Posted on | July 24, 2011 | 12 Comments

I have mixed feelings about the next few weeks.

On the one hand, I know it’s time to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I know it will be good to let go of the hope that he will change, that he will somehow become the man I know he could be. I know it will be good to stop wondering how it all could be different. It will be good for me to put aside the “what if” of my marriage and try to move forward with the life that is ahead of me. It will be good to stop wondering.

But on the other hand? On the other hand, I have three weeks remaining in my marriage.

Approximately two weeks ago, my attorney called and said the divorce would be final in August. The court had given them an August 5th date but my attorney had trial and couldn’t be there then. He asked if there were any days in August that I couldn’t do.

Um, let me think.

August 22 is J’s birthday.

What a mixed bag of memories I will forever hold in the month of August… The best day in my life coupled with one of the hardest. It’s hard to think about where I was on August 12 of 2009… glowing with pregnancy, still wearing the wedding ring we had picked out together … in August of 2006. It’s hard to think about where I was on August 12 of 2007, finished with the bar exam and falling head first into the finishing touches of planning our wedding.

August will forever be a heartache and a blessing of a month.

My mother has agreed to come to Macon to hold my heart in her hands from August 11 through J’s birthday. She will be there to dry my tears and make sure I eat or sleep or whatever else I might forget to do in that madness of a week.

On August 12, I will be divorced.

On August 20, I will host my son’s second birthday, with his father in attendance.

When I think about driving to Savannah a married woman and driving back to Macon single, I feel a new set of “what ifs” take over; I find a new set of “wondering” setting up shop in my heart. When I think about the hair appointment I’ve made for noon on August 12, I wonder if I’ll feel different, sitting in that chair… I wonder if I will cry as she trims my split ends, clipping away at the me I was when I was a Mrs. I wonder if I will look different or sound different or if somehow everyone who passes by will know that I am now divorced. That I am now single.

I wonder how it will feel to do stupid things, like change my facebook status, or mark my first “divorced” on a form.

I wonder how I will survive the month of August. I wonder who I will become. I wonder who, if anyone, I will ever love again.

In three weeks, I will be a single mother. In three weeks I will watch as a judge orders me to drop the “r” and become a Ms. In three weeks, my son will forever be from a “broken home.”

And though I wonder how all of this will affect me, I find that the tears fall most freely when I wonder how all of this will affect J. Will he be bitter that his father isn’t home all the time? Will he blame me for leaving? Will there be a time in the future when he tells me he hates me for not making things work with his father? Will he wonder what life would have been like for him if he didn’t have to spend time in two homes? With two very different parents? With two Christmases? Will he wonder why I didn’t try harder; why we didn’t try harder? For him?

When the wondering becomes too much, I have to close my eyes and pause. I have to remember that my son is happy. I have to remember that my son will never remember what it was like to have both parents in one home. He will never remember the fighting or the tears or the blame. I have to remember that he will know how much I love him and I hope, how much his father loves him. I have to remember that this IS the right decision not just for me and for his father but most importantly for him. This is the right decision for J… no matter how hard it will be to answer his questions and hear his complaints. No matter how difficult it may be to have my son look at me when he is older and tell me he wishes he lived with his father or wishes I weren’t so controlling, or difficult, or whatever his complaint will be… this decision, this August, this horrible, horrible year… this is for J. This is us, his father and I, doing what is best for our sweet, smart, wonderful little boy.

And though I know I will still hold onto a lot of wondering as the days go by, I hope that I can remember through all of this, that I am doing it all for him.


12 Responses to “Wondering…”

  1. Maria
    July 24th, 2011 @ 9:43 am

    Reading this brought me to tears. I’m currently going through a separation. My husband moved out yesterday. We have a 7 year old son and a 11 month old girl. I find myself asking the same questions. The past eleven months have been hell for me. I recently found out he has been cheating on me since December of last year. It’s heartbreaking. J and my daughter share the same birth date. She’ll be a year old August 22nd. I want you to know that I enjoy reading your blog. I want to wish you and J all the best.

