News from the Trenches

Posted on | September 16, 2012 | 7 Comments

Now that I’m full on “in the trenches” of toddler hood, there are some pieces of wisdom/truths of life with a tiny dictator that I feel I must pass along to those who come behind me.  Sort of like a manual, only less instructional and more “Dude, I’ve been there and it’s really NOT just you.” Because toddlers.  You know what I mean.

The first rule of parenting a toddler is that you ALWAYS talk about parenting a toddler.  This aint no Fight Club and she who holds her tongue when another parent says “I’m sorry. He doesn’t normally act like this” in the face of another child’s tantrum gets a special place in hell.  Because you know full well, mama perfect, that your child does that crap, too.  So go ahead and spill the beans about your toddler’s worst moments… it’s going to make everyone feel better, possibly even you.

And in light of rule one, let me just go ahead and outline what you have to look forward to in this glorious stage… one that I honestly love as much as I loathe.

1. No matter how many seats there are in your house, your toddler will want the one YOU are sitting in.

(a) If you do not give up the seat to the toddler, be prepared for said toddler to sit as close to you as humanly possible and to transport their special blend of heat and closeness until you want to scream.

2. Just because they like something today doesn’t mean you won’t have to chase them around the house to get them to taste it, try it, or do it tomorrow.

(a) Reminding said toddler that they enjoyed this same thing the day before will result in ear piercing screams of “NO! I did NOT”

(b) Reminding toddlers of anything should be done at your own risk.  In fact, it should probably just not be done without sufficient quantities of your favorite vice.

3. Whatever you are most embarrassed about in your parenting progress thus far will be aired to the check out girl at the grocery store.  And the bagger.  And the random homeless man hanging around the parking lot.  (See: J telling everyone “Girl, look at that body. I work out.” and “I listen to that song every day with my mommy. I’m Sexy and I Know it.” or “My mommy says I can’t touch her booty any more or I have to shower by myself.”)

4. When you have reached the end of your patience and are contemplating Sylvia Plathing the hell out of yourself, be prepared for the absolute sweetest statement ever to come out of your child’s mouth.

(a) Do not expect said sweetness to last longer than necessary to keep you out of the oven.

(b) Expect sweetness to be followed by a request for a snack or treat of some kind.  Probably cheese.

(c) If sweetness results in the requested cheese, expect the same statement to be repeated at every possible opportunity until it stops being sweet and starts to sound exactly like “Give me some cheese, beeyotch”

5. Every time a well meaning person says “Enjoy every minute” or “don’t blink” or the lovely “you’ll miss this when it’s gone” be prepared to want to simultaneously punch them in the face and also sob your eyes out.   Because this is the stage of extremes… extreme sweetness followed by extreme hatefulness.  Extreme love followed by extreme anger.  Toddlers are like the Tasmanian Devil… one twirl away from epic destruction… even when sleeping

Every time I think I have mine all figured out, he flips and turns and mutates into something totally different.  And as much as he drives me to drink, drives me to scream, and drives me to the edge of insanity… I wouldn’t trade any of it.

Except maybe the seat sharing.

Comments

7 Responses to “News from the Trenches”

  1. MaconMom
    September 17th, 2012 @ 8:35 am

    Laughing so hard, yes, at work. Hilarious and so stinking true. Hahahaha

  2. kristinayellow
    September 17th, 2012 @ 6:28 pm

    Love this–so true! I so wish people would be honest instead of just throwing dirty looks when my kid is having a meltdown or asking an uncomfortable question or whatever. Please–give a look of understanding and a smile or something so that I know I’m not the worst momma ever!
    Oh–and my preschooler still wants my seat (or better yet, my lap) whenever possible, esp at meals. And whatever is on my plate–even if it’s the exact same thing on hers–is much tastier and must be taken. Not shared–taken.

  3. KeAnne
    September 18th, 2012 @ 9:43 am

    Every word you wrote is true! And yes, when my child appears to be the only one acting like a feral child, it would be such a huge relief to have another parent commiserate so I wouldn’t feel like something is wrong with my child and my parenting.

  4. Julie S.
    September 19th, 2012 @ 4:03 pm

    I could not agree MORE with every single word of this. The whole seat thing? YES. The Tasmanian Devil thing? YES! Dead on.

  5. Kassie Rew
    September 19th, 2012 @ 4:29 pm

    Okay, so really my toddler isn’t even two yet, but I get this…and I’m probably going to get it even more once he does turn two!

  6. Jo
    September 20th, 2012 @ 4:31 pm

    I’m crying I’m laughing so hard.
    Really re-thinking my exact same shower statement the other day, now terrified that he’s going to share it with the world.

  7. Jaime
    October 11th, 2012 @ 2:52 pm

    Hahahaha, give me some cheese, beeyotch! I just spit water through my nose.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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