Expectations

Posted on | October 21, 2016 | 7 Comments

I ended my last post with just a sentence, nothing exciting, but some of you had questions. Did it mean something? Was there a hint of information behind that innocent little period? Was I trying to reveal a little piece of what’s been going on in my life… a life that has been unfolding in a real way rather than a written one?

The short answer is “no,” I wasn’t trying to reveal anything. I honestly just forgot that I was holding this piece of me from the blog, maybe hoping that by not putting it out there, everything would be fine. Perhaps feeling that if I didn’t mention it here then it wasn’t really real, you know? Even if everyone else knew. But the long answer is still very much “yes” with fireworks and that burst of hearts exploding on your screen.

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At nearly 20 weeks, it feels almost real enough to say here, finally, that I am playing host to another little boy, a brother for J, a piece of our family we didn’t know was missing. But it’s only almost real; not fully real yet…at least  not for me. I still have that moment of panic every time I use the restroom, waiting to see red and examining the tissue in my hand for even the slightest of pink. I wonder more if he’s okay, if he’s functioning properly… all fingers and toes and valves and bones rightly put together in a way that makes a keep-able baby… not a lose-able one. I poke more for motion, pressing gently as if to quietly but urgently ask “are you still there?” maybe more than I should. But every appointment, every ultrasound is one held breath away from loss or hope … wondering if this is the moment when he disappears but praying it is instead the moment I settle into mothering another child, expecting another child.

Because as much as I long to, I honestly I don’t feel “expectant”.

I feel anxious and worried, terrified and alarmed, and constantly prepared for only the worst of things.

The thing is, no one can really prepare you for what it feels like to carry a child after you mis-carry one. No one can explain to you the reluctance to purchase baby items, the desire to forget you are carrying a child in case you carry him wrong… again. We haven’t picked out names. Our “nursery” is just a collection of boxes that haven’t made their way to the attic from when Banks moved in a year ago. And though I feel I am doing this child a great disservice for not talking to him more, not getting to know the life inside me, I am reluctant to let myself love in the grand, big way that a mother loves a child. So on top of the fear, I worry that I am also scarring him for life with my anxiety and my forced nonchalance that comes with desperately holding on to the pieces of myself so I don’t grow too attached… just in case…

So yes, I am having a baby, though I stop short at saying I am expecting.

I am, I suppose, only secretly hopeful and anxiously yearning for a far off moment when I am able to hold a second child in my arms.

Comments

7 Responses to “Expectations”

  1. Sharon
    October 21st, 2016 @ 2:52 pm

    Congratulations! I am happy for you. I get the hesitancy after a loss, as I have been there myself.

  2. Harmony, Momma To Go
    October 21st, 2016 @ 3:19 pm

    Congrats! Can’t wait to read more! Also impressed you went to your reunion esp w out drinking! I chickened out on mine last fall

  3. Liz
    October 23rd, 2016 @ 9:23 am

    I have been reading your blog for so long. I cried with you when the divorced happened. I rejoiced when you met Banks. And today I friend when I heard your wonderful news. Enjoy the journey. Congratulations!

  4. Ruth
    October 24th, 2016 @ 10:09 am

    I’m pretty sure you already know this, but as a long time reader, someone who thinks you are a real badass, and a survivor of a postpartum depression and anxiety myself, I can’t leave it unsaid… feeling so much anxiety is common (especially after loss), but not normal. I encourage you to talk to your doctor about it. You deserve to feel better. You are worth the next steps to getting the anxiety in check.

  5. Law Momma
    October 24th, 2016 @ 11:58 am

    I wish I could figure out why my comments won’t let me respond individually any more! But to all of you… THANK YOU. I am slowly moving toward excitement and have an appointment Wednesday to discuss my anxiety with my doctor. đŸ™‚ Y’all are the best.

  6. Lola M.
    October 24th, 2016 @ 7:20 pm

    Congratulations!!! I went through the same. After the 5th month I was able to let go and love anyway. I am sure you will come to it when you are ready!

  7. Maggie
    November 1st, 2016 @ 6:05 pm

    Oh I am so very late to this post but I’m responding anyway because it resonates so strongly with me.

    I miscarried before each of my two children and by the time I was pregnant with my youngest I felt like I couldn’t let myself bond with her until really late in my pregnancy. My husband got out all of the baby stuff, painted the nursery, and organized things. I couldn’t make myself do any of it because I couldn’t fully accept I was actually going to have this baby because if I did and it didn’t work out, it was going to hurt too much. Finally at about 30 weeks I got on board. My heart just wouldn’t let me do it before then.

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