  2. Mom on a Line
    July 24th, 2011 @ 11:58 am

    I will keep you and J in my thoughts during this next couple of weeks. {{{Hugs}}}

  3. Chunky Mama
    July 24th, 2011 @ 12:07 pm

    I can answer some of those questions for you, at least from my own experience. My parents divorced before my first birthday. And because I had no memories of them being together, it never occurred to me to blame anyone for the marriage ending. I never once asked why they didn’t try to work it out. I never for a second hated or was even angry with either parent for not being together. My parents lived apart. It was all I ever knew, and that was my “normal.”

    When I hit my teen years and began to see my parents more clearly, I started wondering why they ever thought they could be happy together. Chances are, J will someday wonder the same thing about you two.

    I know this next month will be rough for you. Lots of virtual hugs coming your way.

  4. Emily
    July 24th, 2011 @ 12:35 pm

    These coming weeks/months will certainly be hard. You have every right to feel the way you do. As a follower of your blog, I hope you know how impressed we all are with your strength and the wisdom with which you’ve handled this whole situation. You are a strong woman, and while this will certainly be very painful, you will come out of this alive and stronger than before. We are here for you whenever you want to vent or just let the tears flow 🙂

    You wouldn’t want to relive any of this, right? So don’t look back nostalgically at the past. Keep your eyes focused on the future and take things one day at a time. Every morning you wake up you are one day closer to getting through this and becoming the person you’re meant to be.

    plus, you are one bad ass mother!

  5. Emily
    July 24th, 2011 @ 12:42 pm

    I just realized how harsh the second paragraph sounded. It’s a-ok to look back at the good moments in your marriage! Treasure the memories. Just don’t stop moving forward 🙂 that’s all I meant

  6. Tracy
    July 24th, 2011 @ 6:38 pm

    I don’t know if I ever told you, but my parents got a divorce when I was only 8 months old, and my brother 6 years old. Of course I’ve always wondered all those things you think J might wonder, but through it all I knew it was for the best. My parent’s circumstances were different than your situation and feel free to email me if you want to know more, but know J will be just fine. I admire my mom for all she’s done, especially her struggles as a single mom, and I surely know J will see you that way too. You are one amazing momma!

  7. beachmum
    July 24th, 2011 @ 9:13 pm

    I wish I had words of comfort for you, something to say that this won’t suck. I think you know that my August will suck too (although yours beats mine hands down….sorry)

    I posted something this am about time travelling. (if you feel like reading…)

    If I had a million dollars I’d buy you a time machine so you could travel back in time to change things or to zoom ahead to the future to know that everything is going to be ok.


  8. R's Mom
    July 25th, 2011 @ 9:37 am


  9. Mary
    July 25th, 2011 @ 10:29 am

    Get some age appropriate books for your son, I got three or four when I left my husband. I would read them at night just like any other books. I think it helped my kids understand, two house, why it happens etc. Keep strong.

  10. Jen
    July 25th, 2011 @ 1:40 pm

    In this day and age, I’ve seen many “broken homes” where there was still a Mr & Mrs.

    My parents divorced when I was 2 and Re-married when I was 9… and it was the biggest MISTAKE they ever made. Their choice to get back together has affected me more than I think their divorce ever would have. They thought they were doing it for all the right reasons, but they failed to put their own happiness first, and in the end, no one was happy.

  11. Roxanne
    July 25th, 2011 @ 1:41 pm

    You know, you’re right. He won’t remember this period of time.

    In fact, if you need a smile: My son thinks it is the silliest most ridiculous thing that his father & I used to be married. He laughs at it. It gives me hope that he is not going to remember the fighting that happened before the divorce.

  12. Krista
    July 25th, 2011 @ 3:56 pm

    I’ve been reading all these posts and just wishing I could give you a giant hug. For what it’s worth, I think you are handling this – this terrible, awful, no good, horrible thing that you didn’t want – with incredible grace. That’s probably very little comfort to you right now, but it is such a selfless gift you’re giving your son.

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