Surviving Divorce: Part Three

Posted on | November 6, 2012 | 6 Comments

For me, one of the hardest things about losing my marriage, was the loss of my safety net.  It was as though divorce simultaneously pushed me off the tightrope and pulled free the net below me, leaving me in a free fall from which there was no escape.  I kept thinking someone would swoop in and save me; kept hoping that my ex would realize what he’d done, what he’d lost… and catch me before I hit the ground.

But he never came.

Neither did the ground.

I just found myself constantly falling, constantly wondering what, if anything, could be done to stop my fall.  I was waiting for someone to rescue me, someone to throw me a line, lend me a rope, or toss the trapeze my way.  And when no one did, my fall just kept going, circling downward until I felt like there was no one who cared enough about my descent to break my fall.

Listen to me carefully: don’t be like me.

Don’t let yourself spiral down, waiting to be rescued.  Because the ground is never coming up to meet you, and your ex is never coming down to get you.  You can lose years of your life just in the falling, just in the waiting… just in the bottomless pit of emptiness.  You can, and will, lose sight of everything except the darkness around you if you don’t listen to what I’m about to tell you:

Channel your inner Spiderman and shoot your own damn line.

Seriously.

No one is going to save you this time.  No one is going to swoop in and be the knight in shining armor you thought your spouse to be.  No one is going to do what it is you need them to do because… in all honesty… no one can.  If your spouse were that person, they wouldn’t have left you here in the first place and your friends and family? They’re not ignoring you. It’s not that they don’t want to save you from this.  It’s not because they don’t care, don’t love you, don’t wish they could hurl themselves in after you… it’s because they can’t.   You’re stuck in the rabbit hole, Alice, and the door locked behind you.  The only way to get through this is to just. get. through. it.

If you can’t find the strength to build your own rope then find the strength to stretch out your arms… let the wind from the fall rustle beneath you… stop thinking of this as a descent into hell and think of it as a chance to examine yourself and what you want from your life.  You have all the time in the world; the ground is never coming.  This is just your life, just stretching out around you.  Trust me… there is no rock bottom.  And though it feels like you’re falling, though it feels as though you’re alone and scared and never getting out… take a moment to open your eyes and look around.

And believe me…you’re not as alone as you thought.

The people around you WANT to help you… they just don’t know how.  This is your time to find your voice, find your strength, find your self again.  Reach deep down into the depths of your soul and scream out whatever it is you need.

You need sex? Fine. Scream about it.

You need more money? Don’t we all.

You need a vacation? Me too, and I’m not above yelling that out at random intervals.

You need more support, more encouragement, more love? Seek that shit out.

Because I promise you it’s out there.  It’s waiting for you to decide what you need.

Your life is always and only waiting on you.

It’s never been about HIM or HER. It’s always and only been about you… or it should be. It’s YOUR life, after all.

So turn the fall into a glide.  Take it one breath at a time.

Eventually, you’ll realize you were never really falling in the first place.  Eventually you’ll realize that you never even needed that stupid safety net… because you have wings you never even noticed.

And they’re going to get you through this, once you learn how to use them.

But until then? Scream.  Lots. And tell people what you need… even if it sounds silly.

Comments

6 Responses to “Surviving Divorce: Part Three”

  1. Q's Mom
    November 6th, 2012 @ 10:42 am

    One thing it also does, for good or ill, is weed out the “friends” in your life who, it turns out, are really only fair-weather friends. Yes, the ones who stick around may not, as you rightfully mention, know what to “do” for you – but that matters is, they’ll at least BE THERE for you. The others…well, they’ll make themselves abundantly clear, one way or another, & usually sooner than later. I found I “lost” a lot of friends during the process, and that often hurt worse than the loss of my relationship, because those were the people I didn’t count on to ever betray me, and I was heartbroken when they weren’t there for me. But – almost a year on – I’m learning that they truly weren’t the right people to be in my life anyway, & even though it’s tougher (maybe) to make “new” friends in “middle age” (I hate thinking of myself in that category, esp when I have a 2-yo…?)…I feel that at least these new people I’m meeting are there for the right reasons, with no hidden agenda or “judginess”. And them, combined w/my old friends who HAVE been real friends to me throughout…THAT’S been a great combo! But you really have to hang in there, AND put yourself out there once again, as hard as it is to be vulnerable again…

  2. Law Momma
    November 6th, 2012 @ 10:59 am

    It’s so true. Some people just don’t know how to deal with broken so they run. It’s unfortunate, but it does show you who you can really count on to be there for you!

  3. CDG
    November 6th, 2012 @ 2:19 pm

    thank you for this blog, I needed to read this today
    C

  4. Law Momma
    November 7th, 2012 @ 10:18 am

    xoxo

  5. Charlotte Anne
    November 6th, 2012 @ 8:18 pm

    This whole series is helping me tremendously.

  6. Law Momma
    November 7th, 2012 @ 10:17 am

    I’m so glad. 🙂

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