The Single Post-Divorce

Posted on | November 25, 2011 | 4 Comments

When I was single before, I was a whole me with the hope for an other.

I wasn’t part of a person, or part of a heart.  I was a complete and total person, with scars, yes, but still whole.  I was still whole, even when it hurt.

But the single after divorce is so very different.

Because when your heart becomes accustomed to being held, when your hands learn to rely on the weight of a ring or the touch of another… those things can not just be replaced.  Those feelings do not just disappear.  When your heart is given to another person, even if they try to give it back to you, it is not yours… a heart can not be given back, it can only be taken… it can only be reclaimed.

I have not reclaimed my heart. I do not know how to reclaim my heart.

And so I sit in my self-imposed prison and I wonder when he will decide to come home.  I wonder when he will remember that he holds my heart in the back pocket of his torn and tattered jeans.  I wonder when I will find the strength to take back what is rightfully mine; to take back what I never should have given. I wonder when this will all be over; when this will all be finished.

I miss my husband.

I’m embarrassed to say that. I’m embarrassed by the fact that I still dream his face and miss his smile.  I’m embarrassed that I can not forget what he so quickly threw away.

I want to wake up in the morning and not first remember that he isn’t here.  I want to wake up and just be me… not me without him.  I want to wake up and not wonder what he’s doing or saying or where he is.  I want to wake up and remember that he is not my husband, that he is not my love… that he severed the ties that bound us together.

I am so very tired of still thinking he’s my husband.


4 Responses to “The Single Post-Divorce”

  1. Audra
    November 25th, 2011 @ 9:01 pm

    Yeah. Me too.

  2. Anonymous
    November 25th, 2011 @ 9:50 pm

    Hugs to you, lady. So many hugs.

  3. Carrie
    November 26th, 2011 @ 7:44 am

    I wish there was something I could say or do to make this all go away for you. Just know I am here. Hugs my friend.

  4. Elizabeth
    November 27th, 2011 @ 8:37 am

    Let me know if you figure out how to do it. I’d like the know-how as well 🙂

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