What day is it?

Posted on | February 24, 2010 | 9 Comments

Yesterday was such a Monday that I almost forgot today was Wednesday and therefore “Day I meet with Doctor to discuss Workers’ Compensation Claimant.” It caused quite a shift in what I was wearing when I realized it. I hate Tuesdays … or really any day of the week that masquerades as a Monday.

It all started when J decided to wake up at 5:30 instead of 7. He isn’t quiet about waking up, either. He let me know he was awake and hungry and ready to play with my face by squealing in a VERY high pitched voice while simultaneously slapping my nose with his left arm and my boob with his right. I would have been a little amused if it hadn’t been so early. He then proceeded to eat and/or cry for the next hour and a half until … OF COURSE… he went back to sleep right about five ’til seven and I had to get up.

I then proceeded to get my shower and get ready for work. When I finished all that, J was just waking up again. I picked him up and went to change his diaper only to find… a diaper chock-full of bright red blood. Or so I thought. When I frantically called the doctor’s office they tell me “Oh. Whoops. You mean we didn’t tell you that the medicine he’s on can sometimes turn poop red?” WHOOPS?!?!?! Seriously? That’s sort of a big deal. I would have appreciated some kind of a heads up on that.

So the blood-red diaper was “nothing” and I proceeded to get J ready for school. Note the use of the pronoun “I.” You will hear it a lot in the stories I tell about mornings in the Law Momma household because Husband quite simply can. not. get. up. As I am not his mother, I don’t think it’s my place to “wake him up at eight” or whatever time he decides I should wake him. He’s a big boy. He can set a freaking alarm. Of course, I’m the one who suffers by not waking him up, but it’s the principle of the thing.

I get J ready for school, strap him into the car seat and head out for daycare. That part of the morning goes well… until we arrive. I’m running late, as usual, and I peel into the circle drop off, throw the car in park, and run in with the diaper bag and J. I’m hauling it so I run through a list of information for his teacher “Poop might be red. Nothing to worry about. Feed peas. Last ate at 6:45 before taunting me with a return to sleep.” I race out the door thinking I might just make it to work before 9. Nope. Daddy Daycare has pulled in the wrong way on the circle drop off and blocked me in. I am now idling in my car while I wait for him to say his goodbyes to Susie Lou or whatever spawn of Harley Davidson he’s dropped off. He then saunters out with a sheepish wave like “Oh. I’m just a Dad. I can’t be bothered to follow the rules.” I wanted to get out and dump my coffee on his smug Dad face but I refrained.

I made it to work at 9:15. In order to effectively feed J the next day at daycare I would need to pump at 9:45. I get swamped. And I mean SWAMPED. When I look up it’s almost 10:30. I think a non-Lent word to myself (but didn’t say it) and pull out the trusty Whattaboob. I get half-undressed and plug the thing in only to realize that I’ve left the little suction cuppy thing at home. AT HOME. I’m already 45 minutes past pump time. But I get dressed and go back down the three flights of steps to my car, drive the 10 minutes back to my house, grab the piece, and haul it back to work. By the time I pump it’s 11:00.

On Tuesdays we have a meeting where the firm buys all the attorneys lunch and we sit around a table and pretend like we’re learning about each others’ cases but really we’re all just there for the free food and to see if anyone says something funny. Usually someone does because I work with hilarious people. Sadly, I have to take J to the doctor for his six month check up at 2 and since I wasted thirty minutes fetching pumping tools, I have to pass on lunch. I grab my food and take it back to my office to eat.

While trying to juggle eating and working I manage to do something that I don’t realize until later. I’ll let the suspense build. I finish up the best I can and pack up some things to do at home. I hate to take J back to daycare after he’s had shots so I figure we’ll spend the last two hours at home with him napping and me working. I pick him up and we get to the doc’s office. Check up goes well except, again, the doctor says “Didn’t I tell you the medication would turn his poop red?” And then looks at me like I’m lying that he didn’t. I think I’d remember someone telling me that my 6 month old might poop blood red. Seriously.  J gets his shots and breaks my heart as usual. When we’re starting to leave the nurse says “I think there’s something on your…” and points at my chest. Now mind you, it’s been about three hours since lunch at this point. I’ve been at work. I’ve been to daycare. I’ve been at the doctor’s office for an hour.

