Age is… more than a Number. (Sorry, Aaliyah.)

Posted on | May 18, 2017 | No Comments

Misery.

Woe.

Death awaits.

An AARP card away from smushed prunes and Depends.

Lately, I’ve noticed myself re-telling the same stories, watching that glazed over look that Millenials get when the “old folks” are speaking flash across the faces of my law clerks. Law clerks who were born in the 90’s and who insist on calling me “ma’am” with that mixture of respect and separation. I can see it in their eyes…  the sense that they are different. The understanding that they are young and I… well… I am something altogether else.

“I’m hip!” I want to yell, breaking out my best Austin Powers in my mind… just before the realization sinks in that Austin Powers came out when they were in pre-school. It’s no longer a relevant cultural reference. I am hovering on the edge of a realization that I am… not young. But merely hovering.

After all, I had Doritos for lunch.

Doritos are hardly an “old person” food.

My seven year old loves Doritos. Wait… does referencing my child make me older or younger?

Shoot.

Stop me if you’ve heard this.

Just stop me in general.

Because it seems that I’m edging closer and closer to the precipice of a number I don’t particularly care to see at the top of my electronic medical records. It seems that regardless of how I feel on the inside, the rest of me… the outside shelf where I hang the face I show the world… it is changing. It is moving all too quickly towards that word, that THING I can’t begin to process that might just apply to me sooner rather than later. That scary little word that begins with an “O” and ends with an “LD.”

So naturally I rolled all the windows down and blasted Black Sheep on the way back to work. Because people of a certain age just don’t listen to 90’s rap, right? So I can’t possibly be a person of a certain age, no matter what is popping up around me, right? Right?

I’m still hip. Even if Austin Powers is not.

Right?

Have I told you this before?

Where was I?

Do you know where I put my keys?

Sigh.

I found my first white hair today.

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