And he’s only five…

Posted on | August 13, 2014 | 1 Comment

I’ve been feeling sad lately… like there’s something hovering just outside my line of sight that I can’t put my finger on. Something haunting. Something overwhelming. Something that is too much to view all at once and so I find myself catching glimpses here and there of the all-consuming sadness of it.

Over the weekend, Banks and I talked about the sad, about my sad, and where it was coming from. I told him I didn’t know, couldn’t figure it out… and he smiled. Because it seems he knows me much better than I often know myself. I tried to tell him I had no idea what was going on with me, that I had no reason for the sad that weighed so heavy on me that each breath made me shudder with the sheer heaviness of breathing.

I tried to tell him I didn’t know why.

But he knew.

Because next week my baby turns five. And I am devastatingly happy about it. I am devastatingly devastated by it.

For the better part of two weeks, I’ve found myself looking at old videos and pictures and reminiscing about when he said “Minjan turtles” instead of “ninja turtles.” For the better part of two weeks, I’ve been knee deep in the sadness that comes with the realization that your last or only baby isn’t nearly as baby as you’d like to think.

I don’t know if there will be another child. I hope and pray there will be some day. I hope and pray that I will go through this sadness again, with another little boy or with a sweet-faced girl. I hope and pray… but I don’t know.  And this is just five. This is still small. This is only the beginning of the moments that will pass by in blinks and wide-eyed stares. This is only the start of the life that I will live as he grows and changes and learns.

I have been sad for several weeks and I didn’t realize why until Banks laid a tender smile across my heart. I have been sad, I am sad…  not because I do not want my son to grow up… but because I wonder what I will do, who I will care for, when he does.

hands

Comments

One Response to “And he’s only five…”

  1. Roxanne Piskel
    August 28th, 2014 @ 1:42 pm

    I have similar feelings when my son hits a milestone. Any milestone. Will I experience this again? Will I have another child and get to go through all of the first smile, first steps, first words again? Or is this it? I honestly don’t know. But that’s okay. And I’m glad you have Banks to help you with the sad. And, of course, J. Because they are also there for the happy.

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