I look down. Yep. There’s a giant mushroom coated in marinara sauce stuck. To my bra. Right on the edge of my boob. It looks like there’s a fungus growing out of my left breast. I mean really? No one thought to tell me until then? I guess it’s possible that no one looked there, but it’s highly doubtful. I mean I don’t have a lot going for me, but I do have ginormous boobs. SOMEONE should have seen that sucker sticking out. But whatever. I pluck it off and go along my way.

We get home. J naps for all of thirty minutes and I’m left scrambling to entertain a very sleepy baby for the next three hours until it’s “appropriate” for him to go to bed. Meanwhile all this useless doctor advice is spinning in my head like “When you’re mentally ready you’re going to have to let him cry to get any sleep.” What does that even mean?!?! Does that mean when I’m smarter? Does it mean when I’m crazier? WHAT KIND OF PSYCHO-BABBLE IS THAT?

Husband came home to a crazed wife. J was only just asleep and, of course, woke up when the dog barked to signal Husband was home. I was still in my work clothes (minus the mushroom), I was knee deep in baby clothes that had not been folded, and I was drinking a glass of wine as though there were no clothes around me and no baby crying in the nursery. He had the great wisdom to walk past me without a word and go rock J to sleep. Good Husband.

And then he ruined it by opening his mouth and informing me that a college friend is spending Friday night here and all day Saturday. Oh yeah, and Husband will be at work all day Saturday. And then Husband and friend plan to go to a concert on Saturday night and they’ll be leaving as soon as Husband gets off work. Great. There goes any chance at a relaxing weekend. Also when am I supposed to clean my house for that visit?

Whatever. It was a Monday. But the good news is, it was actually Tuesday so we’re one day closer to another weekend. Thank God for that. Even if we do have a houseguest. Maybe he’ll feel sorry for me and clean the house. A girl can dream.


9 Responses to “What day is it?”

  1. The Mommyologist
    February 24th, 2010 @ 1:22 pm

    I would have totally freaked out at the red poop!!

    Sounds like you have quite a week ahead of you!

  2. Caroline
    February 24th, 2010 @ 1:38 pm

    I think I would have needed a shot of something if I found red poop…if it makes you feel better, Jake wakes up everyday between 530 and 6 am…and yes, I too am the only one who seems to "hear" him screaming. Hahaha….thanks for brightening all my mornings with this blog.

  3. Ms. Diva
    February 24th, 2010 @ 2:14 pm

    I would have totally freaked at red poop!!!! Oh and the husband sleeping thing wouldn't happen around here! I'm up working so are you buddy!!!! Hahaha!

  4. amy
    February 24th, 2010 @ 2:27 pm

    Pathetically, i get up of my own accord at 5:30. Its the only time to accomplish homework for school and its the only totally quiet time i get. i love it. i also go to bed at 8PM.
    Who have i become?

    And, seriously, i will reiterate. The baby WILL go to sleep "of his own accord" when he is ready. I know that seems hard to imagine now, but it is true. I sweare it on everything that is important to me 🙂

    And your husband really has the good life. THere is no other adult allowed to sleep around here if a kid is up….no matter what time he chose to go to bed the night before.

  5. Rebekah
    February 24th, 2010 @ 2:47 pm

    Red poop? Your doctor should have sky-written the warning over your house.

    Also, husbands wake up when frolicking babies are unexpectedly placed on top of them in bed. It's amazing to watch and fun for the whole family!

  6. Cybil
    February 24th, 2010 @ 3:23 pm

    Wow – red poop! So, did you eat the mushroom?

  7. Law Momma
    February 24th, 2010 @ 3:50 pm

    Oh cybil. You know me so well. I really wanted to but the nurse got a paper towel so I felt obligated to use it for something other than wiping my mouth!!

  8. Cyndi @ 6 Ring Circus
    February 24th, 2010 @ 5:30 pm

    Hey there! I recently received a "Beautiful Blogger" award and am supposed to pass it on to my seven favorite bloggers and YOU my dear are one of them! You can read more about it on my site – http://our6ringcircus.blogspot.com/2010/02/someone-likes-me.html. I apologize if you already have the award, I just wanted to let you know you're at the top of my must-read list!

  9. Elizabeth Patch
    February 24th, 2010 @ 11:07 pm

    I was going to say a simple thanks, but I really, truly appreciate the time it took to read my blog and leave several comments on my SITS feature day on Monday after I read about your life as a professional working/nursing mom in the middle of the zombie/sleepless stage of it. thanks! and there will be a sweet spot between here and adolescence…

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