The Scar Remains

Posted on | June 3, 2013 | 9 Comments

When you’ve been wounded, it takes awhile for the pain to subside.  And even when the pain is gone, a scar remains… a thin reminder of the hell you survived, a jagged line of what once was and what will be.  It never goes away, though it might fade a little with the passing of time, becoming a soft, raised mountain of memories that only you can see.

Divorce left me wounded in ways I didn’t realize.

The pain is long gone.  The pain I once felt at just the word “divorce” is now the barest memory in the back of my mind.  I can talk to my ex-husband almost as the friend he once was.  We are Facebook friends now and we carry on civil conversations about everything from visitation to music we like.  The pain of divorce is gone.

But in it’s place is a criss-crossed scar across the whole of me.

I find I am hesitant and tentative to trust my heart with anyone.  I find that at the barest hint of something more, I am the first one out the door and half way to the other side of some proverbial mountain. I find that when a guy tells me he likes me, he’s interested in me, or even just that I’m pretty, my first instinct is to horror-movie-scream and Scooby Doo run (you know, where it makes the sound and smoke flies out but you don’t actually go anywhere? That.)

I am not willing to compromise. I am not willing to forget. I am not willing to rush head-long and carefree into anything with anyone.  The raised, bumpy line across my heart reminds me that people change, that people wound and break and devastate. It whispers in my ear that the people you love, the people you think will never hurt you, do the most damage. The white, stretched, patchwork of my soul reminds me that I was once broken, I was once battered and abused and left for dead… and though I am whole and moving and oh-so-alive, I am still but a patchwork soul. I am not the girl I once was. I will never be that girl again. And now, I carry the burden of not just myself, but the sweet and tender soul of my little boy, who depends on me to make the right choices for him, the best decisions… for him.  It is a heavy burden to tote around on first or second dates.  And when I look around at the landscape of my life, at the things that spin and twirl and tick together to form the clockwork of everyday, I wonder if it’s a burden I will ever share with anyone again.

Because the pain of divorce is gone.

But oh how the scar remains.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments

comments

Powered by Facebook Comments

Comments

  • Paula

    i was just feeling my “scar” the other day, the one that my ex gave me… this was my status that day. “a
    clean slate doesn’t mean you deny what happened in the past. i means
    you care enough to move on. the scars that were created may be healed
    but there is always proof that they happened. and you certainly can’t
    learn a lesson and grow from past mistakes if you pretend they don’t
    exist. no matter how far you try to run from it the past is what shapes
    your future and it should never be forgotten.” glad i’m not the only one who gets it. somehow he doesn’t….

    • Law Momma

      Yes. Everything you just said.

  • http://twitter.com/oh_Rick_Oh Rick O’Shaughnessy

    strong at the broken places … sounds like all the easy healing is done. Time to decide if you want to heal the rest. Gentle Hugs

    • Law Momma

      Ah yes… the hard part. I’ve been waiting for that. Wait… ;)

  • Lola M.

    This was good. I am the same and often wonder if that scar will ever become pliable enough to allow someone in. I read somewhere (probably here) that when the right person comes along, they will just fit into your life. There won’t be the need to run away or to do a karate block if they wish to get to know you more. That’s how you’ll know it’s right. I am encouraged by this and hope it’s true.

    • Law Momma

      I’m trying to let myself take reasonable risks… not being foolhardy, but being willing to be a fool. If that makes sense? It’s so hard to trust again, though.

      • Lola M.

        Yes, fortunately it doesn’t mean we’re broken, just careful. :-)

  • Charlotte Anne

    I needed this today. Thank you!

  • http://www.mommysnest.com MommyLisa

    Wow. Very powerfully described. I can totally empathize.

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.



  • I'm a divorced, single mom to a pre-schooler, a full-time attorney, and a semi-reluctant vegetarian. I work hard and when given the chance, I play hard... but I'm almost never given the chance.

    It's possible that I never outgrew 7th grade mentality, as I still laugh when anyone says anything that can be remotely construed as sexual. Let's face it, if you're not down with "That's what s/he said" at the end of almost any sentence, we're probably not going to get along all that well.

    I drink more than I should, I run more than I should, and I laugh as much as I can. So I'm pretty much winning at life.

  • Twitter

  • Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

  •  



  • Grab my button for your blog!