Finding Breath

Posted on | August 30, 2019 | 1 Comment

I lost it this morning.

I forgot how to breathe, how to focus… how to be me in the whirlwind of my life.

I don’t know if it was because my kids were whiny or if it was lack of sleep for, let’s face it, years on end. Maybe it was that the first thing I read this morning was a slap on the hand from a member of a profession I admire, alleging I didn’t admire them enough. Maybe it was the back talk from my ten year old. Maybe it was the soreness from yesterday’s yoga class and maybe it was just because it’s Friday at the end of a long week. But for whatever reason, I lost it this morning and I don’t know where I might find it to put it all back together again.

There are days when working parenthood feels like a breeze. You get up, the kids listen. They eat their breakfasts and brush their teeth and soft mood lighting spills through the room as they put their shoes on without complaint. There are mornings when the house is clean, the birds are singing, and you even remember to eat your own breakfast before you head out the door.

But there are also mornings like today, when it’s the last day of the month and the paycheck you just received is already doled out. Mornings where your ten your old begs to be picked up early and your two year old wants to hold your legs as you walk around the kitchen. Mornings when the baby is inconsolable and spits up on every outfit you put on. Mornings when there are dishes in the sink from the night before and toys scattered everywhere like an obstacle course of Mickey Mouse characters. Mornings when you’re glad you keep mascara at  your office because you cried it all off before you even arrived.

I don’t feel really present in my life some days. I feel like I’m floating on the outskirts, tidying up the boundaries and dusting off the edges of the life I will have one day. When I’m rested. When I’m thinner. When I’m happier. When I’m more equipped to handle the life that sits inside the box I haven’t yet opened. It’s as though I believe I’ll wake up one day and decide “Today is the day I become a competent adult” and that will be the day I can handle it all. That magical day will be the day that I discover everything is easier. Everything is cleaner. Everything runs smoothly. Everyone is happy.

I let myself get lost in a world of what needs to be done and what hasn’t come up yet. I get knee deep in all the “have tos” and “must dos” and I can’t seem to find my way up for a moment of what I truly need.

Breath.

So I lost it this morning. On myself and my kids. I lost it on the pressures I put on myself to be everything to everyone, to do everything for everyone.

Life isn’t supposed to be this hard, is it?

It isn’t supposed to feel so heavy. It isn’t supposed to feel like the weight of everyone’s expectations are pressing you down into the sharp corners of a life you’ve preserved there, in that box beneath you.

It should be just…Breathing.

In and out. Up and down. Over and around. Day after day. Embracing the oxygen of the love around you. Remembering why you do all the things you do.

It’s your life, after all. It’s just the only one you have.

Inhaling.

Exhaling.

Opening the box and falling, letting that unexpected life wash over and through you until you realize…

You’ve been living it all along. You just forgot to breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Breathe.

Comments

One Response to “Finding Breath”

  1. Sharon
    September 2nd, 2019 @ 6:50 pm

    HUGS. Being a mother is hard; being a mother who also works outside the home is harder; and being a mother to very young children AND working outside the home is even harder still.

    I can see why you would feel disconnected and overwhelmed, with the ages of your kids.

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