The one where I admit to being a monkey…

Posted on | April 26, 2010 | 17 Comments

Well, this week has already gotten off to a fantastic start.

Yes, that was sarcasm. (Sidebar: When will someone create sarcasm font?!?!)

First things first, I had a back ache all weekend. At one point it was so bad that I had to sit down while Husband and I were at the mall. LIKE AN OLD LADY. I felt like my grandmother. Is this what happens at 32? Because no thank you. I would like to be able to walk the length of the mall without stopping to adjust my support hose and prop my feet. Add to that back pain, I am about 12 days late on my period. Twelve. And I almost threw up yesterday morning on several occasions. But three pregnancy tests have told me I am not pregnant, the most recent this morning, so I don’t think that’s going to be added to the worry list just yet. (Who are we kidding?)

But back to this morning. I woke up around 6 with not only a massive back ache, but now with the added bonus of a massive ache in my stomach. Not like your normal upset stomach, but like an ache that says “Something inside of you has probably exploded and you’re in the process of internally bleeding to death.” It feels awesome. I could barely lift myself out of bed much less my 20 pound son.

J was in rare form this morning. And I mean that in a good way. He was so happy he was literally squealing with delight at everything. I love seeing him that happy, but it also means he’s massively wiggly. His favorite thing to do when he’s in a good mood is to roll around on the bed trying to elude me while I change his diaper. It’s a fun game when he only has a wet diaper; not so much when there’s poop.

But this morning he just calmly let me start to change his diaper, squealing happily at me. He even seemed genuinely happy when he hauled off and kicked my hand… INTO THE POOP. Seriously. Slammed it into the diaper with such force that it made a squishing sound. *shudder* Just the memory makes me want to vomit. I had squashy-looking poop all. over. my hand. And then, without thinking.. (give me a break, it’s early at this point) I shook. my. hand. You know, like you do when there is water on it?

WHAT WAS I DOING??? I threw poop. Like a damn zoo monkey. I splattered poop onto the bed, my pajama pants, J’s pajamas… everywhere. I hope to God it didn’t go on the wall because I didn’t have the heart to turn on the light and look. I started to try to clean it up but then gave up, stripped the bedsheets, and threw them in the wash along with my clothes and J’s clothes.

*sigh* And now I’m sitting around waiting for my OB’s office to open so I can make an appointment. I figure I have to start somewhere in figuring this out and it might as well be there. I like that doctor best!

Happy Monday y’all. Watch out for flying poop.


17 Responses to “The one where I admit to being a monkey…”

  1. HarmSkills
    April 26th, 2010 @ 12:34 pm

    awww feel better. hope your day is on the up and up

  2. KatieJones
    April 26th, 2010 @ 12:47 pm

    I. would. die. for a sarcasm font. But then, my whole blog would be one font…hmm. Anywho, as if you were interested in my menstruation habits, I had some period issues like that too. My OB gave me some pills to "induce" my period, and an entire package of tampax later (which fell out, due to an overblown vajay), I was back on track : )

  3. Kim
    April 26th, 2010 @ 12:52 pm

    I am laughing out loud! You totally made my morning with your adventures in poo 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing. It is soooo good to know that I am not alone in my early morning/tired mommy fug!

  4. Jayme
    April 26th, 2010 @ 1:03 pm

    I'm totally laughing at the image of you flinging poo… I'm sorry you're having a bad week… I hope it gets better ASAP

  5. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    April 26th, 2010 @ 1:09 pm

    You and I should team up to write a parenting book called "Don't Shake the Poop!" NYT best-seller list, here we come!

  6. Ms. Diva
    April 26th, 2010 @ 1:15 pm

    Ok, you win!!! Best monday morning story EVER!!!

  7. KLZ
    April 26th, 2010 @ 1:38 pm

    No one tell you that your laundry quadruples when you have a baby not just because there's a third person but because of instances like these. I can't believe the amount of time we spend cleaning poop, food and spit-up off of things.

    The doctor's office will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It'll be fine.

    PS let's create a sarcasm font and make bajillions.

  8. Nicci
    April 26th, 2010 @ 2:30 pm

    Oh no!! Although I'm not here to judge. Aric's sleep sack was filled with poo yesterday morning. I forgot about that fact when I returned from his emergency bath. I threw the sack on the floor and poo came flying out. Not cool.

    And when you create that sarcasm font, I will pay you for the rights to use it 🙂

  9. Cybil
    April 26th, 2010 @ 2:48 pm

    Wow! That's all I've got for you this morning! Wow! You definitely win the Monday morning Suck It award! I am sending positive vibes your way!

  10. Blair@HeirtoBlair
    April 26th, 2010 @ 3:08 pm

    OMG. Poop on your hand.

    If it makes you feel better, when we were planting the garden yesterday, I was shaking out cow manure & some flew up in my face mid-sentence.

    While I was gagging & spitting & Nate was laughing, he said, "Hey baby. Eat shit."

    I threw manure at him.

  11. Kiki
    April 26th, 2010 @ 3:37 pm

    Oh wow! You win Monday Morning Sucks Award for sure.

    Hahaha!! Blair, I would have thrown it too 🙂

  12. Jen
    April 26th, 2010 @ 6:51 pm

    This surely sounds like a terrible no good very bad day.

    I hope that your doctor can give you some good new.

    Stopped by SITS to say hi and welcome. 🙂

  13. LCW
    April 26th, 2010 @ 7:02 pm

    That was a great post. sorry about the poop on your hand, that is definitely not great.

  14. Southern Loves
    April 26th, 2010 @ 7:26 pm

    Awww…Mondays are def. my hardest day!! Glad you could put a positive, humorous spin on the poop!! ;o) I'm your newest follower and look forward to reading more; I already feel like I can relate to what I have read thus far!! ;o) ~ Marlie

  15. Diana
    April 26th, 2010 @ 8:47 pm

    When you find a sarcasm font, I expect to be emailed asap.

    I'm sorry about the poop. I did that with barf the other day. It went in my mouth.


    I have a feeling the rest of your week is going ot be much better. Enjoy!

  16. Rachel Cotterill
    April 26th, 2010 @ 9:08 pm

    I hope your back is better now. If it's any comfort, I get back pain too, and I'm 27.

    Oh, and someone *has* invented a punctuation mark for sarcasm. Seriously, Google it. It's out there.

    Visiting to welcome you to SITS 🙂

  17. metta1313
    April 27th, 2010 @ 3:30 am

    Oh man! I hope you feel better soon, but at least you have a funny "monkey story to tell."

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