I am Scared.

Posted on | March 31, 2014 | 10 Comments

I’m scared.

I don’t think I realized just how scared I actually am until we got back from Disney and I realized then and there that my heart is fully and completely wrapped up in someone else. Someone outside of my little two person family of J and I. Someone who could leave and break me beyond anything I ever thought was broken before.

We had a wedding last night and we were both tired, Banks and I. When I’m tired, I’m a disaster… you should know that about me. And when we were leaving, we got into a conversation about us and where we are and where we’re headed and I felt my heart expand and constrict until tears poured down my cheeks and I admitted, maybe for the first time, maybe for the nine billionth… that I am scared.

I’m not scared he’ll leave, not really.

I’m not scared that he will break me… not really.

I’m scared that I am already broken. That I am somehow beyond repair as a woman. That I will always be standing alongside, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to come tumbling down on top of me.

I’m scared that I am in too deep, rolling beneath this tidal wave of emotion that makes me feel as though I am firmly grounded and free-falling all at the same time. I’m scared that my heart has wrapped too tightly around him, tethering me to him no matter what. No matter what. I am scared I am lost to him.

I didn’t know I could love like this. I didn’t know anyone could love like this.

I didn’t know it was possible for me to feel this way, to find myself so inexplicably and frighteningly twisted up in the happiness … the smile and nod and presence of someone else. Didn’t know that my whole world could be rocketed into this orbit, this surge of emotion and comfort and fear and love.

I am terrified I will lose him, that I will wake one morning to find him gone … disappeared into the thinning air around my head and heart.

I am terrified because I love him.

More than I ever realized I could love, more than I ever wanted or thought I needed to love.

And I am scared.

Comments

10 Responses to “I am Scared.”

  1. Robbie K
    March 31st, 2014 @ 10:35 am

    I got nuthin’ except ((hugs))

  2. Law Momma
    March 31st, 2014 @ 10:38 am

    I will take them! Especially since I’m still tired… which means still a disaster. 🙂

  3. cindyw
    March 31st, 2014 @ 10:40 am

    Yep yep yep. I have these “OMG this is real and I am terrified” crying breakdowns at least once a month. Totally get it. It’s scary as hell to feel so vulnerable.

  4. Law Momma
    March 31st, 2014 @ 11:07 am

    I know. I KNOW. Glad I’m not the only one.

  5. Kir
    March 31st, 2014 @ 10:49 am

    I have been reading your posts for weeks now (and not commenting..I’m so sorry) but as a reader and “blogger friend” I’ve watched you fall in love through your stories and words, and I’ve SMILED.
    Love is scary and awesome and terrifying and good. It’s all those things, whether you are 10 days, 10 months or 10 year +10 years +..in.
    I’m so happy for you, scared or not, no one deserves a love like this as much as you do. it’s okay to be scared..as long as you HANG ON TIGHT. 🙂

  6. Law Momma
    March 31st, 2014 @ 11:08 am

    XOXO

    I’m scared but also super happy. It’s a strange and bi-polar type of existence. 😉

  7. molly
    March 31st, 2014 @ 12:42 pm

    Love is TOTALLY scary. So it’s okay to feel that way. I remember when I first met my guy – the one who would become my husband – and I would have terrible nightmares that I would lose him. Heck, I still do! This is just your brain and your heart telling you that you care a whole lot about this guy (((Hugs)))

  8. Law Momma
    March 31st, 2014 @ 2:08 pm

    Yes!!! It’s awful! I will wake up totally terrified!

  9. NinjaPanza
    April 1st, 2014 @ 10:54 am

    Yes. It’s that feeling of needing someone else, so scary because if they’re just… gone? but you still need them? then what?

    I’m there after 10 years together… I’m still learning to trust that our relationship is mutual, equal. He needs me back and I focus on that trust… being there completely in my heart.

  10. Law Momma
    April 1st, 2014 @ 10:55 am

    I hear you. I’m not used to feeling needy… that’s exactly what I told him when I was being all wined-up and weepy!

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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