Finding Christmas

Posted on | December 15, 2011 | 9 Comments

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… the holidays are hard as a single momma.

I realized, while out shopping, that if I wanted to maintain the magic 0f Santa Claus through the years, I will have to stuff my own stocking on Christmas morning.  I realized that I will need to make sure that Santa takes care of Mommy, too, because no one else is going to do that for me.  So with a very small portion of my Christmas bonus, I snuck into Kay Jewelers on my lunch break.  I hadn’t been in that particular store since two years ago when I swiped all my husband’s broken watches and took them in to be repaired.  I thought long and hard about what I wanted and scanned the rows of engagement rings and “Love” pendants until I found it: just a simple silver chain with a simple silver pendant.  Mother and child.  Intertwined.

And I bought it.  And had them wrap it up tight to tuck into the tip top of my stocking.  From Santa to Mommy.  And as I held it in the palm of my hand, I smiled.  It was just a small token but it was so much more.  It was me, taking care of myself.  Something I haven’t done in a long time.

It’s hard to remember last year’s Christmas with Santa’s gifts piled out in the living room and J running excitedly from Elmo to his play kitchen and back again. It’s hard to remember sharing gifts with my husband, laughing about the perfume I wanted and the ridiculous amount of presents under the tree for him.  It’s hard to remember.

And I’m afraid if we do things the same way, the memories will become too much to bear, the alone will become stifling… the sadness, overwhelming.  So we’re making new memories with hot chocolate in sippy cups and The Polar Express.  We’re hanging lights on a house we didn’t have last year and driving through a city we weren’t in to look at the Christmas lights.  We’re eating Chick Fil A for dinner simply because of their light display.  And we’re buying gifts for others… for people that don’t have anyone else to buy them presents.  We’re wrapping them up in pretty bags and boxes and we’re delivering them to street corners and soup kitchens. 

We’re finding Christmas our own way… one day at a time, one smile at a time. And with each smile from a stranger, I can feel the scabs breaking away, I can feel my heart beating again, strong and loud and clear, a symphony of Christmas bells and carols.  With each smile, I can feel Christmas…

The way it’s supposed to be.


9 Responses to “Finding Christmas”

  1. gassmama
    December 15th, 2011 @ 9:04 am

    I love that you did this for yourself, and for J – new memories and new traditions.

  2. Crystal
    December 15th, 2011 @ 9:29 am

    You are so amazing! I dont even know you but you have inspired me! You should write a book on the struggles and the success of your life and inspire others that are in your situation. There is still life out there! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!

  3. molly
    December 15th, 2011 @ 10:48 am

    Yes, I was just about to say, make your own new memories! And it sounds like you’re already doing just that! Hot chocolate in a sippy cup. Too funny!

  4. Diana
    December 15th, 2011 @ 11:06 am

    Here’s to new memories, a peaceful New Year, and knowing that you are an amazing woman, mother, and friend. And writer. 🙂 <3

  5. MaconMom
    December 15th, 2011 @ 11:32 am

    That is Christmas… completely

  6. beachmum
    December 15th, 2011 @ 4:14 pm

    Please stop writing such articulate, beautiful, heart warming posts while I am premenstrual. My mascara is running… again.
    (but happy Christmas!)

  7. Jana A (@jana0926)
    December 16th, 2011 @ 5:12 pm

    I’m proud of you for doing that for yourself. And for finding Christmas. Love you!

  8. Anonymous
    December 16th, 2011 @ 11:43 pm

    Does it hurt or does it help to know that there are a lot of married women who are still buying and wrapping all their own presents? I am one. It works out great – I get what I want along with a little feeling of virtue and accomplishment that comes form the delayed gratification 🙂 On the list of things I would change in my life… well this wouldn’t even make it on to the list!

    Do what works for you and your son, build your own memories and be sure to buy yourself more than one little stocking stuffer!

  9. Jo
    December 18th, 2011 @ 11:25 am

    I love that you did this and it has inspired me to do the same. I was going to tell my son that santa just brings gifts for kids, but after I read this I thought, why not do something nice for myself? So I am because no one else will and my son should see his mama being treated well. Thank you.

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