Maybe I need to get a bird and name it Stuart…

Posted on | May 19, 2010 | 13 Comments

J has an ear infection and is getting over a stomach bug… so at least that explains the screaming! We started him on antibiotics yesterday and GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH he slept. A lot. I would have slept more except I kept waking up wondering if I had somehow smothered him in his sleep because why else was he not waking up to nurse? He literally woke up once at 9:30 just to piss me off and interrupt Glee and then once at 2:30 in the morning. And then? Not again until after 7.

It was glorious.

But I discovered something terrible about myself in the process of getting more sleep. I am never satisfied.

You would think that getting more sleep and waking up after 7 would be enough. Throw in Husband getting up before 8 to help clean up the kitchen and take care of J while I get ready for work and I should have been spitting gold I was so happy. But what was I?


I wanted more. When Husband asked me to get the diaper genie and bring it out so he could take the trash out, I thought angry thoughts about why I had to do that when he had two good hands. When J woke up at ten after 7 I thought “why couldn’t he sleep longer and then oops I missed work and have to stay home all day even though I’ll totally still take him to daycare.”

Why can’t I be satisfied with good? Why do I always need … better? It’s frustrating. I have been like this forever and you’d think I’d get a grasp on it. But it always comes back to bite me on the ass. I have a great husband. He helps out when I ask him unless he’s playing his game. And what do I focus on? The times he’s playing his game and can’t help.

Instead of a blog re-boot it sounds like I need a life re-boot. I want to be happy with what I have. I want to have that full, satisfied feeling that you get after Thanksgiving lunch when I look at my life. So why am I constantly wanting more? More money. Better clothes. Ooooh! Those shoes! Her wit. His sense of humor. It’s always something.
Yesterday the stunning Joanna over at Raising Madison posted a “naked” picture of her without makeup on. And I told her, truthfully, how gorgeous she is. She immediately responded with “I could go on forever about my flaws.” And I responded “Can’t we all.” I blamed it on our society and threatened to go Stuart Smalley on her … but maybe I need someone to do that for me. Maybe I need a little bird on my shoulder who whispers “You’re good enough, smart enough, and doggone it … People like you!”

I don’t want to raise my kid to be constantly wishing he were someone else. I don’t think my parents necessarily raised me that way because my sister and brother seem quite happy with who and where they are. But somehow I am not. And I want to change that. Any ideas? Will it take a bird named Stuart? Should I buy a giant mirror and put it in front of my desk at work and talk to myself? Will people think I’m crazy if I do that?

*sigh* I just want to be happy. Anyone remember how to get there?


13 Responses to “Maybe I need to get a bird and name it Stuart…”

  1. Raising Madison
    May 19th, 2010 @ 1:37 pm

    Its awful isn't it? I post a picture without makeup, talk about setting a good example for my daughter, get really nice comments and then I still talk about my flaws?

    I mean sure, no one is 100% happy or satisfied 100% of the time but why is sometimes so hard to be happy with what we have?

    I'll be your stuart smalley if you be mine? 🙂

  2. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    May 19th, 2010 @ 1:40 pm

    Actually, reading the Stuart Smalley book will make you happy, at least temporarily. Also? Reading "Such A Pretty Fat" by Jenn Lancaster. Or anything by Jen Lancaster but that one in particular talks about learning to find happiness within only she does it in the funniest way possible and is never sappy.

  3. LCW
    May 19th, 2010 @ 2:23 pm

    Sometimes when I'm dragging ass at 7am and only woke up once with the baby and think "why won't she go back to sttn?" I realize that only waking once is SO MUCH BETTER than the previous two nights of screaming off and on and barely sleeping at all. I often which I had more money, more time, more sleep but I realize that we're better off than we were one month ago, six months ago and even a year ago. We are blessed with a healthy beautiful baby girl, we both have employment and our bills are paid on time. I might not have designer clothes or hell, even clothes that fit me to a tee, but I do have clean, spit up free clothes and when our budget allows I buy a new pair of shoes to spice up an older outfit. Count your blessings, and only ONE middle of the night wakeup.

  4. My Mercurial Nature
    May 19th, 2010 @ 2:25 pm

    Drugs help. The prescription kind. Okay, alright…and friends! People to call, or email, or text, or drive over to their houses and break in because you have your own key and pretend you live THERE and not in your own house and then everything is better.
    😉 Feel better!!

