Seven Years

Posted on | October 13, 2014 | 8 Comments

Some time on Saturday morning or maybe late Friday night, I started to just feel … off. You know what I mean? That feeling like something is wrong but you can’t quite put your finger on it? I thought it might just be because I was missing my kid but when he returned on Saturday, the feeling remained.

I woke up this morning with a catch in my throat and my eyes on the verge of tears and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. Was it returning to work after a long weekend trip? Was it because Banks and I argued? Was it because my son was whiny or my dog was whiny or was it just that the sky was gray and foreboding? I plodded through the morning with my normal mantra of “Get dressed, J. Put your shoes on, J. Brush your teeth, J. Put your shoes on. PUT YOUR SHOES ON, J” and still the feeling hovered.

When I got to work and turned on my computer the date flashed up at me and it all made sense.

It seems that no matter where I go or what I do, October 13th will always haunt me.

The first year after my divorce, I cried on my anniversary over the loss of my husband but I was sure that by the second year it would all be different. And it was. I still cried, more from the exhaustion of single parenting and the overwhelming sense of loneliness. When the third year rolled around, I was deliriously enthralled with Banks and deep in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. October 13th was just another day.

And now, it seems, I have reached the fourth year. Officially. I’ve almost been divorced as long as I was married. But though it seems it shouldn’t matter any more that on this day, seven years ago, I was surrounded with friends and family on the day of my wedding… somehow it still does.

I can’t, in all honesty, say that I am sad to no longer be married to my ex-husband. I can’t say that I wish he were still here, still a part of my life. Because the God’s honest truth is that I don’t. I’m happy to no longer share a home with him, to no longer share my heart and mind and soul with him.

But the thing about divorce is this: it sort of feels like one big epic F- on a report card. Like I can’t pass “Marriage 101.” Like I’m flawed in some seriously major way that makes me unlovable, un-manageable, and yes … un-marriable.  Though last year this day rolled off of me with the weightless wonder of new love, this year it weighs so heavy on my heart that it feels unbearable. I feel unbearable.

I failed at marriage. Failed at being able to salvage the friendship we once had, the love we thought we had… the life I thought we’d build together. And though I don’t want it back, not for all the diamonds in the world, the loss of it feels overwhelming.

Because if I failed at being married once, who’s to say I won’t fail again? As my relationship with Banks deepens and grows and evolves into something bigger and more and amazing… who’s to say that the weight of my insecurities won’t drown this man I love, won’t swallow him whole with my sheer doubt of my own existence. Who’s to say that second time’s the charm, that THIS time it’s right, that I won’t fail again. It seems the closer I get to Banks, the more terrified I become and I wonder if maybe I’m just too broken, just too scarred, just too much of a failure to ever make it work again.

This year, October 13th weighs so heavy on my heart.

Comments

8 Responses to “Seven Years”

  1. molly
    October 13th, 2014 @ 10:54 am

    I’m sorry. That must be so hard and how you feel makes so much sense. I am glad that you and Banks are growing closer and your love is deepening. But I can imagine it would be a bit terrifying too. (((hugs)))

  2. Law Momma
    October 13th, 2014 @ 10:59 am

    It’s very very scary. I often feel like a ticking time bomb which makes life extremely hard for Banks, I’m sure!

  3. ldubb310
    October 13th, 2014 @ 12:02 pm

    I’m sorry it’s a tough day. I’m no expert, but I think it’s probably natural to still mourn that loss and to fear going through it again. I was reading something on grief/ heartbreak and the advice was to ‘go through it, not around it’ in order to heal. Sometimes we just have to go through it an not around it to move forward. And the good news is that tomorrow is 10/14! Hang in there!

  4. Law Momma
    October 13th, 2014 @ 12:03 pm

    That’s good advice for sure!

  5. TarynB
    October 13th, 2014 @ 1:08 pm

    I feel you on this…. July 22nd does the same thing to me. We officially got divorced a few months after our 6th anniv. It hits me every year; even though we are now friendly. We talk and see each other every week. I have to pick up the kids at my old house every week. I would never ever want us to be together. We are much better friends and parents bc we are divorced. Yet, it still makes me sad.

    And now, I am on the receiving end of another breakup. This one, only two years. We lived together. We adopted a dog together. He was like a dad to my kiddos. And he left. Blindsided. It hit me so hard, that I am yet again a failure at a relationship. One that I really thought was for forever. It makes me so scared to move forward and open up to anyone again. It truly makes me feel like there must be a fatal relationship flaw within me.

  6. Law Momma
    October 13th, 2014 @ 2:32 pm

    Oh friend. I ache for you because that is my biggest fear… that fear of going through the hurt all over again. YOU are not the failure… promise. So many hugs.

  7. TarynB
    October 13th, 2014 @ 9:21 pm

    Thank you friend 🙂 it’s been a rough month, but I’m getting through it. And I know I’m not the failure, it’s just that doubt that creeps in. You aren’t a failure either. You are a strong awesome wonderful mom and Banks Is lucky to have you!! 🙂

  8. Lin
    October 13th, 2014 @ 8:12 pm

    I don’t know you personally but I have read your blog for a long time and I feel confident saying this- YOU didn’t fail at marriage. You can only do your part and anyone who reads here knows you did. It wasn’t something or someone different you could have done or been- if the other person isn’t ready or on the same page it doesn’t mean you failed.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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