Posted on | August 20, 2012 | 17 Comments
Three years ago, I was a very pregnant, semi-married woman, living and working at a different firm right here in Macon. Every time I climbed the spiral staircase up to my office, the HR manager and the billing rep came out and held their breath; the senior partner requested on numerous occasions that I please use the elevator because I was making everyone nervous.
I was deliriously happy with being pregnant, even when it sucked.
Now I sit, three years older, three years wiser, and a year into being a single parent and really, so much and not that much has changed. I am living and working back in Macon. No one minds when I take the stairs anymore, but I am still deliriously happy with being a parent, even when it sucks.
And as the third birthday of my sweet and tiring child draws ever nearer, I have a very public thank you to issue.
I spend a lot of time worrying about being enough for J in light of the divorce. I spent a lot of words on how horrific divorce is and how rough the mending of a heart can be. I spent too much energy feeling guilty, feeling broken, and feeling deserted by the person who swore to love me forever… And I don’t know that I’ve spent nearly enough time just saying “Thank you.”
So to my ex-husband, I say this: Thank you.
Thank you for creating this beautiful child with me. Thank you for knowing that I am what he needs on a full time basis and thank you for not fighting me on that. Thank you for giving me the house to raise him in, the confidence to raise him alone, and the trust to raise him well. Thank you for knowing, long before I did, that our marriage was over and for forcing my hand in ending it, and thank you, thank you, thank you for the amazing, sweet-natured, curly-haired little boy who flat out completes my world.
I could waste a lot more time being angry over what I lost, broken over my lot in life, scarred by the single life stretching out before me. I could sit and gripe and sob and moan over lost dates, lost money, and lost time. I could be devastated and destroyed, angry and bitter, sour and saddened by all that has happened over the past few years.
But oh how much joy would I miss? How many smiles and laughs, how many “tickle me again, Momma” and “lets look at the stars tonight” would lay unheard by the wayside? How many tiny pounds and stretching inches will pass away in the time I spend worrying and fretting over something long gone? I don’t want to miss an inch; not a curl, not a smile, not one single loose tooth. I don’t want to miss these sweet moments of childhood because I’m too busy watering and tending to a garden of disappointment.
So instead of sour, I offer sweetness; instead of condemnation, I offer absolution. You did what you could; you did all you were able. And when you signed the papers that gave me primary custody of our son, you did the best you could do for our child and for me. You did something great and wonderful and I am forever grateful for that. And three days from now, when we celebrate the day that brought him into our world… we will celebrate apart but together.
Because he is ours.
And for that, for him, I thank you.