Something Wicked This Way Comes

Posted on | August 17, 2011 | 26 Comments

Over the past few weeks, something terrible has happened.

It started so slowly that I didn’t really notice; just a small change here or there, nothing to alert the press to…  No reason to call for service, no reason to get maintenance on the line.  It was just a blip here and there.  I started to notice it a little more towards the end of last week, wondering how long it had been going on without my attention, but this week it is all crystal clear.

The terrible twos.

Oh my GOD the terrible twos.

Last night, my mother and brother were kind enough to get dinner for all of us and have it ready when I got J home from daycare.  J LOVES pizza almost as much as I do, so they got a pizza for him and my mother to share and then I got stuffed shells because, well… because I’m stupid. 

We sat down to eat and J had been happily screaming “PIZZA!” since I told him what we were having for dinner.

Until he saw my dinner.

And then, it happened.  My sweet, wonderful little boy morphed into some kind of terrifying version of a prima donna/gremlin/damien child.

He didn’t want his pizza.  He wanted what I had.  To the point of screaming at the top of his lungs, collapsing in his high chair and begging as though he hadn’t eaten in three weeks.  I do not have a small child.  No one on this earth will EVER think this child is starving… if they look at him.  But if they’re just listening? Well, let’s just say he could have won an academy award for last night’s performance.

Ultimately, he ended up eating 3/4 of my stuffed shells and I had a piece of pizza.  He then ate my garlic bread and dipped it into the remnants of my stuffed shells.  He then begged for my salad, bite after bite, despite spitting out every bite I gave him.  And then, when he’d eaten every bite of MY dinner and had it smeared all over his face, he began to laugh happily and sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  Probably in an effort to lull me into a false sense of calm before he went for my jugular.  Or maybe just to make me remember how cute he is before we run through a similar scenario over bath time.

It was pretty comical, to be honest, because he was so over the top pitiful about it, and it wasn’t a big deal to humor him on his dinner choice.  But these little “episodes” are starting to happen more and more frequently over things like “more Mickey Mouse” or “no,  no, NO! bathtime.”  Luckily, my mother has been in town and has been able to help with the midnight rousings where he insists he needs more milk or more juice or hell, a purple pony with fold out wings. 

The child has gone crazy, folks.  Everything is either “NO!” or “AHHHHHHHHH!” There are still the moments of snuggles and hugs, of course, but usually they occur now after he’s robbed the neighborhood liquor store and gone on a three day bender.  That’s about the time he wants a hug… right when his hug might just feel a bit too much like a strangle. (You know, like Copernicus…)

I’m picking battles like I’m some kind of sleep-deprived general.

“Yes, you can wear your village people hat to school today.”

“No, you can not sit on the dog and try to ride him around the house.”

“Sure, you can have mommy’s dinner.”

“For the fiftieth time, NO, you can neither drive Mommy’s car nor can you sit on my lap while I am driving.”

“Yes, you can sleep in Mommy’s bed just for one night.”

“No, Mommy can not sleep in J’s crib.”

Everytime my answer is “no” in any form, I get a Judy Garland on speed type of meltdown.  If his hair were any longer he’d probably pull it out and throw it at me.  

I can only hope that this is two-year molars because if this is how it’s going to be for the next several years, I may have to invest in a muzzle and/or ear plugs. 

And tranquilizers that are safe for 35 pound devil children.


26 Responses to “Something Wicked This Way Comes”

  1. Jeanne
    August 17th, 2011 @ 8:44 am

    The hardest thing I ever did was learn to ignore the tantrums at “no.” Not ignore them in place where other people have to listen, but without comment, anger, or eye contact remove her to another room (or car or field or…any place safe) where she’s free to carry on until she’s ready to be civil. It seemed like the wrong response, but without an audience it became less fun, and I discovered to my amazement that it was under her control. I figured that out the day she was about to fling herself on the floor and have a fit when she realized the floor was tile. She walked into the carpeted livingroom before the flinging started. Worst mistake she ever made from a “victory is mine” perspective! Hang in there. They grow out of it as long as they don’t see bad behavior as a way to get what they want.

  2. Melanie
    August 17th, 2011 @ 9:18 am

    I am right there with you!!! My son will be two on Sept. 8 — and this started a couple months ago! People keep telling me it’ll get better, hang in there!

  3. Doeshell
    August 17th, 2011 @ 9:19 am

    Omg, I was laughing so hard… and the all of a sudden dreading the upcoming year… good luck! I hope I can garner some advice when my time comes!

  4. Rusti
    August 17th, 2011 @ 9:41 am we’re so there. I feel your pain, and I too, am ready to tear my hair out… OFTEN. when did our little angels sprout horns and a tail?? because I TOTALLY missed that… and now it seems that it’s too late to reverse the effects… *sigh* I’m so tired… especially on nights when it’s just her & I at home… I’m sending all my reserve strength your way on Hubs’ nights off, because I’m able to get a little help those nights. *HUGS*

  5. Heather
    August 17th, 2011 @ 9:48 am

    I’m there — and my daughter is only 20 months! At her 18 month check-up, the pediatrician said she was throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old (stomping her feet and whining when the doctor asked to see her walk)

    She LOVES to throw herself on the floor and kick and scream like Jeanne’s daughter. And she gets hysterical over the stupidest things… I know it must be frustrating to be a toddler, but sheesh!

