Posted on | January 6, 2015 | 2 Comments
So then what’s up, 2015? Or as I’ve taken to calling it “Twenty-pimp-teen.” Don’t ask me why… I have no good reason and it’s a stupid name. It’s only the 6th day and already I can feel a buzz surrounding this year; I’m not sure yet what kind of a buzz it is, but there’s definitely a charged feeling in the air like something is stirring and about to happen.
Or maybe it’s just that I was pretty ready to say goodbye to last year because it was a year of serious financial struggles that are hopefully all resolved as of this precise moment in time. Who knows. All I know is that thus far, I’ve gotten up every morning with a smile on my face and a spring in my step and that’s a really welcome change from the lackluster whine and moan of 2014.
Of course, it hasn’t all been roses because I’m me. And I’m in uncharted dating territory with a very pre-teen-ish five year old. And even the shiniest of New Year’s can be smudged and blurred by those two things. See… I’m not all that good at dating. I’ve said it before. I make stupid choices and say stupid things because I’m just not used to being in a relationship. In college, my longest relationship was around three months and it ended poorly. Then I sort of dated off and on until law school but never more than once or twice before one or the other of us got bored or, in my case, forgot to return calls. Then I met my ex husband, we dated for about eight months, I broke up with him, it didn’t stick, and then we got married.
Enter Banks and our year plus relationship. This is uncharted territory for me. At this time in my previous longest relationship, I was planning a wedding with a ring on my finger so my choices were made for me. If someone had asked me out at that point, I would have been confused, flashed my left hand and said (in my best Carson from Shag) “I’m sorry, I’m engaged.”
It shouldn’t be a tough call, right? I mean… you’re in a relationship. You don’t go out with another guy. But then what if it’s a colleague and you’re not entirely sure if it’s a date or a work thing? Well… then. If you’re me, you send a cryptic text to your boyfriend asking if it’s okay for you to go have drinks with another man… one whom flirts with you often and might actually be asking you out but you’re not entirely sure.
Are you cringing?
Because apparently that is NOT what people in relationships do.
Apparently the proper course of action was to contact a girl friend if I was concerned and/or conflicted. No. Actually the proper course of action would have been to announce “I’m sorry, I’m seeing someone” and let it go.
So why didn’t I?
Hell. Who knows. Banks will not let me hear the end of it. The mockery is strong with that one, ladies, and I spent a good thirty minutes hearing every joke under the sun about my poor choices yesterday.
What it left me with, though, is a question in my mind about who I am and why I was even slightly conflicted about the situation. I mean, am I so much of a people pleaser that it upset me to upset this guy who I don’t really know? Because that’s what it seems like to me. And that’s a big old red flag, ya know? I don’t want to be that girl. I’ve been that girl my whole life… trying to make sure not to rock the boat or ruffle any feathers. I’ve been the girl who smiles and nods and says “yes” even when everything in me is screaming “no” just to keep from making anyone else uncomfortable or God forbid… mad at me.
I’m embarrassed to admit that about myself. I’m honestly scared to say “no.” What an awful thing to be scared of for thirty seven years.
Twenty-pimp-teen is upon us now, though. And it seems like as good a time as any, here at thirty-seven years old, to finally learn how to say “no.” So I’ve started with the opposing counsel. Who I politely told “no” with no reason provided. Because I don’t owe a reason to anyone but myself.