Home "Sweet" Home

Posted on | May 3, 2010 | 14 Comments

It’s good to be home.

I’m not normally the biggest fan of returning home after trips. The drive to do something fun always seems easier than the drive to return to status quo. But this time? Pulling into my driveway made me want to burst into the Hallelujah Chorus. And that’s not to say I didn’t have a wonderful trip… but travel with babies is different.

Even J woke up this morning, looked to the left, looked to the right, and squealed happily. We’re all glad to be back to our regular routine. Well, mostly regular. There is, of course, the fact that Momma can’t walk.

Yeah. You heard that right. In the words of one of the partners at my firm, I’m all “stove up.” Which I think is Southern for bent over in an odd position and moving slowly. Not sure, but that seems right. Last week my back started hurting and I went to the OB because, well, he’s my favorite doctor. He tested and found a UTI so we treated that. My back got momentarily better and then? Much, much worse. It now hurts when I sit. It hurts when I stand. It hurts when I lay down. And most importantly? It hurts when I pick up my over 20 pound son.

*sigh* I wish this thing showed time lapse. I got finished with that first bit about being glad to be home and halfway into a description of my back drama when J started to smell. Bad. So I hobbled the two of us back to the nursery to change his diaper. (Important sidenote: If you saw my Twitter Home Tour, you may remember that the Master Bedroom is directly across from the nursery. Also, this morning, that bedroom door was open. Now back to the story.)

I can’t stand long enough to use the changing table so I opted to sit on the bed and change him there. I laid him on the bed and he immediately began SCREAMING. Loudly. Really loudly. So loudly that (see above) there is no way Husband didn’t hear him. Husband knows I am a)exhausted from my “vacation” and b) “stove up” as mentioned above. Husband does not come to my assistance. Then, when I remove J’s diaper, J proceeds to poop. all. over. the. bed. And it looks like the chili they serve at Yum Yum’s hot dogs in Greensboro. There is now poop on me and on the bed. And oh yeah, all over J. Cue my back spasming violently. Still no Husband. Has he gone deaf over night? I am literally yelling about my back and the poop and J is still screaming. He must have gone deaf over night, right?

I get J’s diaper changed but now have to get the sheets off the bed. I take J into the Master Bedroom. Husband is inexplicably awake… and seems pissed off. Really, Husband? Really? Because I thought that J and I have been gone since Tuesday night and maybe, just maybe, he might have had a BREAK FROM BABY UNLIKE HIS WIFE. I may kill him. I’m not saying it’s a definite, but plans are in the works. (I kid.)

What was that I said about being glad to be home? As I sit here, now, covered in poop juice, with snot on my pajama pants, an angry Husband who doesn’t want to be awake an hour and a half after his wife, and a baby who is repeatedly blowing raspberries in between gulps of breast milk?  What did I say? Oh alright fine. It’s still good to be home.


14 Responses to “Home "Sweet" Home”

  1. Kim
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 12:26 pm

    Ah, yes, I hear ya, girl 🙂 I do love my dear hubby as well. But I swear, the longer I am gone with the children, the lazier he gets. It's like he figures, "hey, she did it all alone for x number of days, why can't she continue to do so now?" And the poo? Uh-huh. After we had that little scene played out at our house, like exactly, God answered my prayers and reversed it onto Hubby. So I video taped it. It's a gem! Glad you're back safe and sound, and I so totally loved that video of J and his Great Granny! So did my kids 🙂

  2. Sara
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 1:17 pm

    Dude. I don't even know what to say. Ass = Grass. Karma = Bitch. Sorry for the language, but I guess I'm all riled up this morning.

  3. ~*Jess*~
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 2:00 pm

    Oh what a way to come home 🙁 Sorry! I think that calls for a sick day 🙂

  4. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 2:37 pm

    I would have dropped the poopy sheets on his stupid head.

  5. CaneWife
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 3:34 pm

    Ditto the sheets on his head. What's that all about?

    Sorry. That sounds awful 🙁

  6. disastersindomesticity
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 5:41 pm

    Wow. I don't think my hubby would pull that shit because he knows I would KILL him! I would make his life miserable!

  7. bbcd mama
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 6:07 pm

    I hope you get to feeling better – and are able to get the poop juice off – really soon!

  8. Carol
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 6:23 pm

    What a doozy! My hubs is notorious for offering his help after the situation has been resolved. Oh, or offering to get up for night feedings when I'm already on my way to the kitchen. Love that!

  9. Katie
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 7:02 pm

    What a mental picture! I would have given my hubby a swift kick to the shin 🙂

  10. Law Momma
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 7:03 pm

    I should have probably mentioned how wonderful Husband was last night. Perhaps he felt that he had met his quota of help for the month of May.


  11. Diana
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 7:16 pm

    Husband quota is something that seems to go fast around these parts. They set the bar real low…

    I'm glad you're back – super, super jealous at who you got to hang out with, and can't wait to Tweet with you later.

  12. Eliza
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 7:46 pm

    I was out of town solo with Teva this weekend too! Travelling with an ifant alone is some sketchy bizzzznesss! Yikes! Glad you and J made it back safe and sane!

    Wow…my hubs is also inexplicably lazy. I left him with an empty dishwasher, and yet still came home to kitchen sink full of dishes and his vat of grease that he had fried chicken wings in. ::::barf::::

    Hope it gets better for ya! Sorry about the poop-splosion!

  13. Mrs. Trophy Wife
    May 3rd, 2010 @ 8:04 pm

    So glad I got to meet you and J! SO fun. I'm glad you made it back safely 🙂

    Now we need to meet up again soon.

  14. kris
    May 4th, 2010 @ 4:02 am

    I had a bad day, but yours was REALLY BAD!! Go back to that doctor and make him figure out what's wrong with your back! You can't be all bent over in pain — you have Wonder Woman duties of all sorts to which you must attend!

    Poop juice! SO funny.

    Feel better soon!

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