I’m Not Quite a Baller

Posted on | August 26, 2014 | No Comments

A couple of months ago, another attorney in town sent me an email, asking if I’d participate in a charity flag football game to raise money for Alzheimer’s research. Of course I said yes, because how do you even say no to that? Plus, I’d played flag football in the past… in high school and even in college. I knew what I was doing. I would just put on my running clothes and run around while people throw me a ball on occasion, right?

Um… no. See also: Dear God what was I thinking.

First of all, I’m old now. The last time I played a team sport other than beer pong or corn hole, I was in my VERY early twenties. So even though I fancy myself to be in pretty decent shape, my shape tends more toward round than lean. Last night was the first practice I could attend. I got out there in my workout outfit, strapped my flags around my waist and thought “Yeah. I’ve got this.”  I can catch. I can throw a little. I can run. That’s football, right?

And then practice started.

Honest to God, I couldn’t even do half of the “warm up” stretches because they looked like something out of a Crossfitter’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. They were all spider monkeying around and raising legs to shoulders. The only way my legs will ever reach my shoulder is if I amputate one and have to carry it some place.

Things didn’t improve once we started the actual drills.

I got hit in the nipples more times than a hooker in a dunk booth.

The very first time a pass came my way (from our head coach who, oh by the way PLAYED COLLEGE FOOTBALL), I thought my entire boob was going to swell up, jump off my chest and say “Eff this, I’m out of here.”

It was like an hour long session of how many times can a football bounce off Law Momma.  I think I caught the ball all of twice in a one hour practice.

The game is promo-ed as Blondes vs. Brunettes so it sounded fun. But if I was thinking it would just be a cute way to get a little exercise, raise a little money for charity, and maybe meet some new friends… I WAS WRONG. Some of these girls can ball. (And some of them need better sports bras…I’m looking at you, bouncy blonde.) And there are actual plays and stuff. Like we’re some kind of athletes.

It’s all very stressful. And will be played during halftime of a college football game here in Macon. With people watching.

I’m not quite sure what I got myself into with this….. BUT… if you’d like to donate to a worthy cause and support me making an ass out of myself, I’m happy to have the help! Click HERE to donate to my shame and I promise to name one of my (many) bruises in your honor.


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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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