It is Good.

Posted on | May 4, 2018 | No Comments

Somehow it gets harder to log in and write here.

I don’t know if it’s maturity coupled with┬áthe fear that something I write may have negative repercussions long in the future, or if it’s just that I’m slogging through motherhood and I can’t seem to find time. Perhaps it’s a bit of both. But I miss this space and feeling like I had a platform to come to… somewhere to voice my opinions and maybe find a few like-minded folks scattered around the world. Life seems a little smaller without this space.

But for however small it is, life is good.

My life has moved so quickly and ferociously towards middle age that somedays I don’t recognize myself in the mirror and I certainly don’t recognize my reflection in other people’s eyes or behavior towards me. I’m suddenly owed a certain amount of deference and respect because of my age and experience. People tend to listen when I talk. As if by magic, I’ve become “ma’am” and someone of wisdom, even while feeling more lost than usual on the inside.

Middle age is a curious thing, I guess. I feel more myself than I ever did when I was younger. I still give myself pep talks before going into new crowds, but now I go with my head held high and I don’t often slink to the corners to stay anonymous. I feel like this is the me I was supposed to be all along, strong-willed, emotional, certifiably crazy, but in the kind of way that says “It’s okay, I’m not going to kill you… I’ll just make you laugh a lot and then you can talk about me behind my back.”

And kids. Oh man the kids. Nothing in life can really prepare you for the heartache and happiness that is parenthood. Every day is magic and mayhem and beautiful, beautiful trauma, to borrow from P!nk. I love my boys with a fierceness that is overwhelming at times and often I have to take a step back and remind myself that they actually do have to make their own mistakes and they don’t need me to constantly come along and clean up their messes. It’s hard, though, when you love them so much, isn’t it.

Then there’s marriage and the constant struggle to find that exact right balance between time for yourself and time for yourselves. Because you’re a team, even though sometimes it feels like you’re playing different sports. I love my husband so much in spite and because of the fact that he frustrates and challenges me daily. Because life shouldn’t be easy, right? If it were easy, you’d miss all the nuance… all the joy in discovering common ground. I truly believe we are stronger because of our differences and our often oppositional ways of looking at the world. He makes me think and laugh and sometimes cry… and it’s ugly and beautiful through all of the ups and down.

So I guess what I’m saying is… I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m putting one foot in front of the other. And every day is a struggle and a challenge and an adventure. Some days I feel like I’m at the bottom of a really steep hill, just waiting to be climbed… and some days?

Some days I’m at the top, looking out over this life I’ve created… these lives I’ve created… and it is good.

It is so good.


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