Posted on | May 27, 2011 | 17 Comments

My son was just placed in his father’s car seat. In his father’s car.  Without me.

He asked for me, just as his little blond head was tucked into the seat.  He turned around and stared at me, his mouth moving even after the door was closed and I couldn’t hear him anymore.

“Too?” he said.

“Too?” he asked.

It’s what he says when he wants me to join him.  He says it when he lays down on the floor and pats the hardwood floor beside him.  He says it when he climbs into a chair and pats the upholstery beside him.

And now he says it when his father puts him into his car to take him away.


Only I’m not coming with you this time, darling.  I can’t come with you this time.

For the first time, my son will be going somewhere without me.  In a different city.  Making memories with people who used to be my family.  He will be fine.  He will be well cared for and happy.  He loves his father and it was evident in the way he hurled himself into his arms when he appeared in the doorway.

He happily waved, hugged, kissed, and “love you-d” me from his father’s arms.  But when he was walked out the door to the car, when he was waving to me from the driveway…


I wish it were that easy, my sweet, sweet son.

I will miss you this weekend. Come home to me soon.



17 Responses to “Visitation”

  1. Stephanie
    May 27th, 2011 @ 6:21 pm

    Heart breaking for you…this must be the hardest part.

  2. aim
    May 27th, 2011 @ 6:22 pm

    oh doo-dah. It will be wonderful to have the break, and in time i am sure you will appreciate that. I know that ripped your heart out, b/c just reading it made mine ache…..but time. Time is a good thing.
    love you.

  3. Kinnison
    May 27th, 2011 @ 6:59 pm

    It’ll bring you to tears, but it may be something that you can connect with…”Godspeed” by the Dixie Chicks…

    Stay strong…be brave…but above all, be real…

  4. Carm Owens
    May 27th, 2011 @ 7:18 pm


  5. Roxanne
    May 27th, 2011 @ 7:24 pm

    Oh gosh, I feel for you. I know it’s hard, but really try to take this time for yourself. And before you know it, he’ll be back in your arms again.

  6. Chunky Mama
    May 27th, 2011 @ 7:54 pm

    I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. The first time my oldest spent the night away from me, I just wanted to jump in the car and go get him. The good news is that you’ll be SO happy to see him when he comes home. 🙂

    Sending you lots of hugs and wishes for the weekend to go by as quickly (or slowly) as you’d like. Try to enjoy the quiet moments.

  7. Jessica @ Raising an Owlet
    May 27th, 2011 @ 9:24 pm

    ugh. my heart aches for you. But like others have said, it will get easier and you will be sooo happy to see him when he returns.

  8. Headmistress Yca
    May 27th, 2011 @ 10:16 pm

    This is going to be the hardest part, LM. The stupidity, the absurdity, the big bed, going to the park and watching disgustingly cute couples hold hands …. that’s nothing. The hardest part is letting your little one go – especially when they’re just too young to understand. But I promise you, my friend, you will find a way to survive it. It is going to take a while, but you will find a way. And in the meantime … we are here – listening to you (or reading – whatevs), supporting you, encouraging you … loving you.

  9. Erica Snipes
    May 27th, 2011 @ 11:46 pm

    Crying a little for you right now, and hoping that you are doing okay even as I type this. This is the hardest part, without a doubt. I lived this from the other end, though…my husband has custody of his daughter, and she has lived with us since she was four. I remember days dropping her off with her mom where she would scream for her daddy so loud that I could hear it from the car parked in the driveway. Those hard days have passed, my stepdaughter is now 11 and, between steps and biologicals, she has four parents who love her, and who mostly get along with each other. I don’t know if this will be your road, ultimately, at least in terms of the step parents that join your journey of parenthood, but most likely visitation will always be part of things. First time’s the hardest, but it does get easier. Take some deep breaths, have a glass of wine, say a prayer, or whatever, read the comments to your post, and accept and enjoy the support that you are getting from all of us. Big hugs…your little boy will be back in your arms soon.

  10. facie
    May 28th, 2011 @ 10:25 am

    Hang in there! I am thinking of you.

  11. Andrea
    May 28th, 2011 @ 12:42 pm

    This is the part I am dreading. We’re not at this point yet. As angry as I am that he doesn’t ask to see our 3 more, I will hate the day he takes them overnight for the first time.

  12. KristinaYellow
    May 28th, 2011 @ 4:58 pm

    This breaks my heart. I wish I had some magic words to help you feel better-take these few days and do something just for you. Have some wine, go for a long walk, be crazy. Then welcome your little man back with open arms!

  13. Single Mom Survives
    May 28th, 2011 @ 6:49 pm

    Hello beautiful. Where to start and how to keep it short. Oh my. Reading your posts while you’re going through this is hard. It’s hard because it takes me back to those same exact moments when I was going through my divorce with an infant as well. I used to hate every well meaning person who told me it would get easier, or better. Though I knew it would, and it has, it felt like an unintentional attempt to minimize the pain and the suckyness that was the here and now. I don’t want to do that. I’ve been there. I’ve been the woman banging on my soon to be ex’s passenger side window screaming “you’re a whore!” when my ex picked up our then 1 year old with his mistress in the car. On Mother’s Day weekend. I’ve been to every ugly place you can go. Feel everything, don’t supress it. Feel it and then use it to do something fabulous with your lives. Use that emotion to grab your life, take charge and kick ass. Write, write, write. And if you need to punch something I’ll give you the first shot for free. Just not the face, foundation is super expensive and I can’t afford to cover up a black eye for two weeks. I’m here if you need to scream at someone.


  14. Alex@LateEnough
    May 30th, 2011 @ 1:59 pm

    I don’t know what else to say but my heart hurts for you. Thoughts & prayers coming your way.

  15. Pam
    May 30th, 2011 @ 8:51 pm

    The first few times were excruciating. Each time gets just a hair less so. I don’t think the evidence of breakage, the longing, the aching will ever totally go away. I hope it lessens enough to be more manageable.

    Hang in there.

  16. Steph
    May 30th, 2011 @ 10:13 pm

    ((((HUGS)))) I have nothing else to add because there just aren’t words. Much love to you!!

  17. Alecia
    May 31st, 2011 @ 8:31 am

    I can feel the heartache…”too?” I’m so sorry that you and your son are going through this painful transition. It must be excruciating. Know that you have the world of support from your blog readers, including me!


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