Thursdays Don’t Mean Much Anymore

Posted on | September 27, 2012 | 14 Comments

It’s been one of those weeks when every day I’ve thought to myself “TODAY is Thursday, right?”

Only it wasn’t.   At least not until today.

I don’t really know why I was so anxious for Thursday other than that it’s always not-so-secretly been my favorite day of the week, ever since college when Thursdays meant raucous Late Nights at the Chi Psi lodge in Chapel Hill or 80s parties at Chi Phi or Sig Ep.  Man… those were Thursdays… loud dance parties on the P2P or greasy food from Hectors or Time Out Chicken. But now, Thursdays really don’t mean much more than another day of the weekly monotony… get up, get J ready for school, drop him off at school, go to work, watch the clock until it’s acceptable to have lunch, and then wait out the afternoon with a seemingly never-ending parade of calls, meetings, and overwhelming paperwork. Now Thursday is here, and I can’t remember anything at all that makes today different from yesterday or tomorrow.

Lately, I’ve been growing increasingly tired of my day to day living.

Lately, I’ve been doing some serious longing for my youth.

I’ve been staying up until midnight with a glass of wine, feet tucked under me on the sofa and watching cheesy television shows and movies that make me cry until I’m sucking air in and around the snot running down my face.  I’ve been listening to music from my college days, reminiscing about my years in Orlando, thinking about how things would be different if I were either still married or maybe if J had a father who lived closer and could be more active in his week to week life.

It’s been the hardest adjustment to single life for me.  It’s been the one thing that makes me resentful of J’s father and his freedom.  Because other than me, trying to remind myself, I don’t have anyone in my life who just sees me as a woman… not as J’s mom, or a boss, or an attorney.  I have no one who sees me as beautiful, no one who tells me I’m desirable for anything other than wiping an ass or signing a pleading.   I don’t really have anyone to remind me to take my hair down, change out of my work clothes, and just be the me I’ve been since 1997 when I stopped trying to be someone else.   I miss being me.  I miss the moments, though they were few and far between, when my marriage reminded me that I’m more than the sum of my parts, the collections of my titles. To J, I’m just his mom.  And though I love, love, love being his mom… there are times when I need to be something else.  Times when I need to be someone else. And I don’t have the freedom of finding that time.  I’m a full-time attorney.  I’m a full-time single mom.  I’m a full time home owner to a fully in need of cleaning house.

I’m not dating.

I’m not going out with friends.

I’m not dancing anymore. At least not with anyone other than J.

And while I wouldn’t trade my current roles for anything in the world, I so miss feeling like a woman. I miss feeling like I’m here for more than cleaning a sink, for more than calling a client, for more than comedic interludes.

I miss feeling like I have something to offer a man… something other than a smart ass remark, advice on childcare,  or help with a traffic ticket.

I miss feeling like a woman.

And I hate that being a divorced, single mom has taken that from me.

Comments

14 Responses to “Thursdays Don’t Mean Much Anymore”

  1. Emma @ Your Doctor's Wife
    September 27th, 2012 @ 11:31 am

    I so know how you feel. I went through a divorce, and felt much of the same. It takes awhile to get out of the funk and find your own, new groove, but I assure you… you will. I found a wonderful, new group of supportive friends during that time. I did not date for a year and it was the best year ever! I was able to find the REAL me. We moms tend to bury ourselves and we forget to pay attention to ourselves. It was great and it made me a stronger more confident person. I wish you the same.

  2. Law Momma
    September 27th, 2012 @ 12:57 pm

    I am just tired of waiting… I know that sounds silly. But it’s been a year and a half. I’m tired of putting me on hold for everything else. ESPECIALLY when there are two parents and the other isn’t putting anything on hold for anyone.

  3. Michelle
    September 27th, 2012 @ 1:42 pm

    Well….. then stop putting yourself on hold. The theme I’ve been feeling from many of your recent posts have a tone of waiting for someone else (usually a man) to fix you. To make you feel better about yourself again. I would recommend that you figure out how to be happy with yourself because …. you are happy with yourself and who you are. Not because of what other people (a man) think of you. To use a ridiculously corny phrase “happiness comes from within” – if you keep waiting for someone else to save you, I think you are going to be waiting a long, long time. Which is a shame.