  5. Sarah Kimmel {Tech4Mommies}
    May 19th, 2010 @ 2:54 pm

    You know what really helps me? Exercise. Even just a little bit. Also being on my schedule make me immensely happy. Set small goals for yourself, and when you accomplish one, reward yourself. (Even if the goal is to make yourself lunch that day). Having a sense of accomplishment really helps me to move forward.

  6. Sara
    May 19th, 2010 @ 3:17 pm

    Oh, girl. If you find it, let me know. Good luck, and hugs!

  7. Not There Yet
    May 19th, 2010 @ 3:19 pm

    I think that we all struggle with this to some degree or another. I know that I stay more focused and positive when I am exercising regularly. Put that baby in a stroller and go around the block a few times. It is a free attitude adjustment!

  8. Diana
    May 19th, 2010 @ 3:48 pm

    Like reading a chapter in my life. I understand. And I have no idea how to fix it. I've often wondered if my lice is so introverted that I focus on myself constantly. Everything is about me. And it shouldn't be.
    As always, your post makes me rethink my life. In a good way.

  9. Alena
    May 19th, 2010 @ 3:55 pm

    I always want more. Sophia nakes a nap with out fussing I wonder why she doesn't sleep LONGER. When she goes to be fine at her bedtime I am bitter in the middle of the night when she wakes up to eat. When she doesn't wake up to eat I am cursing the fact that she wakes up for the day at 5 am.

    I can never win.

  10. Steph
    May 19th, 2010 @ 4:39 pm

    I think it's a mom thing. Honestly. I have the same thing all of the time. But for me it's a big battle between staying home with my kids and working. If I work I am miserable because I miss my kids and I've done something I just don't feel right about doing. But if I am at home with the kids I am longing for adult companionship on a daily basis. Then of course there are the sacrifices we make so I can stay home in this economy. Fewer haircuts, no new clothes (because let's face it those yoga pants work every day), no new fun shoes because I really have no place to wear them to, etc… For hubby it's the difference between that fancy truck he would love to have and keeping it to one family vehicle and his work truck. I really think we all have our own internal battles every day and it starts the day you give birth. You lose your ability to be a selfish and that can really suck.

  11. KLZ
    May 19th, 2010 @ 6:57 pm

    I disagree with the above (sorry!) I think it's a perfectionist thing. Being a mom just compounds it because you never, ever get to turn it off again.

    I'm trying to find all the stuff I can outsource for a reasonable price so I stop thinking about so much STUFF.

    But maybe there's no perfect answer? Maybe us looking for one is just more rampant perfectionism?

  12. Kersten
    May 19th, 2010 @ 7:56 pm

    Change your perspective! You could still be working in a restaurant. Granted you aren't due to wise choices and hard work.

    It's taken major life events for my perspective to change on wanting more (I still do, so no cure.) My dad had a stroke 4 weeks before I got married. In a matter of seconds it didn't matter that I was fighting with the caterer about the menu and upset that the typeset on the invitations wasn't exactly what I wanted. That day it was enough to have him walk me down the isle and rest really didn't matter.

    I'm no angel though. I resent getting up for midnight feedings of my 6 month old, too. It's frustrating husband can't help more and I'd rather be sleeping. Then I remind myself that I waited 9 years for that exact moment. Okay, maybe not that exact one — more like the loving gaze of a newborn that was mine.

    Count your blessings and enjoy the small stuff.

  13. Melodramommy
    May 20th, 2010 @ 2:15 am

    So funny and weird I was just talking about Stuart Smalley last night to my husband.

    I love this post–as I always enjoy reading your posts. What your saying is so true for so many of us. I know I have to struggle not to feel that way. It's sometimes a conscious effort. I think it's the society that we live in that defines success as needing more and needing to be better and it influences us to feel that way. But, Joyce Meyer wrote a book that has a very interesting title, "Enjoying where you are on the way to where your going." Isn't this the challenge for us all.

    Well, so glad the little one gave you some rest, though at this stage, the stage of sleep deprivation, it's never enough. So, enjoy that big cup of coffee and let's count our blessing together. And if you do find that bird, let's set him free, cause I used to have a bird who could talk and it was just plain obnoxious.

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