Posted on | March 31, 2014 | 10 Comments
I don’t think I realized just how scared I actually am until we got back from Disney and I realized then and there that my heart is fully and completely wrapped up in someone else. Someone outside of my little two person family of J and I. Someone who could leave and break me beyond anything I ever thought was broken before.
We had a wedding last night and we were both tired, Banks and I. When I’m tired, I’m a disaster… you should know that about me. And when we were leaving, we got into a conversation about us and where we are and where we’re headed and I felt my heart expand and constrict until tears poured down my cheeks and I admitted, maybe for the first time, maybe for the nine billionth… that I am scared.
I’m not scared he’ll leave, not really.
I’m not scared that he will break me… not really.
I’m scared that I am already broken. That I am somehow beyond repair as a woman. That I will always be standing alongside, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to come tumbling down on top of me.
I’m scared that I am in too deep, rolling beneath this tidal wave of emotion that makes me feel as though I am firmly grounded and free-falling all at the same time. I’m scared that my heart has wrapped too tightly around him, tethering me to him no matter what. No matter what. I am scared I am lost to him.
I didn’t know I could love like this. I didn’t know anyone could love like this.
I didn’t know it was possible for me to feel this way, to find myself so inexplicably and frighteningly twisted up in the happiness … the smile and nod and presence of someone else. Didn’t know that my whole world could be rocketed into this orbit, this surge of emotion and comfort and fear and love.
I am terrified I will lose him, that I will wake one morning to find him gone … disappeared into the thinning air around my head and heart.
I am terrified because I love him.
More than I ever realized I could love, more than I ever wanted or thought I needed to love.
And I am scared.