Posted on | November 14, 2013 | 5 Comments
It’s hard to plan when you’re single parenting. It’s hard to say “On such and such date, I will be at this or that place at this or that time” because you really don’t know what is going to happen that day. Your kid could be sick and you have no sitter, you could be exhausted from yet another week of hellacious work, you could maybe meet someone and maybe want to go on a date that night. Being single feels a lot like your life is on hold but you don’t really know why or what you’re holding for.
Now, had you asked me when I was single, I would have denied this. I was happy. I was quite content with my life just as it was and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t making any real plans for my future. I didn’t realize that I was circling but never landing.
But now, I have plans. Not major, life shattering plans, but plans like going on trips that are already partially paid for. Plans like buying two tickets to a concert I really want to see and not wondering if I’ll have to go alone. Plans.
And I didn’t realize how much I missed that until I had it again. Even when I was married, we didn’t really make plans. We didn’t travel well together, didn’t like the same things, didn’t care to think about two or three or six months down the road. I honestly can’t remember buying any concert tickets that weren’t for concerts the following month. We just… didn’t plan too far down the road. I guess maybe we both knew that neither of us knew for sure we’d still be around that long. I think getting pregnant or maybe buying a house were the only things that we ever did that meant we might actually be together longer than a month.
But Banks? Banks is a planner. He doesn’t laugh at me when I suggest a trip to Disney in March, even though it’s only November. He doesn’t roll his eyes and say “We don’t know where we’ll be in March.” Instead, he seems to believe that we will still be right here, enjoying each other and making plans for four more months down the road. Instead of balking, he plans with me, asking what parks we’ll go to and where we’ll stay.
It’s nice to feel invested in for a change. It’s nice to feel that someone thinks I’m worth sticking around for… that WE are worth sticking around for. Banks has spent a crazy amount of money on J for Christmas and while part of me shakes my head and says “Seriously? Don’t worry about spending so much on him!” the other part of me swells and contracts and embraces the fact that this man wants to spend money on my child… on a child he loves without needing a blood tie. And I remember that I’m invested, 100%, up to my eyeballs in being right here through March and Disney, too. And further. And maybe, just maybe, even farther than that. Who knows where we’ll be this time next year, but if I had to guess… if I were pressed to guess… I’d say we’ll still be planning.