  4. Law Momma
    September 27th, 2012 @ 1:46 pm

    This made me laugh a little. Okay a lot. I don’t think I’m waiting on anyone to “fix” me in any way. I am really just wishing I could make time to have a little fun every now and again… I’m certainly very happy with who I am. But everyone could use a little fun.

  5. Michelle
    September 28th, 2012 @ 12:15 pm

    That’s good to hear. As I said, that was just the “vibe” I’ve been getting while reading lately….

  6. Roxanne Piskel
    September 27th, 2012 @ 12:21 pm

    It’s as if you are in my head.

  7. Law Momma
    September 27th, 2012 @ 12:55 pm

    I am……… 😉

  8. Q's Mom
    September 27th, 2012 @ 12:25 pm

    Boy, are you singing my song today! Although truthfully, I’m not post-split-up long enough yet to miss “dating” – I really don’t miss that, not yet – but I DO miss the fact that I don’t really see my friends anymore. Everyone is always SO busy, & it just seems like we never all find time for each other anymore. And the going-out-w/o-having-to-get-a-babysitter thing? OH YEAH! So, it indeed feels like a very routinized, humdrum, lonely life I lead most times – even though I adore my son, I do worry sometimes that I’m going to turn into one of those single moms who lives utterly through her child, & therefore wrecks his (& my) life! But I keep hoping I’m “aware” enough of that very worry, that hopefully I can keep it from coming to pass….Ugh.

  9. Law Momma
    September 27th, 2012 @ 12:55 pm

    I don’t really miss dating. I miss flirting.

  10. Cindy W
    September 27th, 2012 @ 2:15 pm

    I don’t know if it helps to tell you that I so get this, but I really do.

  11. Law Momma
    September 27th, 2012 @ 2:37 pm

    It always helps to not be alone. Always. 🙂

  12. kristinayellow
    September 27th, 2012 @ 8:13 pm

    You’re just in a down kind of time–sometimes I think it relates to the seasons. Fall always make me miss college–being free, having the opportunity to have different people see me as a person as opposed to the mom/wife/teacher I am now.
    But.
    You are so much more than this low. You may not be currently dating BUT you have had dates. Dates that made you excited. Dates with guys who thought you were awesome and couldn’t stop talking with you.
    Remember that. Reread any emails you may have exchanged and hold tight.
    This down time will pass and you’ll feel more yourself. In the meantime, what’s that song? Smile though your heart is aching? Do it enough and you’ll find it easier and easier and then one day, you won’t even be thinking about it.
    You are awesome. And I bet that there is some shy guy, probably one you’ve never spoken to or barely spoken to, who is definitely thinking of you as a beautiful, amazing lady. 🙂

  13. Andrea Tajak
    September 27th, 2012 @ 8:27 pm

    “It’s just another manic monday…” is running through my head as I comment. Im a single parent Tuesday through Saturday. Today I got to rush from work to pick up my stepson from school and came home to 12 piles of great dane dog vomit (yes, I counted). Husband was home of course. Slept til 1pm after working 11hours on midnights. Think he could lift a finger? NOPE. I don’t get downtime after work, I get to clean up dog vomit, and make dinner for an 8 yr old and do homework and read, and study spelling words and make sure he bathes and put him to bed. Husband gets up at 1pm. Sits on his butt for 3 hours and goes to work. Things that make you go hmmm…

  14. Jo
    September 28th, 2012 @ 2:27 am

    You & I have exactly the same time-lines, if I haven’t already pointed that out 1000 times already. Same aged kiddo; same time period since being He Left. And today was a typical… man, why do I blog when You write the same damned thing I was going to write, and you wrote it better! 🙂 (and I mean that in the BEST possible way). And definitely to say… I’m right there with you.

    Maybe we should both take a sabbatical and go play in Chapel Hill for a while, infringe on family, bring the boys to play, and then we can be single together… and find a new version of our single selves. Something to take home, once we’ve found it. Or, you could move to Oregon. Ooh! Do that! 🙂

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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