Posted on | July 29, 2013 | 9 Comments
Over the weekend, my “friend” Banks (You may remember him from my failed attempt at sending a Money Tree…) and I went out to pick up Chinese food. We took J along, obviously, though he still refuses to eat Chinese food. The restaurant take out put three fortune cookies in the bag and when we got home, we each took one. Mine said I “looked happy and proud.” Banks’ said something about good things happening at work.
And J’s said “Don’t be afraid of a little competition.”
I laughed a lot when I read it to him because seriously, this is what we’re dealing with right now. It’s like J thinks I can only ever and always belong solely to him and anyone else needs to be stared angrily out of business. Don’t get me wrong, he loves Banks. They have a great time together and when Banks heads home after a visit, it almost never fails that J will say something like “I miss Banks” or “I’m sad because Banks left.”
All of that fun and enjoyment does not, however, translate into a happily sharing mommy with someone else sort of vibe. If Banks is here at night when J goes to bed, he often gets the death ray stare of “how dare you be here and keep my mother from coming to bed with me.” We’ve sort of nipped that in the bud by having me lay down with J until he falls asleep, but I can’t ALWAYS do that. And there are a lot of times when I just can’t be two places at once.
It’s hard to be someone’s mom and someone’s girlfriend at the same time.
Whenever Banks comes for the weekend, Monday drop offs are a little harder and I feel like J is subconsciously sad that I didn’t spend every waking moment with him. Though odds are, I’m just strapping another layer of “Mommy Guilt” onto my back and holding on for dear life. I get so worried that by introducing someone else into our little family, J will feel less valued even though I know that Banks thinks the world of BOTH of us and know that no one will ever replace J in my heart.
Dating as a single mom is way harder than dating at 19, y’all. There are so many new layers of fear and doubt and anxiety. And it’s not just for me… it’s for J and the life we have built from scratch, just the two of us. I get so worried… so terrified that if Banks goes away… if something happens and this all falls apart… how will J deal with the loss of another male figure in his life? How will I deal with the loss?
It’s a double edged sword, the falling that used to be so sweet and fun. It’s tainted now with loss and I’m trying so very hard to remember that it’s all okay… it’s all very okay. J will learn the difference in relationships. I will learn to trust. We will learn to share our lives outside of each other.
And all of that is very good. A little change can be a very good thing. These changes I’m feeling and seeing and having are very good, I think.
All of this, I think, is very, very good.