tell you, it’s been a ROUGH month! And I haven’t even gotten to the headache of potty training yet (so your stories are scaring this slightly OCD mom, LOL)! BUT you’re right…we all just have to soldier on, don’t we, ‘cuz who the heck else is going to carry our households? It’s hard not to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, but…YES. I try to keep my eyes on the prize, as it were – raising a truly special & fantastic little boy! Hope the end of your week gets better!

  6. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 12:12 pm

    I hope YOUR month picks up. Geez. Now I feel bad for complaining…. 😉

  7. Stephanie Fueger
    August 15th, 2012 @ 10:50 am

    I’ve been there. I was there last week. This week, I got a fabulous order from a judge, made a couple frozen meals ahead of time so our evenings were more orderly and I’m on top of the world. This too shall pass. As I always say – don’t judge your life on your worst day – judge it on your best day. Thinking of you.

  8. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 12:12 pm

    Truth. And I know that it will get better. I’m just so freaking pissed off these days.

  9. Tara Esquivel
    August 15th, 2012 @ 11:02 am

    It gets better, I promise.The days anyways, no promises on a diet without wine 🙂

  10. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 12:12 pm

    LOL

    I know… it’s the lack of wine that kills. 😉

  11. michellestibbs
    August 15th, 2012 @ 11:19 am

    http://momastery.com/blog/2011/06/05/eat-drink-and-be-mary/ read this. then read the blog she wrote yesterday morning.

  12. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 12:11 pm

    She makes me feel bad for being so harried. She’s so… calm.

  13. Michelle Stibbs
    August 15th, 2012 @ 2:33 pm

    don’t feel bad, I often feel the same way. she always makes me feel more calm. see the beauty when I only see the pee. haha.

  14. Lola M.
    August 15th, 2012 @ 11:54 am

    I just want you to know, that I was also pushed around by my son’s preschool about his potty training. What I can say is this: Don’t ever let any one person or organization tell you when you need to potty train your child or how to do it. It’s obvious he is not ready and it’s not going to help things. Boys are notoriously harder to train than girls and they need a lot of extra patience and it needs to be done in steps – at their pace. I’ve been sitting on this a couple of days while you two torture yourselves and I had to say something. Please, he’ll get over having his friends move forward without him — he’ll get new ones immediately. He, however, will not do as well if he is pushed to “perform.” And you may very well lose your mind and doubt your ability as a parent. Please, for both your sakes – slow down! Let him tell you when he’s ready … just make it available and ask him if he’d like to sit and be sure to bribe him (yes, I did just say that). Tell the teacher to lay off, you’ll raise your son in your own way.

    Second, when you want to throw something – do it! Having a boy, I know that they love to throw things and punch things. How about if you get something to throw with him? Keep it especially for when you’re feeling like tearing the world apart. Then pull it out and let J know it’s time to rumble. Then have at it! I did that with mine and boy was it great! He thought I rocked and I got to just let loose. Also, we crazy danced to hard rock or something similar and all that – while tired, it just really gets rid of the angst and you end up laughing your head off with your kid … who, once again, thinks you’re amazing.

    Just some thoughts…. and yes, I agree, sometime it just totally sucks being a responsible adult. 🙁

  15. Lola M.
    August 15th, 2012 @ 11:59 am

    … and I am so deeply opinionated … sorry!

  16. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 12:11 pm

    🙂 Don’t worry, I gave up on potty training. It’s now a giant battle to put pull ups on him when he comes home, though. He wants to wear his big boy underwear, but he doesn’t know when he has to pee. It’s just a huge disaster right now.

    Also, I love the throwing things idea. We have a large wall at the carport… perhaps we can splatter paint a la Princess Diaries with balloons and darts…

  17. Jack's Mom
    August 15th, 2012 @ 12:31 pm

    I’ve never commented, but I’ve been reading your blog for close to 2 years now. You’re a fantastic mom. I say this, because I read your posts and see a bit of myself in you and I KNOW I’m a fantastic mom (most days…)

    I am a stay at home pregnant mom that struggles with keeping toys picked up, the counters and bathrooms spotless, and with cats I would have to vacuum 18 times a day to ensure my floors are fur free. I’ve decided that in the long run my son isn’t going to remember our messy house. He isn’t going to remember whether or not my floor has pee stains (because we’re doing a hybrid naked/lazy potty training-as to peeing outside with the dogs, go for it. I’ve heard it works wonders and wish we had a private yard) or how much cat hair he has stuck to his toes.

    He’s going to remember snuggling up on the couch when we don’t feel well and watching movies. He’s going to remember that everyday I played with him and made him food and cut his sandwich the right way, in triangles, not squares. He’s going to remember how many kisses I smothered him with. I want him to remember these things, so they are always at the forefront of our day.

    Yes, I snap. I grumble about how close the toilet is when he pees on the floor. I grumble about reading the same book 17 times in a row because it’s driving me nuts. Or watching the same Little Einsteins episode because it’s on demand and it’s all he’ll watch. I feel guilty, because I am the primary caregiver and it’s my job to do this. But seriously? I do it every morning again without much complaint because he’s worth it. Moms who claim they don’t are lying. We all want to crawl under a rock and escape some days. It’s normal. So long as we don’t actually leave, though, we’re doing it right.

    Wow that was sappy. I blame the hormones 🙂

    Keep it up. You’re doing what you feel is best for your son. It might not always be the absolute best, but that’s life. No one can always give 110% to everything they do. And that’s okay.

  18. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 1:51 pm

    You’re absolutely right. I am being whiny and need to slap myself silly for it. 🙂

  19. smithe024@aol.com
    August 15th, 2012 @ 1:14 pm

    I feel you on this! With two year old twins, a 5 day a week job I do in 4, and a hardly helpful husband a lot days I feel like I’m only surviving. Like I’m just pushing through to get to the next day. I wish that more often I could take a step back and be in the moment and enjoy where I am and what I have. Although you’d find it hard to believe – I often find that when I read your blog. I remember a certain magical spider web post that gave me a lot of positivity. Hang in there!

  20. Law Momma
    August 15th, 2012 @ 1:51 pm

    Maybe I need to go back and re-read that post, myself. 🙂

  21. jana
    August 15th, 2012 @ 8:13 pm

    I’m so overwhelmed and it’s only been 3 full days of work for me. I’m scared. It’s funny you wrote this because you have it together more than you think. I was thinking how I needed to call YOU and see how you do it all 🙂 xoxo

  22. Kate Sluiter
    August 16th, 2012 @ 11:14 pm

    Hey…I know I am a few days late on this post, but I want to tell you you’re not alone. Really. We may have different lives, but girl, I have been there.

    Someone (Ok, my husband) once said to me when I was in a pit of feeling horribly mundane, “You are so much more than you think you are.” And he was (annoyingly) right.

    When you are feeling the lowest, there is still something that you are having an effect on. And I would guess it’s J. He sees you as extraordinary every damn day.

    So there. Boom.

    Also? Love, babe. Lots of it.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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