Facing Fears

Posted on | March 7, 2019 | 1 Comment

On Wednesday night, I dreamed of snakes.

Not just one or two, but lots of snakes… every where I went there were snakes. When I woke up, I was still scared to put my feet on the floor or use the restroom because I’m absolutely terrified of snakes.

I mentioned it to Banks and googled what dream snakes mean, which, if you’ve ever googled dream interpretations, you’ll know that it can basically mean absolutely anything. But the biggest thing seemed to be fear of some kind… some situation you’re not facing in your everyday life. I didn’t think much more about it, except to wonder what it was I was secretly afraid of.

Until 11:30 yesterday morning, when I thought about eating lunch right around the same time I thought that I might pass out. I was hot and dizzy and nauseated and I had a strange feeling that something was wrong. I waited it out. I stayed as still as possible. I took my blood sugar to make sure it wasn’t related to that. Around noon, I forced myself to eat anyway, but it didn’t seem to help. Finally, though I thought I was being silly, I called my OB office and talked to the pregnancy nurse. More to calm me down than out of actual concern, she scheduled me to come in and I drove over to wait.

I really thought they’d tell me I was overreacting.

I thought I’d be sent on my way with a pat on the back and a “Take it easy but you’re fine. Call anytime.”

Instead, I was hooked up to monitors and ultrasound and suddenly they were talking about steroid shots to prepare the baby’s lungs. Not the baby. My baby. Our baby. To prepare little B’s lungs. In case he came early… because things weren’t quite right.

After a little while on the monitors, they determined that I was not in labor but had what they referred to as “an irritable uterus,” among several other issues that were not fully explained.

“Good news,” the doctor said. “We won’t have to admit you today.”

I was sent to Labor and Delivery for a steroid shot, with the second scheduled for this afternoon and that was that. I was sent on my way.

No one told me what to expect. No one told me what any of this meant for the next three months that little B is supposed to stay tucked inside, safe and warm. No one gave me a list of what caused this or how to keep it from getting worse.

And so I came home. And lay on my sofa as C celebrated his second birthday on the floor beside me. I watched my family put together a Mickey Mouse train set and pondered all the many reasons any single part of me might possibly be “irritable” given the fact that I was pregnant at 41. I watched them laugh and joke and fuss at each other as C tried to slide down the train tracks, announcing “weeeeee” as it collapsed beneath his weight.

I just lay there, and watched. And pondered all the many things to fearĀ are so much more terrifying than snakes.

Comments

One Response to “Facing Fears”

  1. Sharon
    March 11th, 2019 @ 1:54 pm

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Here’s hoping that you have an uneventful next three months until delivery.

    (P.S. Hard to believe that C is already 2 years old!)

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