Conflicted.

Posted on | August 27, 2015 | 3 Comments

I have always considered myself, well… liberal. I think all men and women are created equal … no matter what they look like, who they pray to, and who they love. It’s a big part of who I am and it’s a big part of how I identify myself. I get upset when people think or act differently than that because I don’t understand it. I just don’t understand hatred.

I get fired up about hatred.

I get fired up about racism.

I get fired up about the assassination of character that sometimes happens when someone speaks up about what they believe or how they feel. So much of the time, I don’t speak up about how I feel. I keep quiet because I’m so scared that what I feel will be somehow wrong. I get scared that what I feel will be twisted and turned into something ugly when it isn’t intended to be.

I believe that all of us are put here for the purpose of helping each other, learning from each other, teaching each other how to breathe in life and breathe out love. I always want to breathe out love. I want my words and actions and very being to radiate a love for everyone. Everyone.

And that’s why I feel so awful these days.

I feel awful and sad and uncomfortable because lately, I’ve been feeling very conflicted. I feel that, as a person who loves, I should be first in line to support and applaud the actions of Black Lives Matter. I feel that I’m supposed to support and applaud their interruption of Bernie Sanders and slam the negative response that followed. I feel that I’m supposed to believe that this was the right way to go about spreading a message. Because it’s a good message and the message is something I wholeheartedly support. And because I support the message, I feel like I’m supposed to support any and every way it is spread.

But I don’t.

Me, the “bleeding heart,” the “silly liberal woman.” Me. How can I not support that? How can I not agree with the articles that say it was needed and necessary. How can I not put myself in a position where I understand that it’s necessary and needed?

I can’t wrap my head around it.

I’ve read article after article supporting what happened at the Bernie Sanders Rally. I’ve read article after article about how great it was that these women took their cause to the stage, took their voices to the microphone, and let their message be heard. And I have to say, I agree that it’s good to take this cause to the stage. I agree that it’s good to take those voices to a microphone and to let the message be heard.

But I disagree with how it was done.

Because what happened that day took something special… something that was and is important… a movement that means Black Lives Matter… a movement that had my full and complete support… and made it into a Kanye West moment at the Grammy’s.

It made someone like me, someone who has always believed in equality of all people, question whether other people feel the same. Because yes, Black Lives Matter. Hell the effing yes they matter. And I will beat the tar out of anyone who says otherwise.

But you know what else matters?

Lots of things.

Things like respect and honor and dignity. Things like love and kindness and vulnerability. I was raised to believe that respect breeds respect, kindness begets kindness, and that even a whisper can be as loud as a roar if it is spoken into the right ear.

Black Lives Matter. They do.

And I want to shout from the rooftops that I support that… that I support every single mother loving inch of that. But recent events leave me unable to.

And the fact that I can’t open arm my support for a cause I believe in, makes me feel so much sadder than I’ve felt about anything in a very long time.

Comments

3 Responses to “Conflicted.”

  1. Brandy
    August 27th, 2015 @ 11:06 am

    This was such an honest and heartfelt post! And I totally agree with you. People matter and definitely should be heard, but it’s just truth that the way you go about things matters as well. Respect matters. I lean more conservative but I get fired up about intolerance on all sides.

  2. Kelster
    August 27th, 2015 @ 11:07 am

    Completely understand! You’re not alone in feeling this way

  3. Ellen Rosenberg
    August 28th, 2015 @ 4:02 pm

    As I understand it, as I read somewhere later, the women who interrupted Bernie’s event were not even members of #BlackLivesMatter. Correct me if I’m wrong…

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