  6. Heather
    August 17th, 2011 @ 10:24 am

    It doesn’t stop. The arguement and tactics just change. 🙂 Good luck!

  7. Alecia
    August 17th, 2011 @ 10:32 am

    For us, the terrible twos didn’t happen…but the terrible threes sure did. He was able to combine tantrums with words…not fun. Agree, the hardest thing is to say “no” and mean it. So hard to watch them fling themselves around and get so worked up. Someone suggested to us the 123 Magic program..have to say, it does work.

    Good luck!

  8. Andrea @paralegalmom
    August 17th, 2011 @ 10:37 am

    Right there with you!!

  9. Ruthie
    August 17th, 2011 @ 10:39 am

    We use the parenting with love & logic concepts with our 21 month old. It’s not a perfect solution, but it helps. Basically you give two choices for everything (both you would be happy with) and let your child decide. If he doesn’t choose, you choose for him. It also has a couple of good coping mechanisms for tantrums.

    Some tantrums are unaviodable (usually those spurred by tired, out of element, or hungry), but the daily struggles (getting dressed, bedtime, and bath time) have all gotten better.

  10. Anonymous
    August 17th, 2011 @ 6:00 pm

    I think tantrum is J’s new normal. I’m not sure any are unavoidable… I’m aiming to just avoid him. (kidding)

  11. Jennifer
    August 17th, 2011 @ 11:57 am

    The best advice I can give is to be firm, because this? Is nothing compared to three.

  12. Anonymous
    August 17th, 2011 @ 6:00 pm

    See above. You’re KILLING me, Smalls! 😉

  13. Tiffany @MomNom
    August 17th, 2011 @ 1:05 pm

    Halfway through this post I started looking around wondering if you were spying on me in my home.

  14. Anonymous
    August 17th, 2011 @ 6:00 pm

    I think we’ve been through this… I’m ALWAYS spying on you, Tiffany. 🙂

  15. Law Momma
    August 17th, 2011 @ 1:10 pm

    Tiffany, you know I always spy on you…

  16. Sarah Nance
    August 17th, 2011 @ 5:53 pm

    Ooooohhh, I hear ya.

    My “terrible two” is turning three next month, and guess what? I’ve heard that the threes are much worse than the twos. I’m not looking forward to it because those bouts of terrible during the twos have been pretty hard to take.

    Things seem to have calmed down somewhat in the past couple of weeks. I can only guess it’s the calm before the storm.


    Hugs to you from a momma who can totally relate!

  17. Anonymous
    August 17th, 2011 @ 5:58 pm

    Why are you people trying to drive me off a cliff?? 🙂 You’re supposed to say the twos are not so bad and the threes are magical. Didn’t you get the handbook???!!!

  18. beachmum
    August 18th, 2011 @ 12:26 am

    When I took L to his 15 month appt the pediatrician said.. I don’t believe in the terrible 2s, I think it starts earlier. I am dealing with very similar issues- although not quite as verbal. And while I’d like to think that L is just “advanced” for his age- oh my…what the hell will this kid be into when he IS 2? Good luck, and know there are moms out there who are in your boat.

  19. Sara
    August 18th, 2011 @ 1:19 am

    oh my good gravy. y’all are scaring me!

  20. Anonymous
    August 18th, 2011 @ 1:52 am

    I think some kids are exempt… ::snicker, snicker::

  21. Amberleescrazylife
    August 18th, 2011 @ 12:49 pm

    The Two’s were rough for my house, Three’s was much, much worse. He is almost four now and has calmed down dramatically.
    I’ll pray for you!

  22. Roxanne Piskel
    August 18th, 2011 @ 4:38 pm

    Sounds terrible! We skipped the terrible two’s, but now we’re into the f—ing fours. Sigh. Sometimes I wish we’d gotten this over with earlier. But then again…we’ll all just keep hoping this isn’t a glimpse into how they’ll be in later years, huh?

  23. Strugglingforeverafter
    August 19th, 2011 @ 2:41 am

    I have 5 words for you: Happiest Toddler on the block. Saved my life with my daughter and niece. I just started using the “cave man” talk with my 1 year old – who has started to throw a fit at top volumn if you deny him the phone (just no words yet.)

  24. Jenny, Bloggess
    August 19th, 2011 @ 5:31 am

    It’s much better to get the terrible twos over with than wait until the terrible threes start and they’re big enough to stab you. Trust me on this one.

  25. Anonymous
    August 19th, 2011 @ 2:54 pm

    Dear Lord. My child is a 3 foot tall two year old. Thanks for the new fear of stabbing… the knives may need to be moved from his bedside table…

  26. Anonymous
    August 19th, 2011 @ 2:54 pm

    Dear Lord. My child is a 3 foot tall two year old. Thanks for the new fear of stabbing… the knives may need to be moved from his bedside table…

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