Right to the Heart of Matters

Posted on | September 4, 2010 | 6 Comments

I’ve been sitting here feeling sorry for myself for the better part of a month. And yesterday, I finally realized what the problem is.

It isn’t my marriage.

It isn’t my apartment.

It’s me.

I’m the problem. I’m bitter and angry and… miserable. I am horribly horribly unhappy.  And it makes me feel like a crappy mother to write that down. The thing is, though, I am most definitely NOT unhappy with my child. I love him more than I could have ever imagined. I’m just… unhappy. And Husband? Husband is delirious with happiness. He practically radiates sunshine from his butt crack these days.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy he’s happy… I am just seriously unhappy that it took all of these things that make me unhappy to make him happy. I can’t really talk about my job because, well, I’d very much like to keep it. But suffice to say, I miss the camaraderie of my old job. I miss having people to talk to, people to have lunch with, people to just… see.

I miss my pretty little house with the hardwood floors and french doors. I miss my patio with the plum tree growing in it. I miss my driveway and being able to park in front of my door when I have groceries to carry in. I miss my neighbors and the sweet little orange tabby cat that roamed the neighborhood.

I miss J’s old daycare, with the warm family feeling and the way everyone knew J by name and me by face. I miss his teachers and his classmates and the fact that I could walk over on my lunch break to play with him and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

I miss my life.

I miss it so bad that remembering it makes me want to curl up in a ball and beg for a time warp to carry me away. I love Savannah. I like my job. But I miss. My. Life.

This life we’re living doesn’t feel like mine yet. It feels wrong. It doesn’t suit me. I’m not this person. And as a result, I’m becoming someone else. I’m gaining weight. I’m being hateful to my husband. I’m not calling my mother. I hate this me.

And I can’t get over blaming all of this on the move. Blaming all of this on the fact that Husband was miserable in Macon and we only looked elsewhere because he was so unhappy… even though that’s not really the case. I just want to cry. I need a two week fully certified nervous breakdown complete with straight jackets, men in white coats, and soft foods eaten with dull spoons.

I know that I’ll get used to this job and this life; rationally I know that. But irrationally I want things to just be perfectly perfect NOW… patience is not my virtue. So I’m trying to”snap out of” this funk. I’m trying to take things one day at a time and just enjoy what I have and not miss what I’ve lost. So today? Husband and I went shopping and now we’re taking J on a dolphin cruise. Stay tuned for what I’m sure will be ridiculously hilarious and adorable photos…

Comments

6 Responses to “Right to the Heart of Matters”

  1. Poppy
    September 4th, 2010 @ 6:50 pm

    A two week respite with men in loin cloths feeding you grapes would be much better. Looking forward to the dolphin cruise pictures.

  2. KatieJones
    September 4th, 2010 @ 8:16 pm

    Oh Sweet Law Momma. I am feeling for you today. When you announced your move to savannah I was all "zomg, its not FAIRRRRRR! i've always wanted to go there and now she gets to moooooove there!" (jealz) But i never thought about how much things would change for you. Hang in there, you can be sure that at least one day, it will feel like home 🙂

  3. MrsPatterson
    September 4th, 2010 @ 11:52 pm

    Wow, can I ever relate to this post. Not so much logistics with the moving and changing jobs, but the general tone. The loving individual facets of your life but being deeply unhappy with your life as a whole. I hate my job. Sometimes I can almost feel it sucking the soul right out of me. I am hormonal and pregnant and I hate that I am not 100% happy about having a new baby so close to DS. I just wanted to thank you for vocalizing this feeling. It's really good to know I'm not alone in having such confusing, conflicting emotions.

  4. Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year
    September 5th, 2010 @ 12:22 am

    Just want to say 'hang in there'. Sometimes getting it out on paper and talking about what's going on in your head and your heart is the first step to snapping out of a funk.
    You WILL settle into your new job, new location, etc soon. Just don't beat yourself up in the meantime. It's a lot to adjust to.
    HUGS!

  5. PartyMom
    September 5th, 2010 @ 1:15 am

    I want to tell you that you will love your life someday. I want to tell you that you won't always be frustrated and jealous about your husband's happiness. But you already know that.

    The best I can say is that someday your new life will feel pretty freaking awesome too. You're too awesome for the rest of your life not to catch up.

  6. Anonymous
    September 7th, 2010 @ 2:57 pm

    This comment will probably sound weird; the words come from a place of concern, so please read it in that spirit:

    While I am SO, SO sorry that you are going through this, I am also in some ways glad to see you come to this realization. Don't get me wrong…I do not want anyone to be unhappy with their life. But I've read your blog for quite awhile (although I rarely post), and something really hasn't seemed right since you started talking about the move. It just came across as so sudden & so chaotic.

    Sometimes recognizing the root of the problem (as in, "I'm unhappy") is what you need to really start making the changes that you need. And it sounds like you need to find yourself again…that you got lost somewhere. And I really, really hope that you are able to do that, and to have the help and support that you need to do that. Whether that means making sure you talk to your mom more, reaching out to your old support group in Macon, or reaching out to professionals (been there, done that, so that is said with absolutely no judgment).

    Also, I just read your Camp Comfort Zone post…love that charity! We are actually very good friends with the charity founder's brother…it's a great cause!

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