Posted on | October 23, 2012 | 17 Comments
It feels like it’s been ages since I sat down and stared at the black and gray world of WordPress and my little slice of the Internet… even though it’s only been about a week. Funny that seven days can feel like an eternity… guess that’s how the whole creation story makes the most sense?
Things have been good in my corner of the boxing ring… I’ve started running three or four times a week and I gotta tell you… it’s so freaking therapeutic. There’s nothing in the world like grabbing my keys mid-day and going to the gym to pound out footsteps on a treadmill while Petey Pablo reminds me that I’m doing it for North Carolina. (Come on and raise up!) It’s become my therapy, my outlet for the crazy that lives in my head. And it has ultimately reminded me that I’m shirking a lot of my other outlets, a lot of my other responsibilities, a lot of my other jobs that I juggle not-so-gracefully. I stepped away from this place because it was becoming too much for me; I couldn’t separate myself from the comments, mean or kind, there or not there. I couldn’t separate myself from the constant refreshing of a feed to see if anyone was reading, to see if anyone cared.
And my work was slipping.
And my life was slipping.
The thing is, I write here because I love to write. I assume that people read what I write because they either know me, like what I have to say, or keep thinking that one day I’m going to go the full on crazy that some posts seem to promise is just around the next corner of my life. I want to continue to write here because I love to write, not because I am trying to get a book deal, or land advertisers, or review the next great book/product/something. Not that there’s anything at all wrong with bloggers who do those things. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with following your dreams.
But there is something so very wrong with following your dreams to the detriment of your reality. And by putting all of my time and energy into this space, I was running out of things to give to the rest of my life.
Here’s the real scoop: I’m an attorney. I’m a single mom. I live in a three bedroom two bath house with a yard that I mow and tend myself. I do not have a housekeeper. Or a cook. Or a butler. I have a three year old child who demands most if not all of my attention. My closest family lives over an hour away and my parents live approximately six hours north by car. I am the only attorney who specializes in my field in our entire office and I’m responsible for a case load of approximately 200 cases with assistance from a kick ass team of people who make me look good on the reg. I cook once or twice a week. I schedule weekend playdates with friends and their kids. I run three or four times a week. I read novels. I have a DVR that is full to the brim with television shows I may never watch. And yeah, I blog.
The real scoop is, I just don’t have time for all of the things that I do.
But look at that list and tell me what I can give up. Pull three things off the list that won’t leave me a slave to everyone but myself.
It can’t be done.
Ultimately, I was getting to the point where I resented my decision to write here, resented the success of people who rightfully achieve it in this internet world, resented the lack of comments, the lack of readers. I was one big ball of resentment toward something I used to love. Because it had become another job, and because, let’s face it, the last thing I need is another ball to juggle.
So let’s be clear on what’s going to happen from here on out… for both of our sakes… I’m going to write when I want to write. I’m going to stop pressuring myself to say something important or meaningful or epic. I’m going to write when I have the time to write. I’m giving up on being a “blogger” and just doing what I do best… writing. I’m just going to write… for me.
And I hope you’ll still come around to read… for you.