I Miss Him Already…

Posted on | September 30, 2013 | No Comments

Today at lunchtime, I take my child to see his grandparents.

This isn’t earth shattering, as he goes to see them at least once a month. But what IS earth shattering is the fact that he goes at lunch time today, and I won’t see him again until Sunday afternoon… almost six full days later. For some of you, you’ll laugh and think it’s no big deal. But for me? For me, this is the longest he’s ever been away. This is the longest I will go without seeing him sleeping in one bed or another since August 22, 2009, when he first barreled his way into my life.

To say that I am scared seems to be a vast understatement. I am horrified, mortified, terrified and completely unprepared for six days without my favorite person in the whole world. I keep running through scenarios in my head where he is hurt or sad or needs me and I can’t get to him. I keep vacillating between “Never mind. I’m keeping him” and “Take him quick before I change my mind!” Because I know that I need the break, need the time to recharge myself and recharge my ability to parent him without the frustration that is creeping in more and more. Yet I still can’t believe he’s going to be gone so long.

It’s possible that I love him, maybe just a little too much.

Is that a thing? Can you love a child TOO much?

Just this morning, I leaned down and whispered in his ear “Did you know that I love you?” and he rolled his four year old eyes and said “I KNOW that Mom. You tell me EVERY DAY.”

And part of me is glad it’s old hat to him… part of me wants him to roll his eyes and shrug and ignore because I want my love for him to be such a foregone conclusion that it holds no surprise for him, ever.  Part of me delights that I have somehow helped to create a child who is eager to go and see and be away from me, that he is secure in knowing that I will always be waiting for him to return. Part of me is happy he loves his grandparents and his friends and his father and that he is so eager to go and see them. But at the same time… he is leaving. For six days.

And my mother’s heart is somewhat broken by how excited he is to go.


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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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