What Not to Wear
Posted on | February 19, 2010 | 5 Comments
I’ve never been on What Not To Wear, I haven’t even watched it in several years (does it still come on?) … but I feel like if I were ever on, it would go something like this:
Wow, Stacy. Have we got our work cut out for us today.
*** SILENCE CLEARLY MEANING “DEAR GOD WHY”***
Yeah. Yesterday morning I realized J has outgrown his Size 2 diapers. He was sitting in my lap when I felt a little… wetness. I moved him and realized “uh oh” he’s peed out of his diaper and a little got on my pants. Now pre-baby I would have changed. These days? I ran a wipe over the spot, shrugged my shoulders, and went on my merry way. It was only later, when I was sitting in a closed door room with two partners, that I realized it was, indeed, not pee on my pants. The stench was unmistakable. The partner’s office smelled like I had shat a pile in the back corner. And who do you blame that on in that situation. You can’t really look around the room like “Where’s the pile of shit?” You have to just sit there calmly and when the other people start to look a little worried, you shrug and say “Oh. I think that smell is me. Maybe J peed on me this morning.” Because, yeah, I still said pee. I’m not so far gone that I freely admit it’s poop. Come on though. They know it’s poop. I know it’s poop. It’s just not something you say.
As if it weren’t bad enough to have poop on my pants, J found it necessary to mark me even more with a violent “outburst” of nasty, mucousy spit up just as I said goodbye at daycare. What did I do? Went on to work. If I wasn’t deterred by poop, did you think the spit up would stop me? And to add insult to injury, while eating my lunch, a large clump of orangey-red Roasted Red Pepper Hummus landed smack on top of my boob. So by the end of the day, I looked (and smelled) like a damn war zone. My pants smell like shit. My cardigan looks like a bird shit on me and smells like vomit, and my formerly crisp white shirt now has a streaky reddish stain that looks like my boobs are bleeding.
When in the hell did I become this person??? I used to get up two hours before classes just to fix my make up and hair! Now, I slap on foundation only to cover up the circles that have migrated from under my eyes to the bottoms of my cheeks. Seriously. They start at the corners of my eyes and droop to my chin. I look like a Basset Hound. I put on mascara, only because my eyelashes are blond and if you’ve ever seen a blond without mascara, you know how frighteningly albino-ish it looks. I seriously have not dried my hair since early pregnancy. And my flat iron is hidden by a layer of dust so thick it’s starting to look like an antique.
Comments
5 Responses to “What Not to Wear”
February 19th, 2010 @ 1:50 pm
I feel ya. I really do. I'm a bit past the spit up stage but my fashion sense has not returned. I was writing about this very thing yesterday. (insert shameless self-promotion here – http://mom-in-a-million.blogspot.com/). Looking like a bag lady at work is epidemic among the mommy set. I think the only thing left to do is be proud that we're fully dressed at all.
February 19th, 2010 @ 3:05 pm
i lol'd- for real.
February 19th, 2010 @ 9:09 pm
Oh wow was this a good post. Not only do you talk about shit, but throwing in Clinton Kelly (my fav) AND Miss Geist? Genius. :o) And what is it about the evil properties of baby puke crust that make it not materialize until hours later when you're out in public? I'll never figure that out.
February 19th, 2010 @ 9:29 pm
Amen, Rebekah. Although by saying that you may have jinxed me into forgetting my pants on Monday.
And yeah, Cyndi… it's like evil magic. You think you got it all… but nope. It'll crust up just when you least expect it!
February 22nd, 2010 @ 1:42 pm
You are hilarious. I am having a great time reading your posts!